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murasaki-murasame · 4 years ago

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Thoughts on Higurashi Gou Ep22

All of this ‘the culprit’s motives are super shallow and they’re just unhealthily obsessive’ discourse is giving me war flashbacks to . . . . basically every other part of the entire When They Cry franchise, lol.

Thoughts under the cut. [Plus spoilers for Umineko]

I feel like at the end of the day we’re all just gonna have to agree to disagree about how we feel about how Ryukishi is handling Satoko as the culprit here, since I don’t really think any amount of social media posts detailing our interpretations of her character are gonna change anyone’s minds, lol. But I’m still gonna give my thoughts on her anyway because it’s fun, even if I’m basically just preaching to the choir.

To be honest, this feels pretty much in line with how Ryukishi already wrote characters like Takano and Beatrice, in terms of them having unhealthy obsessions that lead them to mass-murder. The amount of violence Satoko has caused is arguably worse than either of them, but they’re all pretty awful if you think about the reality of what they all did as villains.

Sorta like with how a lot of the old-school Umineko discourse went, I think people are too focused on the whole idea of Satoko hating studying, and ignoring everything else about her character and her circumstances. Although even then I feel like people are being kinda unfair toward Satoko about how strongly she feels about academics, but maybe I’m just biased because of my own history with schooling and the intense levels of anxiety and self-hatred that can go along with it.

Plus the fact that Satoko already has a long history of sever abandonment issues, and has basically always had HS that amplified her feelings of paranoia and persecution. It’s pretty obvious at this point that she never really got ‘cured’ in the first place, though it’s less important to think about HS as an in-universe fictional disease with it’s own rules, and more important to just think about it as a representation of real-life mental illnesses which aren’t bound by the rules of made-up brain-worm parasites and aliens or whatever.

Also, the Satoko that started all this looping in the first place was one who never dealt with Teppei returning to the village, and thus never went through her whole character arc related to that. The series is kinda ambiguous about how it handles the idea of people’s character development carrying over between loops, but it explains a lot about Satoko’s attitude here if you go with the idea that she never really had to overcome any of her trauma or coping mechanisms in the “good ending timeline”, and this is the consequence of that taken to it’s logical extreme. The idea of her view of the world being skewed by the fact that she only remembers the “good ending timeline” is also kinda lamp-shaded by the part where she hears about Rika’s looping and is like “oh yeah, that’s the month where we had that cool action movie stand-off with the Mountain Dogs :)”. By the time she really got to understand exactly what was going on beyond the specific timeline she had experienced, she was already way over the edge.

I get why people don’t like the idea of Gou ‘tainting’ the VN’s happy ending, but I honestly like the idea that it’s examining the consequences of how Matsuribayashi was such an overly-specific timeline where basically nothing bad happened and everyone just banded together to beat Takano. It kinda glossed over a lot of the personal problems that the main cast had in the rest of the series, and this really goes to show the effects of some of that stuff not getting properly addressed. It also reminds me that Minagoroshi is a timeline that even in the VN, Rika completely lost her memories of, so I can see how even post-Matsuribayashi she might have never let Satoko know about the details of that one timeline where she overcome her abuse.

I also feel like it only really got to this point because of Featherine’s meddling. In the original Matsuribayashi timeline, Satoko just started drifting away from Rika and ended up wandering into the Saiguden and meeting Featherine before anything actually serious happened in that timeline. I think that if she had just been left to her own devices and that timeline had just kept going, Satoko probably would have either found a way to reconnect with Rika, or they would have just slowly drifted apart for good. But then Satoko got given the power to time travel, and only started going off the deep end after going through another five years of identical suffering.

And on that whole note, it reminds me of how in Umineko, Lambda had a whole conversation about the idea of an abused person becoming an abuser themself if they’re given the power to lash out. Which is basically what’s happening here. Satoko is being given the tools to completely detach herself from reality and try as many times as she likes to get what she wants.

Which also reminds me that this episode in particular REALLY lays the Umineko parallels on thick, lol. Particularly the whole ‘Satoko is turning into Lambda’ thing, which feels just about 100% confirmed now. They straight up have Featherine bring up the exact same ‘monkeys using a typewriter’ analogy to explain Rika’s situation that Lambda uses in Umineko to explain Bern’s situation.

I know a lot of people don’t like the increasingly blatant Umineko tie-ins, and that a lot of people still think it might just be misdirection, but considering how much stuff in Gou has been surprisingly straightforward and predictable, I think it’s pretty much exactly what it seems to be.

Though to be more specific, this is probably more about the start of Lambda and Bern’s relationship, and their appearances in Umineko, rather than the very first origins of them as individuals, if that makes sense. Obviously the concept of Bernkastel as an identity has been around since Higurashi itself, and we’ve known for a long time that Lambda was the one who originally gave Takano her blessing of certainty, but we’ve never known the full details of how those two started their relationship, and Featherine’s whole series of name-drops in the last episode makes it seem like Lambda as a meta individual more or less already exists, with Satoko being an iteration of her. So I think they both technically already exist, but this is how the two of them come into contact and start their whole unhealthily obsessive relationship.

I guess it’s still possible that, even if she’s already existed for a long time as a meta individual, she hasn’t actually come up with the name ‘Lambdadelta’ for herself yet, and this might be where she does so. Even with the list of names Featherine referenced, she didn’t technically bring up Lambda’s name directly. So in that sense this might be ‘Lambda’s’ origin story, even if she already exists.

Considering how basically the entire story at this point seems to be acting in service of setting up the whole LambdaBern relationship dynamic no matter what, I’m becoming increasingly convinced that this will end with Satoko and Rika fully embracing their codependency and mutually ascending to the meta plane so they can stay together once and for all. There might still be human versions of them that stay behind in the real world and continue living normal lives, though.

At the very least, it feels like that’s the logical outcome of the whole Chekov’s Sword Fragment plot device that’s been hanging in the background for ages now. I think it’ll just be the in-universe explanation they use to show the mechanics of how exactly that process works. It’ll probably be used to ‘sever’ Satoko and Rika’s meta consciousnesses from their physical bodies and allow them to basically become witches.

Mainly I just can’t really see this having a ‘happy ending’ at this point, aside from the whole idea that maybe the severing process leaves behind ‘normal’ versions of the two of them who stay in Hinamizawa and go back to their normal lives. I dunno if that’d make people happy, but it’d at least be a way for Ryukishi to have his cake and eat it too, lol.

I just don’t think that there’s any real chance of this ending with them just talking to each other and agreeing to put an end to all this, though. For one thing that’d just feel kinda anticlimactic and honestly make Gou’s story feel even MORE pointless, if it just ends with literally the exact same ending as the VN with nothing really being changed. But I also feel like Featherine wouldn’t be willing to just let Satoko ‘give up’ without having one of them definitively win their current game. In general I just feel like Ryukishi should just commit to the story he’s setting up at this point, instead of just backing out at the last minute and circling everything back to the same ending we already had like nothing in Gou ever happened. If we’re gonna have this whole new story to begin with, it should at least have some lasting consequences.

Anyway, I think in the next episode we’re finally going to loop back to the Damashi arcs and see how they played out. At this point I don’t care too much about getting answers to the ground-level mysteries of those arcs, and I doubt the story will spend much time on that, but I’m curious to see how it progresses Satoko’s whole development through these loops, since I think she goes through some changes with her motives and methods over the course of them.

Specifically I think that the actual experience of being physically present in her own set of loops and causing so much pain and suffering started to get to her, and she might have almost given up in her own way during Tataridamashi and wanted to just stay in that arc, but things went south anyway. Maybe, if that’s what happened, Featherine basically let her know that she won’t let her give up, and will force her to keep looping until one of them ‘wins’ no matter what. Either way, I think that arc was a turning point for her. Like how she asked Featherine to arrange things so that Satoko can make sure that she and Rika’s loops are synced up, she probably asked Featherine after that arc to change the rules again so that Rika will start remembering the details of her deaths. At this point it’s pretty obvious that the Hanyuu fragment Rika was talking to earlier in Gou was more or less just Featherine putting on an act and manipulating her, so the scene of Hanyuu giving her the power to remember her deaths was probably just Featherine telling her about the rule change.

And going by how the Nekodamashi arc went immediately afterward, I think that rule change was related to Satoko becoming increasingly desperate to put an end to the loops as soon as possible. And considering how she was willing to spend so much time reviewing Rika’s hundred years of looping just to prepare for this, it’d make sense to me if she becomes desperate because she basically gives up, but realizes that she isn’t actually allowed to give up, so she has to try and make Rika give in as fast as possible. Either way it’s pretty obvious that Satoko’s methods start becoming more violent in that arc, and she basically tries to brute-force Rika into submission, leading up to the loop where she just spawn-camps her and straight up starts screaming at her to just stay in the village while tearing out her guts. It’s still possible that her attitude in that loop was just one big act, but I think that was the result of her being genuinely desperate to just have Rika give up once and for all, and her starting to crack under the pressure of doing all of these things with her own hands across so many loops.

So now we’ll just have to see how the confrontation between them at the end of Nekodamashi plays out once we get back to it. In the long run I just think it’ll lead to the ending I talked about before, with them using the sword on each other. The exact nuances of how that sorta ending might play out are up in the air, though.

Either way, I think there’s probably enough time to wrap up all that in two more episodes, but there’s still reason to believe that there might be some kind of sequel in the works. I don’t really want to bet on it, though, so I’m just gonna assume that there’s two episodes left and base my theories on that. In which case I think the next episode will go over the Damashi arcs and end with Rika and Satoko’s confrontation at the end of Nekodamashi, and then the final episode will wrap everything up. Considering that they both more or less know exactly what’s going on with each other by that point, there isn’t really that much that needs to be wrapped up. I think that will be the final loop we get, so it’ll all just come down to how their confrontation plays out, and what decision they come to about how to handle each other.

I honestly don’t really know how I think a full sequel would go, if it’s at least one cour long. Assuming that it’s not just a new Umineko anime that more or less continues Rika and Satoko’s arc via Lambda and Bern, but is a straight up ‘Higurashi Gou Season 2′. It just feels like there isn’t really that much that needs to be done to wrap things up, now that everything’s being laid out in the open, and Rika and Satoko are both aware of each other’s looping. They might switch it up so that they both end up teaming up to take down Featherine, but I kinda doubt that’ll happen.

I’m still hoping this is leading into some kind of new Umineko anime though, lol. That feels like it’d be the main reason for putting so much effort into this whole elaborate LambdaBern origin story we’re getting here.

I’ve heard rumors that there’s been listings for a 25th episode of Gou, so it’s possible that rather than another full season, there’s just one extra episode at the end. I’m not exactly sure what the point of doing one extra unannounced episode at the end would be, though. It might end up being a bridge between Gou and a new Umineko anime.

At the very least, if it’s just ‘Satokowashi Part 8′, it makes me wonder why they haven’t announced it yet, and why they didn’t just split that arc into two BD volumes with four episodes each, instead of having it be one big volume with seven episodes, and one random episode at the end for some reason. But if it’s more of an epilogue or a bridge of sorts between Gou and something else, with Gou’s story concluding with episode 24, then I guess it’d make some sense to do it that way.

We also know there’s gonna be a panel for Gou at a convention around when ep24 comes out, so if anything gets announced it’ll probably happen there.

Anyway, this whole episode can be summed up as “Satoko does a gay little psychological torture that pisses Rika off”, in the most morbidly entertaining way possible, lmao.

#murasaki reblogs #higurashi #higurashi gou

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weirdmarioenemies · 4 years ago

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Name: Whomp

Debut: Super Mario 64

You know what I’ve been thinking about lately? Super Mario 64. Haven’t we all, really? Between all the recent datamines and general online discussion, I can’t help but wonder about Super Mario 64!

Something I don’t think Mario 64 gets enough appreciation for, is being the birthplace of our beloved Whomps! At least, I certainly belove them. Don’t you? We’ve covered pretty much every “Thwomp” variant in the past, and sure, Whomps may be nowhere near the “obscure” side of enemies, but a splendid design is a good thing to appreciate anytime!

Not only is this their debut, but they get a whole stage themed around them: the Whomp’s Fortress, if by “fortress” you mean a vague collection of scattered obstacles and platforms floating in the sky, like most 64 stages! That sure is a lot of... textures! My favorite part is the little paddling pool near the bottom.

And who could forget the Whomp in all their original polygonal glory? Clearly they just wanted to make an enemy who is just a rectangle with a texture on top, yet the design had all its charm even back then! The sunken eyes with glowing red pupils, the H-shaped mouth with the crooked teeth... it’s very cute, in an ugly way. And on the back, their weak spot is a crack with a bandage on top! Adorable!

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it- that’s why the Whomp has only really had a few subtle redesigns over the years! When they appeared in Mario 64 DS, they looked just a little bit nicer to look at. They were also in New Super Mario Bros. DS, using the same model- a 3D only enemy in a 2D game, how strange indeed! Their first appearance in a new mainline game in 10 whole years- and it probably just happened because they wanted to reuse assets.

Another redesign? Don’t mind if I do! The Whomp’s grand return to the third dimension happened in Mario Galaxy 2, really cementing them (hah) as a modern Mario classic. This time, they’re huge! And square-ish! And uh, their eyes aren’t wacky anymore. No longer having a band-aid, they instead have a big ground-pound symbol on their back now, which must be just awful, right? Can you imagine having a big logo emblazoned on your back which says “crush me with your butt here”?

This here is their artwork from Mario Party 9. It’s the same as the art from Galaxy 2, but their eyes are glowy now. I just thought this was funny. But I’m getting ahead of myself here! Before I talk about Mario Party, I need to talk about...

Their monarch, the big bad Whomp King! He’s just... He’s just a big Whomp. He acts just like other Whomps, but he’s big and takes three hits. What’s totally memorable about this boss, though, is the villain monologue he gives before fighting!

“It makes me so mad! We build your houses, your castles, we pave your roads, and still you walk all over us. Do you ever say thank you? No! Well, you're not going to wipe your feet on me. I think I'll crush you just for fun! Do you have a problem with that? Just try to pound me, wimp! Ha!”

Uh oh! Looks like Mario’s world has a little problem with under-valuing essential workers! Good thing our world has nothing like that. Well, jokes aside, it’s a pretty cheeky nod at how the Whomps are made of stone- but one has to wonder much of this tragic backstory is serious! It must be a pretty nasty lot in life, huh?

Don’t feel bad- in 64 DS and Mario Galaxy 2, the Whomp King got a snazzy new crown! At least someone appreciates him a bit!

Well, it wasn’t just him: Galaxy 2′s Throwback Galaxy was one big reimagining of Whomp’s Fortress, meaning this is probably the most Whomp-focused game released in the past decade. The music was remixed, the boss fight was revamped- all in all, a lovely throwback indeed!

And the Whomp has basically just... stuck around! You may have noticed the image at the top (from Super Mario Party) has a slightly different design, being a little more rectangular with smaller, thinner eyes and a more angular mouth! They definitely redesigned the Whomp again at some point, but I couldn’t tell you exactly when... Either way, I’m glad they’re here for good!

Not that Whomps ever really went anywhere! In the years between Super Mario 64 and its remake, Whomps survived almost exclusively in Mario Party (and other spin-offs), functioning mainly as roadblocks that don’t allow the player to pass!

Which brings me to my final point- between their design and this function, the Whomp is most likely based on the mythological yōkai called... the Nurikabe! And since I’d love nothing more, I’ll now go into a long-winded tangent about what the Nurikabe is, and... Hey, wait!! Come back! It’ll be interesting, I swear! Don’t cut off the post! Hey-

Yeah, yeah. You’re all sick of my long-winded yōkai posts. But I’m happy you joined me here, even if it was out of pity. Let’s talk about the Nurikabe!

Look at this big guy! What a card! Nurikabe literally translates to plaster wall, and they take the form of a big invisible wall that blocks the way of travellers at night. Since they’re invisible, they naturally don’t have many illustrations- leave it to Shigeru Mizuki to depict them as a large, goofy-looking slab of stone! This Nurikabe joined the main cast of the GeGeGe no Kitaro manga, and thus quickly became a cornerstone (haha) of their popular depictions!

(To be fair, there does exist an old illustration of the Nurikabe as a strange, lumpy dog thing... but I’m not MUCH of a fan? I think a literal stone wall is so much more charming!)

Come on, look at this! What could be better?

Ōkami has a rather lovely Nurikabe-looking guy! Though his design is splendid, if you’ve played Ōkami you likely remember him as “the extremely frustrating memory puzzle” or “the memory puzzle that is literally scientifically impossible for the human brain to solve”. Shame!

Yo-kai Watch has the Murikabe, a.k.a “Noway” in the English version! “Muri” means “no way”. So like, it’s a pun. Hoho.

Nioh’s Nurikabe is quite scary, but also rather cool! Don’t you think? I still know very little about Nioh, but whenever I look at its yōkai I think “Dang! That’s cool!”, and I’m right, and it is cool.

The Super Sentai series has two whole Nurikabe monsters, each based on a different Nurikabe look! While the latter is quite cool, I’m in love with the former and its weird, grungy brick wall look! It’s like, the dictionary definition of Gnarly! Though I know very little about tokukatsu shows, I think its kind of fascinating how creative they can get with designing humanoid monsters suits!

You may be wondering: was this entire post just a thinly-veiled excuse for me to talk about the Nurikabe? And to that I say:

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaybe....???

#mario #mario enemies #super mario 64 #super mario galaxy 2 #whomp #nurikabe #mod f boy

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caught-in-a-seesaw-stigma · 5 years ago

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Map of the Soul, Chapter One

For the @btswritingcafe‘s Map of the Soul: 7 Workshop

Author’s Note: This story pulled me into long range territory, so I had to split it into 7 chapters to make it more manageable on Tumblr. Here is the first installment of this journey through the soul. I hope you like it!

Pairings: OT7 x reader (kinda); Jungkook x reader

Series Summary: If you give a piece of yourself to everyone you love, at some point, there will be nothing left for yourself. While feeling lost and alone in your adult life, a strange box falls onto your head in your own closet, and you take an unexpected walk down memory lane wondering where everything went wrong. Was it the romances that fizzled out, the friends & loved ones you left behind, the “what could’ve been” moments, the brush with Fate that never quite connected? Could the strange map you find have the answers you are looking for? Determined to feel complete once again, you embark on a journey to reclaim the missing pieces of your soul.

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Smut

Word Count: 8K+

Warnings: NSFW 18+ cursing/profanity, alcohol consumption, sexual tension, one night stand, sexual content, protected sex, oral sex (female receiving)

Chapter One: There’s Always Time for Euphoria

March 15th - 5:45pm

Done.

That was the singular thought pulsating in your brain as you parked the car. The day was only halfway over and you were way past the breaking point of your own sanity.

From the moment you’d stepped out of bed and into your urine soaked house slippers, you should’ve known that the day was going to be beyond disastrous. Even as you washed them in the tub and left them hanging to dry, you just knew the rest of the day would be a downhill slide.

You didn’t know why your dog Oberyn was upset, but apparently, it was enough to prompt his indiscretion on your only pair of house slippers. He’d even had the audacity to sit in his bed and glare at you while you hurled your anger and frustration at him as you got dressed for your day.

I don’t know what crawled up his butt this morning, but I hope he’s in a better mood. I’m in no condition to deal with his bullshit right now.

After almost tripping up the stairs to your apartment entrance and dropping your keys into the bushes on the way up, you finally made it across the threshold. You quickly changed out your work shoes for sneakers and got Oberyn ready for his walk. Fifteen minutes later, you were cleaning the bottom of your shoe after a happy little accident found your foot at the dog park. Oberyn seemed to smirk at your misfortune, but you couldn’t even muster the energy to care.

Once you both returned to the apartment, you put his harness and leash away and reached over to grab his after-walk treats. You noticed one was already out on top of the container and the morning’s havoc immediately made sense. Oberyn wagged his tail and waited patiently for his treats and a well deserved apology.

“I’m sorry, buddy,” you sighed, handing him both treats. “I didn’t realize I’d forgotten to give this to you.”

He accepted your apology and head pats, then happily grabbed both snacks and ran to eat them on his bed. You shook your head and smiled at the easily appeased creature.

If only everything worked like that. You get something you were missing and it suddenly solves all your problems. The Universe finally makes sense again. What a life!

You quickly changed into comfy clothes and collapsed unceremoniously onto the couch. The random assortment of unfortunate events of the day replayed like a blooper reel in your mind and you groaned at the stacks of embarrassment and humiliation you’d endured.

You’d locked yourself out of your office and the university maintenance guy took forever to unlock it for you, which made you late to your first class. You had to dismiss the class and reschedule the quiz since all the copies were sitting on your desk in your locked office.

You’d torn your favorite black slacks and had to patch them with bright green thread from your emergency sewing kit.

You’d sustained several injuries including three paper cuts, a stubbed toe, your knee knocking the underside of a table, and a staple stabbing underneath your fingernail.

You’d spilled coffee down the front of your blouse when a fly unexpectedly dove into your face.

You’d even lost one of your favorite earrings while taking off your scarf outside the Humanities building. It was now lost among the clumps of mud by the front door.

Why does the Universe hate me so much today?

RIIIIINNGGG!!

You swiveled your head over to your cell phone screeching at you from the side table. The comical picture of your mother flashing on the screen drew a groan of exasperation from your throat.

I can’t deal with her right now.

The phone ceased its machinations and you turned into the couch seeking an escape from the tragedies of the day.

RIIIIINNGGG!!

“Argh!” You wailed. “What could she possibly need from me right now?!”

After taking a deep breath, you picked up the offending device and swiped the screen to answer the call.

“Hello, mother,” you grumbled. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Oh, sweetheart,” she sighed. “Don’t talk to your mother like that. It’s undignified.”

“I apologize,” you corrected with fake cheerfulness. “Hi, Mommy! I missed the sound of your voice. How was your day?”

“We really need to work on your phone etiquette, honey,” your mother groaned. “You’ll never meet anyone with that attitude.”

“Yes, mother,” you replied snarkily. “My goal in life is to trap someone in my love nest with only my wit and wisdom as weapons.”

“Anyway,” she drawled. “The reason I’m calling is because I’m looking for something. Do you remember that stole you wore for your college graduation? The one your grandmother made?”

“Yeah, I remember,” you responded. “It has all the graduate names from our family embroidered on it. It’s in my memory box in the closet. Why?”

“Your cousin Sana is graduating from college in about a week,” she announced happily. “I need that stole so we can get it embroidered before the graduation ceremony. Can you overnight it to me, darling?”

You leaned back on the couch and released a sigh of defeat.

Of course other people are doing great things in their life. I’m the only dumbass stuck in a rut right now.

“I’ll dig it out of the closet and send it to you tomorrow,” you replied. “Let me know when and where the graduation will be so I can make plans to head down.”

“Splendid,” your mom chirped. “I’m sure everyone will be happy to see you. Get some rest, honey. You sound tired. Love you!”

Without giving you a chance to respond, your mom ended the call. You looked at the screen and rolled your eyes.

She gets what she needs and then she’s gone. Typical.

Knowing you would probably forget to do it later, you wandered over to your spare closet, grabbing the stepladder along the way.

Might as well get this over with.

You climbed up on the ladder and pulled on the chain for the light above your head. You couldn’t stifle the groan from escaping when you spied the piles of plastic containers and boxes on the upper shelf.

Why is my life such a hot mess?

You started pulling down boxes one by one to avoid an accidental avalanche. The collection of dust and crumpled cardboard left you sneezing and gagging on stuffy air and a faint smell of mothballs.

After clearing your throat and taking a sip of water, you looked up and spotted the box you’d been looking for.

Just one more box to move.

The box in question had shifted slightly and was wedged against the ceiling at an odd angle. Try as you might, you couldn’t get it to budge. With a huff of annoyance, you balanced yourself on the top of the stepladder and pushed up to get closer to the box. You heaved your palms against the side of the box and it gave away before you could regain your balance. You crashed into an uncomfortable heap on the floor and whined loudly as you felt the painful throb on your ankle.

After a quick assessment, you discover no other injuries except for a slightly swollen ankle and a sizable knot on the top of your head.

What the hell hit my head?

You glanced around and saw three different boxes scattered around you. One was the memory box you’d been trying to get, one was the previously wedged prisoner box, and the other was completely foreign. You stood up and walked over to lift it from among the clatter on the floor.

This isn’t mine. Is it?

You brushed off the subtle cobwebs and dust and revealed a collection of stickers and decals that were strikingly familiar. Most depicted the many fandoms you followed, but others appeared to be nothing more than artfully scribbled words in elegant script.

Time. Destiny. Passion. Happiness. Faith. Friendship. Love.

You turned the box over in your hands and furrowed your brows quizzically. You didn’t remember ever seeing the box before and it certainly wasn’t there when you originally packed the closet full of your crap.

A loud text message tone pulled you out of your reverie and you abandoned the box on the counter in search of your phone.

Ah yes, we have to keep the tradition going.

Your grandmother and her sentimentality were time consuming, but also adorable. She wanted to stress the importance of education in the family, but also find a way to keep everyone connected from generation to generation. It was her insistence that solidified this current graduation tradition.

You opened the memory box and lifted the neatly folded stole in its plastic bag and the small scrapbook decorated with graduation memorabilia. You took a moment to reminisce about your prior accomplishments and then placed the items on the counter. After cleaning up the mess on the floor and carefully returning everything to the closet, you limped over to the kitchen and poured yourself another glass of water.

On your third gulp, your eyes landed on the mysterious box again. It was no bigger than a shoe box, but was definitely sturdier. Curiosity got the better of you and you inspected it a little more closely.

There was a tarnished metal knob that needed to be turned in order to lift the lid. The glossy surface appeared to be varnished or glazed so that the stickers and words would remain fixed. There was no lock, so you decided to open it.

You didn’t know what to expect when you opened the lid, but it certainly wasn’t what you found.

Laying on top of a folded piece of paper were seven items: a rubber banana keychain, a cute little hamburger toy, a metallic purple kazoo, a gold sequined bow tie on an elastic band, a red beanie dragon plush, a spoon with a floral design, and a thin metal disc with an assortment of holes. You tentatively inspected each item and placed it on the counter.

What the hell is all this?

You lifted the folded paper out of the box and looked underneath. All that was left at the bottom of the box was a quote etched into the surface.

My life and yours are an equal sign, So my remedy is your remedy.

You read the phrase over a few times and couldn’t make sense of it. It seemed familiar, but you couldn’t place it. You turned the folded paper over in your hands a few times and then unfolded it. It’s a fairly large sheet and it resembled parchment. At first glance, the image on the paper looked like an intricate abstract drawing. There were large lines of ink brushed across in elaborate swirls resembling a disjointed heart.

The swirling lines were connected by smudges of charcoal across from blocks of text in colorful ink. There were seven smudges with lines of text to the left of each smudge. You couldn’t make sense of it, but there did seem to be some type of pattern implied. The lines flowed from left to right increasing in width and each successive line grew wider as it progressed to the other side of the page.

You studied the lightest portion of the drawing and read the lines of text next to this first smudge.

Were you wandering around Looking for an erased dream too? It’s different from the typical definition of destiny. Your pained eyes are looking at the same place as me. Won't you please stay in dreams?

The words were certainly poetic, but you didn’t understand their significance. You glanced at the other phrases and they seemed just as cryptic.

What the hell am I looking at? Why would something like this be in my closet?

You were too exhausted to think too much on it, so you shrugged your shoulders and folded the paper and placed it back in the box. You left everything else on the counter and decided that it was time for a shower and then bedtime. As you lay in bed, you exhaled heavily and focused on the hope that tomorrow would be better than today.

March 17th - St. Patrick’s Day - 4:27pm

Oh no...please don’t let her find me in here.

“Ok, no arguments,” Gina chirped in excitement as she pranced through your office door. “It’s time for green beer and dancing!”

Damn, she’s quick!

You lowered your head to your desk and groaned out slightly and silently scolded yourself for not leaving the office earlier to avoid her completely. It was much easier to avoid Gina if you were already out of the office, but once she had you cornered, it was almost impossible to tell her no. She was your favorite faculty member and the only person at work that you would consider hanging out with outside of the university.

Gina had been trying to get you to go out for months, and after a long week of midterm exams, you couldn’t find the energy to counter her offer. Besides, you were now, technically, on Spring Break.

“Come on, girl,” she pleaded. “You know I’m leaving for Acapulco the day after tomorrow with my sisters. If I can get you out of your stuffy apartment and into an Irish bar for a little St. Patty’s Day fun, then I can truly enjoy my vacation. You know how I worry about my work-bestie when I’m not around.”

She pouted at you and batted her long eyelashes, and you almost cackled at her adorable puppy dog look. You half expected her to start whining at you like Oberyn would when he wanted something. Maybe that image in your head that weakened your resolve against her proposal for a St. Patrick’s Day outing.

“Fine,” you acquiesced. “Where are we going, Gina?”

She squealed in excitement and twirled around with glee. You tried to resist the growing enthusiasm, but you quickly gave in with a sigh and a smile.

“Fine. Let me finish up here and we can go to my apartment,” you suggested. “I guess I’ll need you to help me pick out an outfit for tonight.”

Gina nodded happily and ran upstairs to collect her things. Once you finished packing everything away, she was hopping around in anticipation at your office door. Her bunny antics made you giggle.

Such funny friends I have.

March 17th - St. Patrick’s Day - 10:37pm

After a quick dinner of sushi, you were pushing your way through the crowded Irish bar back to the booth where Gina was entertaining her latest acquisition. The guy was certainly handsome, but he only had eyes for Gina. You had another set of drinks for the two of you, but upon discovering the entwined couple making out in the booth, you decided to retreat to give them some privacy.

Typical. She invites me out and then she ditches me for a pretty face.

You wandered back toward the bar and gazed at the writhing mass of bodies under the flashing lights on the dance floor. Desperate to lose yourself in the moment, you downed the two drinks and relished the flavor of Guiness and Bailey’s on your tongue. If Gina was going to have fun, then so were you. You motioned the bartender over and ordered a Jameson & Ginger Ale.

“A whiskey girl, huh?” exclaimed a sultry voice behind you. “Much better than those Appletini chicks.”

Ah, yes, the pick up line. At least his voice is sexy. Let’s hope the rest of him matches.

You couldn’t decide whether to be amused or annoyed, so you decided to let his face make the decision for you. You turned around prepared to give him your best smirk, but lost your nerve once you saw who it was.

“Jungkook?” you replied in squeak. “What are you doing here?!”

Pure amusement filled his doe eyes and he huffed out a laugh. You were floored that your secret hopes of your mystery man being handsome were completely dashed. In fact, he didn’t just have a sexy voice, he was also drop dead gorgeous. You hadn’t seen Jeon Jungkook in almost 7 years, and he hadn’t aged a day. Back when you were both still working on your undergraduate degrees, you’d been his writing tutor on campus, spending countless hours pouring over research papers and essays that needed serious revision and editing.

So many late nights spent at each other’s apartments, so many long hours in the private study rooms, so many casual touches, missed opportunities, awkward moments, and those long nights alone in your bed where you wished his strong arms were holding you. There was no denying the sexual tension you’d felt back then, and there was certainly no denying it now.

Now, here he was leaning on the bar in his billowy shirt and dark ripped jeans looking like some kind of Greek god holding a glass of bourbon. You quickly cleared the inebriation out of your brain and tried to appear sober and sane while you smoothed out your ruffled hair.

“So,” Jungkook smirked while pulling you closer. “I’m guessing you weren’t expecting to see me here, huh?”

“Ummm, no,” you admitted sheepishly. “I didn’t even know you were back in town. I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing here?”

“I just took a job here,” Jungkook stated simply. “Just hanging out with my new coworkers for the night. I saw you and thought I’d say hi, but I wasn’t expecting you to look so enticing though. You’re not here with your boyfriend or husband, are you?”

“Is that your subtle way of asking if I’m still single?” you popped your eyebrow at him. “And enticing, really? Still trying to pick me up, Kookie?”

He smiled a bright bunny grin at his old nickname. You were the only one who would ever call him that and he would never admit just how much he loved it.

“Oh, did you want me to try?,” he continued while reaching up to run his hands up and down your arms. “Hmmmm, where should I begin, babygirl?”

He pulled his lip between his lips and shot you a smoldering look while flipping his hair slightly. You tried to look disinterested, but you lost your composure when he reached up to push a lock up hair behind your ear. Your breath caught in your throat as he moved in between your legs.

“I mean it, you know?” Jungkook insisted while locking eyes with you. “You still look incredible.”

The bartender returned with your drink at that moment. Thankful for a little distraction, you lifted the glass of liquid courage to your lips. You swallowed a large gulp of swirling heady sweetness and smiled at Jungkook. He was watching you with stars in his eyes and you were enjoying every minute of it.

“So what are you doing these days, Kookie?” you asked, trying to shift his gaze elsewhere. “Are you still playing with your camera and crayons?”

Jungkook laughed and rolled his eyes at your insinuation. As an art major, Jungkook dabbled in several mediums including painting, sculpture, photography, graphic design, and drawing. The boy was insanely talented, so you were actually curious about where he’d ended up career-wise.

“I just took a job at an advertising agency,” he replied with a cocked eyebrow. “And no, I’m not playing with crayons, smartass. I’m their new Assistant Art Director, so I’m mostly working on graphic designs and managing their photography department.”

“Look at you,” you grinned. “Little Kookie all grown up and making big bucks as an actual adult.”

“I was always an adult,” he corrected. “Someone just always chose to treat me like a little kid.”

“Not always,” you shot back. “It’s not my fault you had a tendency to act like an idiot teenager sometimes.”

“Fair point,” he conceded. “But we all have to grow up sometimes, right? Except you, I guess. Looking at you, I could never guess that so much time has passed since I last saw you. You honestly look amazing.”

He leaned in and ran his nose along your neck up to your ear, inhaling deeply as he grazed your skin. He hummed happily as the intoxicating scent of your perfume hit his nostrils.

“You smell amazing too,” he sighed against your ear. “I bet you haven’t thought about me once since I last saw you.”

“Well, that’s a lie,” you smirked. “I’ve thought about you quite a lot actually. You, sir, are one of my big regrets from college.”

“Oh yeah?” Jungkook chuckled lightly while nipping at your earlobe. “Why is that, babygirl?”

You nearly purred at his touch and you hissed lightly when you felt Jungkook’s lips attached themselves to your neck.

“Oh, you’re such a fucking tease, Kookie.” you whined. “How am I supposed to think clearly when you’re doing that?”

“What?” he mused. “I’m not doing anything you don’t want me to, am I?”

You pushed on his chest slightly and he pulled away just enough to rub his nose along your own. You felt his breath ghost across your face and you allowed the smell of bourbon to mix in with his fresh scent.

“Kookie,” you sighed. “How much have you had to drink?”

He wrinkled his brow in confusion and stepped back to look at your face, searching for some explanation for your implied accusation. You weren’t trying to sound like you were chastising him for drinking, but you couldn’t shake the insecurity itching under your skin. It was entirely possible that Jungkook was just feeling a little tipsy from the evening and his familiarity with you was the cause of his brazen behavior. It wouldn’t be the first time, but you weren’t about to let a longtime crush be ruined because of a questionable drunken daze. Jungkook picked up on your train of thought and placed his drink on the bar.

“I hope you’re not insinuating that I’m only hitting on you because I’ve been drinking,” he scowled. “You should know better than that. I’ve been hitting on you since before I was able to buy my own alcohol, remember?”

“Yeah,” you giggled. “I remember having to sneak you into a few clubs back in the day.”

“Exactly,” he bragged. “So don’t try to make it sound like I’m just some random drunken idiot trying to get into your pants. I’m the same Jungkook who would look down your shirt or pull you into his lap in the hopes of making out with you. I mean, I’m still trying to get into your pants, but at least it’s not something new.”

“Still, huh?” you prompted after downing the rest of your drink. “Well, it’s going to take more than a little flirting to get into my pants, Kookie. You want to dance? I want to see if you still got those sexy moves, Kookie.”

He giggled and then finished his own drink with haste. He grabbed your hand to help you off the barstool and you pulled him toward the chaotic dance floor.

You shook off your previous nerves and worked your way into the pulsating mass of dancers. The music was thumping out a steady bass line and you swayed your hips back and forth to the beat. You weren’t sure if Jungkook noticed your attempt at seduction, but within moments, a pair of strong hands attached themselves to your gyrating hips. Given your vaguely inebriated state, you had no problem relinquishing a little control to your sexy suitor.

You encouraged Jungkook’s boldness by pushing your ass back into his crotch, grinding onto his growing erection. He leaned into your body and pulled you closer. His lips ghosted a kiss on your exposed shoulder and then nipped at your neck playfully. The pleased sigh that left your lips prompted a dark chuckle from him.

“So naughty,” he murmured into your ear. “If you keep on grinding onto my dick like that, I’ll have to take action, babygirl.”

You leaned your head back onto his shoulder and reached up to grip his wavy hair. He groaned softly as you tugged on the roots and his hips thrusted against your ass. You quickly calculated how long it had been since you’d had sex and decided that it was time to update your calendar.

“Oh yeah?” you taunted. “I’ll accept that challenge.”

You turned in his grasp and locked onto his lips with your own. He hesitated for a moment, but pushed back with his own lips in seconds. They were unbelievably soft and his fervent kisses ignited an inferno in your center. You decided to take it a bit further and you swiped your tongue across the seam of his lips. He moaned slightly in response and dove into your mouth with his own tongue. Once you bit down on his bottom lip, you both decided it was time to move to a more secure location.

He turned away from the crowd and pulled you behind him toward the bar. You both quickly closed out your tabs and made your way to the exit. Once you were both outside, you pounced on him and pushed him into the brick exterior, unable to contain your lust any longer. Jungkook appeared flustered by your eagerness and took a moment to gather his bearings.

“As much I would love to lose myself in this moment,” Jungkook huffed while pulling away from your hungry lips. “Maybe we should decide on a place with softer surfaces.”

You glanced at the vacant alleyway next to you and the brightly lit city street and frowned.

“Sorry,” you apologized. “Kinda forgot where I was for a second there.”

“Really?” Jungkook grinned and kissed your forehead. “You could’ve fooled me.”

“Let me call an Uber,” you volunteered. “My place isn’t too far from here.”

Once you were both in the Uber, you couldn’t stop touching and smiling at each other. The driver commented on the “happy couple,” and you didn’t have to heart to correct the old man.

Once you were both inside your apartment, Jungkook pushed you against your front door and started nipping lazily along your jaw.

Jungkook stroked his thumbs along your sides and leaned in to kiss your flushed cheeks. You sighed happily in response and ran your hands up his firm chest and rested them on his shoulders.

“Jungkook,” you began. “I didn’t think I’d ever run into you again. I haven’t seen you since my undergraduate graduation party.”

“I tried to see more of you that night,” Jungkook admitted while stroking your hair. “But someone disappeared in the middle of the party with their friend, Jimin.”

You flushed further at his words, remembering that night a little more clearly now that he’d brought it up. You and your former friend with benefits had indeed disappeared that night to have a little undergraduate graduation celebration of your own. By the time the two of you rejoined the party, Jungkook was long gone.

“Sorry about that,” you muttered. “I honestly didn’t think you’d be interested. You always had so many girls pining for you, I never thought you’d give me a second glance.”

“Are you kidding?” Jungkook scoffed. “I’ve wanted you since our first tutoring session. I could barely concentrate with you wearing that tank top and those little shorts. What kind of tutor shows up wearing something like that?”

“It was summer,” you countered. “It was over 100 degrees. What was I supposed to wear? A parka?”

You both giggled at that, and it broke the tension that was building since you recognized him. Feeling encouraged, you started lightly scratching his shoulders and chest, noting the stiff pebbles you grazed down the front of his shirt.

“So what now?” you asked. “Do we just keep reminiscing about old times until the sun comes up?”

You gently popped the top button from his shirt to reveal more of his deliciously tanned skin. Jungkook bit his lip and lifted an eyebrow suggestively.

“I think we’ve talked enough,” he grinned wickedly. “There are better ways to spend our time.”

Your eyes locked and you could almost feel the searing arousal growing between you. You gently pushed him away from you and then started walking toward your bedroom, tossing your shoes aside along the way. At the edge of the living room, you lifted your dress over your head and tossed it on the couch. Jungkook smirked and continued to unbutton his shirt while walking toward you. His taut muscles caused your thighs to clench in anticipation.

“Are you enjoying the view, baby?” Jungkook purred while looking you up and down. “I know I am.”

He unbuckled his belt and tugged at the buttons on his jeans. You stepped forward to help him, but got too caught up in touching his bare skin to be of any use. You pulled Jungkook’s lips to your own just as he leaned forward to pull his pants down. He was caught off balance, but quickly recovered after using his feet to pull the troublesome fabric from his legs.

After flinging his shirt behind him, you were both left in your underwear and no inch of exposed skin was left unexplored. Your dominant personalities were at war as you made your way down the hallway, and the aggression became tangible, especially after you practically slammed his back into the wall by your bedroom door. Jungkook squealed happily when you started climbing onto his chest and he reached down and pulled your legs up and around his waist.

Even though his hands were already busy holding you up, he still managed to slip a few fingers in between your legs from behind. The soaked fabric of your underwear pulled a sultry groan from his kiss bitten lips.

“Holy shit, baby,” he said in a breathy tone. “You’re so fucking wet already.”

You moaned softly into his ear as he trailed your arousal back and forth across your slit. He walked across the threshold of your bedroom door and sat down on the bed. You quickly pushed him on his back, but he sat back up and tried to still your frantic hands.

“Baby, baby,” he implored. “You can slow down a bit. I’m not going anywhere.”

“But,” you pouted. “You have no idea how many times I fantasized about this. I’m just excited that it’s actually happening.”

He reached up with one hand and unsnapped your bra with unbelievable precision. He smirked at your awed expression, tossed your bra to the floor, and then leaned up to kiss you sweetly.

“I feel the same way,” he confessed. “I just want to take my time with this. There’s no rush.”

Jungkook continued kissing along your jawline and proceeded to your neck. He pulled on your nipples slightly and then slipped his fingers around your waist to toy with the band of your underwear. You took a deep breath and smiled. Maybe you were a little eager, but it wasn’t often that a legit snack was delivered unto you by the Universe. The restraint was a real struggle.

Jungkook nipped at a sweet spot just below your ear and you hissed and clutched desperately at his back in response.

“Kookie,” you whined. “Don’t tease me.”

“Oh yeah?” he chuckled darkly. “I’d say you deserve a little payback for all the times you teased me, don’t you think?”

“What?” you scoffed. “When?”

Jungkook turned and tossed you onto the bed. He reached up and pulled your hands above your head and held them in place with one hand.

“Every time I saw you,” he reiterated while kissing down your chest. “Your flirty smiles, your sexy winks, your playful jokes, you sat in my lap on more than one occasion when we cuddled on the couch.”

“You never reacted to any of that,” you breathed out in a gasp. “I just assumed you wanted to be friends.”

“I didn’t want to assume anything either,” he admitted. “But I definitely wanted to be more than just friends.”

He leaned in and pulled you into another intoxicating kiss, and you leaned forward to slip your tongue into his mouth, needing to satiate your overwhelming lust. He pushed his own tongue against yours and then pulled away from your lips completely.

He smirked at your needy whine and trailed his free hand across your cheeks then down onto your breast. He leaned in to capture one nipple with his lips and stimulate the other with his fingers. You writhed in desperation, but he only hummed in response.

“Something wrong, babygirl?” He mused. “You seem a little agitated.”

“Gee,” you huffed. “I wonder why.”

Pure amusement played across Jungkook’s beautiful face as he released one nipple from his mouth with a loud popping sound. He licked the valley between your breasts and shifted his body between your legs. You could feel his thick clothed erection brushing across the top of your thighs. He leaned up to kiss your lips and lingered for a moment before releasing your hands.

“Keep your hands where they are, babygirl,” he instructed. “Don’t move them until I tell you to, ok?”

“What happens if I move them?” you challenged. “Will I get in trouble, Kookie?”

“Oh yeah,” he glared. “Big trouble.”

To send his comment further into your mind, Jungkook rubbed his girthy length gently across your clit and grinned wickedly as you moaned wantonly in response. He placed another kiss on your lips and began crawling down your torso. You released a flustered exhale and wiggled your hips beneath him in anticipation.

His hands continued to explore as he kissed a trail down your body. Jungkook paused and adjusted his position when he reached your dripping center. He nuzzled his nose into the thin fabric of your panties and gave the wet spot he found a lick.

Your hips tried to snap forward with the sensation, but Jungkook held you firmly in place. He slid your underwear down your legs and flung them on the floor with the other discarded articles of clothing. He then situated himself firmly between your legs and slid his strong arms under your thighs.

Intent on prolonging his sensual torture, Jungkook ran his tongue delicately along your juicy folds and the blew a cool stream of air onto your exposed nub. The sensation triggered a shiver to erupt across your skin, and you latched onto the pillow above you to anchor your hands in place. Before you could unleash another whine of displeasure, Jungkook dipped the tip of his tongue into your dripping center and swirled it to collect your juices. He released a satisfied hum when he swallowed and got his first real taste of you

“Oh, fuck me,” Jungkook groaned into your upper thigh. “Your pussy is delicious, baby. I may be down here for a while. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Ah,” you squeaked as he licked another stripe through your folds. “Go right ahead, Kookie. I won’t stop you.”

Jungkook nearly growled as he dove into your sopping wet slit, slurping up every drop of slick he could find. You moaned and twitched uncontrollably and he sent you into a tempest of pure pleasure. Every flick of his tongue, every bit of suction against your clit, and every grasp of Jungkook’s hands on your skin jolted your nerve endings into a full blown orgasm careening from your center and spreading all the way across your extremities. He was certainly taking his sweet time and enjoying every minute of it.

Once the climax shifted into overstimulation, you reached down and pulled on Jungkook’s hair and begged him to stop. The little bunny grin he flashed you was completely at odds with the sinful actions of his fingers in between your legs. He planted one last lingering kiss on your throbbing bundle of nerves and crawled off the bed.

You were about to protest his absence from the bed, but then he left you slack jawed when he pulled his boxer briefs off and kicked them aside. The sight of his quivering length made your mouth water, even more so when he gave it a few purposeful strokes. The swollen pink tip was already weeping with precum and you licked your lips, wondering about the taste.

“Ah, you can’t do that to me,” Jungkook blushed. “You’re looking at me like you want to eat me up.”

“Maybe I do,” you teased. “Can you blame me when you’re looking so damn tasty?”

Jungkook chuckled wickedly as he mounted the bed again and hovered over your tantalizing naked figure. He licked his lips, still tasting your essence on his tongue, and raked his eyes up and down your body.

“Are you ready for me, babygirl?” he mused. “Do you think you can take all of me?”

Glancing down at his sizable girth, you popped an eyebrow and tilted your head pensively. You reached over to your side table and opened a drawer to pull out a condom, handing it to Jungkook with a smile.

That’s a damn good question. Can I?

“I guess it’s time to find out,” you teased. “How long are you going to keep me waiting, Kookie?”

That was all the encouragement Jungkook needed to act upon his voracious hunger. He quickly rolled the condom onto his dick and leaned forward to give you a passionate kiss. He released your swollen lips and you gasped as you felt him rubbing his tip along your damp slit.

“I’ve been waiting for this for so long,” Jungkook murmured. “Just know that you’re in for a long night, baby. I’m not going to stop until we’ve made up for all that time we lost.”

With that being said, Jungkook plunged his throbbing cock into you and released a ravenous groan above you. You both remained still for a few moments and you squirmed in his hold hoping to increase the friction you craved. After the tension in Jungkook’s shoulders subsided, his hips burrowed deeper and deeper into your soaking heat. He relished the deluge of your juices dampening his thighs, the melodic moans of his name you uttered over and over again, and most of all, the profound elation of finally reaching the state of euphoria he’d been dreaming about since you were both in college.

The night raged on with your ardent love-making, and after hours of unbridled bliss, you were sprawled across Jungkook’s chest, buzzing with contentment. Both of your glistening chests heaved from exertion, but the fucked out looks on your faces didn’t reveal any hints of exhaustion.

“That was unbelievable, Kookie,” you panted. “Why didn’t we do that sooner?”

“Because we were both idiots?” Jungkook suggested. “Whatever it was, I’m glad we finally found the time to do it.”

He kissed the top of your head and smacked your ass playfully. You hissed at the contact and pursed your lips at him in a pout. He giggled at your cuteness and wrapped his arms around you.

“What was that for?” you whined. “You’re so mean, Kookie.”

“Hey,” he protested hotly. “I told you to keep your hands in place earlier, but you just had to pull on my hair. I owed you at least one good spank.”

“I think you spanked me enough tonight,” you replied cheekily. “Among other things.”

You both smiled at each other as you replayed the events of the evening in your minds. You leaned over to pull him into another lingering kiss. He chuckled and stopped you from deepening the kiss.

“We should probably clean up,” he argued. “We are a hot steaming mess right now.”

“Speak for yourself,” you shot back. “I’m not a mess.”

He lifted his eyebrows and then reached between your legs to drag his fingers across the stickiness clinging to your legs. You mewled in protest and shot him a dirty look for calling you out.

“Ok, fine,” you agreed. “I’m a mess, but so are you. How about a shower before I change the sheets?”

He nodded in agreement and helped you off the bed and into the bathroom. Your legs were still a little wobbly after so much physical activity.

It’s been a while since I put my thighs to good use.

The intimacy carried on in the shower, but neither of you had enough energy to initiate another round of passion. The most you were able to do was kiss each other lazily after helping each other clean up. After the shower, Jungkook was an absolute gentleman and helped you change your sheets.

“You don’t have to leave, you know,” you suggested. “You could just stay. It’s after 5am anyway.”

“I know,” he replied coolly while buttoning his shirt. “But I’m not really in the habit of staying the night.”

“Oh, really?” you teased while popping an eyebrow. “Then can I get you a drink before you leave?”

Jungkook smiled at your hospitality and nodded in response. You were quick to get him a glass of cold water and set it on the counter. A now fully dressed Jungkook walked over and pulled you into another kiss before grabbing the glass and taking a drink. You nuzzled against his chest and sighed. Jungkook set the glass aside, wrapped his arms around you, and kissed the top of your head sweetly.

“Hey,” he exclaimed suddenly. “Where did you find that?”

He reached over and picked up the banana keychain still sitting on your counter. You totally forgot about the small collection of random objects you found in the closet, but now that Jungkook was examining the keychain, your thoughts revisited the mysterious items once again.

“It was in a box I found in my closet,” you confirmed. “Why? Do you recognize that keychain?”

“Of course I do,” Jungkook murmured. “It’s mine, and it isn’t just a keychain, it’s a USB drive.”

He pulled the banana apart at the center and it revealed a USB connector bearing the lettering 512GB. Your jaw dropped at the sudden revelation.

“What the-” you queried. “Why would I have it?”

“Maybe I left it at your place or something?” Jungkook said. “But the point is, I looked everywhere for this thing. I have so many layouts and artwork on here, and this will be incredibly useful at my new job. You are literally saving me weeks of work with this thing.”

“You’re asking me to just give you this flash drive that I found in my apartment mixed in with my stuff?” you reasoned. “How do I know this is actually yours?”

“Because I recognized it,” Jungkook argued. “And I also knew what it was. You obviously didn’t.”

“Hmmmm,” you mused. “I don’t know. What’ll you give me in return?”

Jungkook patted himself down and reached into his pants pocket to pull out a green shamrock on a beaded necklace with the word “Lucky” emblazoned across the front. The look on his face gave off the impression that he was confused, but then it transformed into amusement. He grinned and flipped a switch on the button, causing it to erupt into a barrage of green LED lights.

“I will give you this limited edition, LED powered four leaf clover necklace,” Jungkook proposed. “It’s the perfect good luck charm, and so much better than a horseshoe or a rabbit’s foot. What do you say?”

You eyed the glowing button and burst into a giggle fit. Jungkook was presenting it to you as though it were some kind of grand prize on a game show.

“Where did you even get that?” you asked. “Do you just hide random holiday necklaces in your pants?”

“No,” Jungkook chuckled. “They gave it to me at the bar. I almost left it on the table, but I couldn’t put it down. When I saw you by the bartender, I guess I just put it in my pocket. It’s weird, I usually don’t keep stuff like this. But it’s yours, if you want it.”

“Well,” you grinned. “With a sales pitch like that, how can I resist?”

He joyfully handed you the flashy plastic bauble and pressed another delightful kiss on your lips. You set the shamrock necklace aside on the counter and wrapped your arms around Jungkook’s neck to continue pressing sweet kisses on his soft pink lips. Before things got too heated again, Jungkook pulled away and kissed your forehead. He exhaled a deep breath as you buried your face into his firm chest.

The night had been phenomenal and this thing between you and Jungkook was heating up so well. Maybe there was a possibility for more than just a one night stand? It was a risky proposal to bring up, but your history with Jungkook gave you a sliver of hope.

“So when do I get to see you again, Kookie?” you breathed out while looking up at him. “Now that you’re in town again, maybe we can see each other more often?”

“Uh, well,” Jungkook sighed nervously. “I’m not sure. I just started the job and I’m going to be pretty busy, so I’ll have to let you know.”

“Oh,” you replied while gently releasing your hold on him. “That’s fine, whatever.”

“Hey,” he began while pulling you back into his embrace. “It’s not what you’re thinking. I had an amazing time with you tonight, but I’m not sure I can give anything more than something casual. I wish I could give you more than that, but I’m not really in a good place for anything serious right now.”

You pouted slightly and nodded your head in understanding. Having been in that exact same head space before, you could understand his apprehension. There were easily five years between you and Jungkook, so it was natural that you would be at different places in your life. It would be unfair to expect more of him if he wasn’t ready for it yet.

“I understand,” you murmured knowingly. “I don’t want you to feel obligated or anything like that.”

“I’m sorry I can’t offer you more than that,” he admitted. “Believe me. If ever I’m ready for something long-term, I’m going to be looking for you.”

“If I’m still available,” you mocked him playfully. “You never know. Some other gorgeous man might snap me up before then.”

“Well,” he growled while sinking his hand into your hair. “If that’s the case, then he better be ten times better than me and willing to give you the world on a silver platter. You shouldn’t settle for anything less, babygirl. You deserve to be treated like the goddess you are.”

You rolled your eyes at him and pursed your lips. He shot you an adorable bunny smile and eagerly kissed your lips once again. He took a moment to brush his thumbs across the apples of your cheeks and then shook his head with a goofy smile.

“Ah, I better go,” he announced in a huff. “If I spend any more time here, I’ll never leave.”

“That isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” you shot back teasingly. “I’d definitely make it worth your while.”

“I know you would,” he snickered. “But I really do have a lot of work to do. I’m going to need the rest of the day to recover from tonight before I have to be at work on Monday. Someone gave me a hell of a workout.”

You winked at him and leaned up to kiss him once more before he pulled away toward the front door. You shared one last hug and kiss at the open door after exchanging phone numbers.

“Thank you again for giving this USB back to me.” he expressed with gratitude. “You have no idea how much time you’re going to save me. I’ll try to call you later this week. Maybe we can meet up and do something, if you’re not busy?”

“We’ll see,” you smirked. “I’ll let you know.”

Jungkook flicked your chin and shot you an impish grin. You watched him disappear behind the elevator doors before closing the door to your apartment. Once you were back in your kitchen, you sipped at the water you’d poured for Jungkook and looked at the scattered items on the counter. The absence of the banana keychain was noted, but the glowing shamrock was a welcome replacement. You decided to send Gina a little update before you went to bed.

You put your phone on the counter and let out a loud yawn, the evening and all of its activities finally catching up with you. The mess on the counter annoyed you, so you placed everything back in the box on top of the paper map and switched off the lights.

“I’ll take another look at this tomorrow,” you yawned. “Time for sleep.”

As you walked back to your room, you turned off all the lights and got settled into your comfy bed with fresh sheets. There was still a faint scent of Jungkook floating in the air and it calmed your senses. You started drifting off to Dreamland with visions of Jungkook prancing across your brain.

At least I can stop wondering about Jungkook and what might have been. I’d been obsessing over that for so long. Now, I can move on if I need to.

Reassuring visions danced across your brain and all of them resembled Jungkook. He kept tossing four leaf clovers at your feet, and you giggled in your sleep as he continued showering you in lucky charms.

Jungkook made a good point. Four leaf clovers were much better than other good luck charms. Your bunny boy bestowed a bounty of luck upon you, all while blessing you with a rabbit’s foot of his own.

Well maybe a few inches less than a foot, but size isn’t everything.

With a smile on your face and your heart full of possibilities, you coasted on fumes to the final mile into a deep sleep, knowing that tomorrow would be brighter without the added weight of your past insecurities pulling at your nerves.

It’s funny. I almost feel like I’ve regained something I didn’t know was missing. Maybe Oberyn is on to something after all. The Universe definitely makes more sense than it did yesterday.

That couldn’t just be a coincidence.

Could it?

Your mind continued its existential ramblings throughout the wonders of Dreamland, and in your kitchen, something inexplicable was happening. Only Oberyn was awake to witness the subtle purple glow and sparkle emanating from the counter top. It was over in a flash, but Oberyn still sniffed at the air in the kitchen trying to locate the origin of the unexplained phenomenon.

Chapter Two: Soulmates are a Forever Kind of Thing

MAP OF THE SOUL MASTERLIST

@caught-in-a-seesaw-stigma‘s MASTERLIST

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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 4 years ago

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A Family of Five- Part 2: Like Sugar, With Salt

Calum and Harlowe’s marriage hasn’t always been easy, but it has always been filled with love. This is a collaborative experience with In Sorrow and In Joy. Dad!Calum. Black OC.

CW: Over the course of this series, there are mentions of pregnancy, therapy, and postpartum depression. There is also 18+ Content (Smut)

Enjoy my masterlist | Series Masterlist

Support me on kofi

No one has my permission to repost my work of fiction. This includes translations as well.

__________________________

Harlowe is still laying in bed. The alarm went off hours ago. She managed to get up, change her clothes. Calum made her eat with him and the kids. But the second she could escape, shower, and change again, she crawled right back into bed. The TV plays. Normally she would be watching it, but it’s more like the TV is watching her. The afternoon has settled in nicely, a bright clear day. She knows she ought to get up. There’s laundry to do. There’s lunch to fix. The very least is laundry. The absolute minimum. Calum can’t do it all himself. Laundry, she can do laundry. Throwing her feet to the floor, she pushes up. Just do laundry. Just do laundry.

She walks into Te Koha’s room first. His toy trains lining the molding of his floor. He likes to think this is cleaning, since it’s not in the middle of the floor. He’s stubborn that way. Her and Calum have both collectively just let this happen. It doesn’t interfere too much and she’s glad at the very least that it’s not cluttered in the middle. There’s a path--and it works. Pulling his tiny hamper, she drags it behind her in, leaving it near the door before checking Esha’s room. Even though she’s still barely a toddler, she has her own hamper. Harlowe thought it would be frivolous but Esha wants everything Te Koha has, his tiny shadow.

Grasping both hampers, she carries them down stairs. There’s no one inside. There’s not a giggle or chuckle or the twinkle of Pepper’s tag. It’s unusual for sure. But it’s not crazy. Just noteworthy, the silence settles thickly. Just the barely audible hum of fridge. She walks over to the kitchen window and sees Calum bouncing Esha as Te Koha runs around with his airplanes, Pepper runs behind him. Koha spies her from the window and smiles. His chubby cheeks lift as he waves. “Momma!” he shouts.

She leans over the counter, pushing open the open the window. “Hi baby!”

“Will you come outside today?”

The question hurts. Things have gotten so bad again. Harlowe knows that. She just never thought her children would notice. Just go out for him. Go out for him, Harlowe chants to herself. She nods.. “I gotta put some clothes in the washer, but yeah, I’ll come out.”

The smile on his face radiates. He cheers. “Need help? I can help?”

“No, baby. Mommy’s got it. Keep an eye on Papa Bear for me. Make sure he doesn’t step on my rose bushes,” she adds.

“I can hear you, you know,” Calum gripes. Koha laughs, but resumes his running with the toy plane. Calum steps closer to the open window. “If you don’t feel like coming out, don’t push yourself. Take it one step at a time.”

She exhales. It’s good for her. Just for a little bit. “I should go out.”

Esha whines in Calum’s arm, reaching for something below. He sets her down. “Okay, baby girl, I know. Down, I know.” She trots toward Koha. Calum turns back to Harlowe. “Let me know if you need anything, okay? Please?”

“I will.” He eyes her, head tilting forward. “I promise.” He knows she’ll suffer in silence. They both will. To a fault. Even if it’s bad, but that’s just who they are. A cry starts up; Esha. Doesn’t sound particularly bad, it’s more like a startled cry.

Calum jogs over. “What happened, baby girl? You’re okay.”

“She just tripped,” Koha says.

She leaves the window open. The small chirps and sounds of life help, make her feel less isolated. She sorts their clothes by colors and tosses them into the machine. The kids have a special detergent and she grabs it, always a little shocked by how heavy it is. The washing machine begins to rumble. She rests her hands onto it, feeling the vibrations shake up her hands and arms. She is still alive. Right?

The back door is unlocked from when Calum took the kids and dogs out. She wonders if Calum knew that she needed a moment’s silence. Or maybe he was worried. If the kids watched her fall apart for too long, would they become hyper concerned? Would they want to do nothing because she was doing nothing? What was she teaching her kids? Her forehead falls into the glass of the door. She can’t teach them that. She can just water the flowers, right?

There’s still lunch to fix. The kids will be getting hungry soon. She can get to that right? Calum’s here. They’ll get that that. She twists the doorknob, stepping onto the warm wood of the deck. Koha rushes up the porch steps, wrapping his arms around her legs. Brushing her palm over his back, she sucks back tears. Koha’s only ever wanted good for her. He deserves his old mother back. Not her now, covered under a thick blanket of tired, of doubt, of shame. “We didn’t water the flowers yet, Momma. Do you want to do that? Can I help?”

He starts to pull back from her. Harlowe’s quick to wipe her tears from her face. “Yeah, let’s go water the flowers.” The walk to the garage door. It cranks after she types in the code before they walk inside, Te Koha takes hold of her hand. Harlowe gives it a squeeze, smiling, however briefly down at her son. A spitting image of her. With Calum’s soul.

Things were better when he was first born. Harlowe had gotten pregnant with Te Koha well before she and Calum had ever considered getting married. But it didn’t matter. Besides, Harlowe will never forget the day Calum did propose, down on one knee in the middle of her empty apartment. He was sweaty for sure, having helped move her out so she could stay with him. She was swollen, stomach, ankles, feet. Everyone that looked at her was afraid she’d pop at any second. But it was Calum who popped instead, on his knee, to take her hand.

He was going to do right by her. After nearly fucking things up. He couldn’t loose Harlowe a second time. Her pregnancy with Te Koha was fine. There were aches and pain for sure. But she felt fine. She was fine. Te Koha was a fairly easy baby. And now there is just a fog. Esha wasn’t a worrisome baby. She was stubborn and a opinonated, even at two. But she wasn’t difficult. It was just Harlowe’s brain. Her brain was making things hard.

“Momma?” Te Koha asks, taking his water can from her hands. He can see the frown pulling down his mother’s face.

“Yes, baby?”

“I’m sorry you’re sad,” he whispers. “I promise to be good.”

She gasps, a short explosion of air before her chest squeezes. She kneels in front of her little boy. His brown eyes are teary up like mine. Cupping his face between her palm, she brings his attention to her. “What’s happening to me is not your fault. It’s not Papa Bear’s fault; it’s not even Esha’s fault.”

“Then what happened?” He sniffs, wiping underneath his nose. “You were so different before.”

“Momma’s had some serious health issues. It’s…. been hard on me. But it’s not your fault. Please, please, please don’t think it. I wish I wasn’t like this. Mommy wishes she could be her old self. I am so sorry.”

“Is there is anything I can do to help?”

“Just keep being you baby boy. Just keep being you.” She wipes the tears that have fallen from his skin. “Do you still want to help me water the flowers?”

He nods. “Yes. I always do.”

“Okay,” she whispers. “Let me grab my can.” They walk to the hose, Harlowe filling Koha’s up first. Then filling hers. He trails behind, waiting for the every other plant that Harlowl leaves to him. He sticks his tongue out a little, watching as the water slips over and splashes onto the ground. Harlowe pauses occasionally to pluck the dead leaves and weeds around certain plants. Te Koha follows suit, under the careful eye of his mother. This is the mom he remembers. A soft smile on her lips when he pulls hard at a weed and successfully uproots it. A small cheer of pride echoes from his chest.

“Need any help?” a voice says behind me.

Harlowe looks over her shoulder. Koha shoots up from his seated position. “Uncle Mikey!”

Michael laughs, collecting Koha into his arms before picking him up. “Oh, you’re getting big. No wonder Cal’s got arms like fu--freaking Superman. Lifting kids all day is a great work out.”

“Michael, what are you doing here?” Harlowe’s not sure of her own voice. It’s strange for sure. But there’s a glimmer of something light, something like happiness. It is happiness. He’s still the same. With the basketball hat, the fringed hair, the leather bracelets, and the rings.

He opens his free side to her and Harlowe folds into his embrace. “Cal called me over. Said you were having a decent day. Wanted to check in.”

Harlowe and Michael have, over the years, gotten close. They bonded originally over video games. Harlowe has her degree in psychology and through her willingness to always listen to him they grew closer. Michael isn’t necessarily reserved but he’s not always forthcoming about things. He’s vocal when it’s necessary. Harlowe never judged--she pushed occasionally for him to open up. But she never sneered at him, never berated him over his feelings. She just listened.

Michael returned the favor. He’s always become a great pillar of support since this funk after Esha’s birth. She had shockingly cried to Michael a couple times about her inability to conceive a third child. She wanted to give Calum that picture perfect family. Her body and mind weren’t ready for that--they were telling her to slow down. She always had trouble listening.

“It’s been okay,” she says softly, pulling back from his hug.

“Okay is good. Okay is great.”

“Are you going to help us?” Koha asks.

Michael laughs. “Sure, why the--why not?” Michael’s still working at censoring him around the kids. Almost five years should’ve been enough practiced but Michael was only the uncle currently with no kids. He didn’t have the filter on all the time.

The three of them settle back down in the front garden. Harlowe pulls out the gardening seat for Michael to sit. He complained about potentially ruining his jeans. “Look!” Koha puts out a bug, nestled into the mulch. Harlowe pulls back his hands a little. Even though he’s wearing gloves, she fears that it could be a snake or spider. It’s not though upon closer inspection.

By the time they move to the side of the house where the kitchen window is, Calum gazing out of it. “Lunch’s up soon, bud. Come inside and wash your hands,” he says softly to Koha.

Koha and Harlowe look up at each other. The window is opened just enough. “Can I Momma?”

She grins and looks over to Calum. Hhe sighs, hopping onto the counter and holding out his hands. “Fine, you two are definitely fucking Aries.”

“Swear jar, Papa Bear,” she laughs, sliding off the gloves and hoisting Koha up. He grabs Calum’s forearms and he slides in through the window. Calum sets him down. “Wash your hands now. I don’t want to find actual ants on your ants on a log.”

She just barely catches Koha’s laugh as he walks away from the window. “He loves going in through the window. Why not let him live a little?”

“Because then he’ll think it’s normal to climb in through the windows,” Calum laughs.

“You saying it’s not?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying, missy.” They share a laugh. Including Michael. He’s used to their shenanigans. “You coming in for lunch?” Cal asks.

“Once I finish up out here. Shit, the laundry.”

Calum shakes his head. “One load is already done. Second load is in the dryer.”

“I’m so sorry I forgot.”

“Baby, it’s okay.”

She sighs. “I’m just so off. I hate this.”

“Just consider the meds, think about it, okay? I’m not asking you to makeup your minds just yet. But don’t count it out.”

Michael rests a hand on her back, not quite on her shoulder but not quite off it either. “They honestly could help, Harlowe. Don’t eliminate the possibility. I know you don’t want to take meds. I know you can do this without. But you don’t have to.”

“The ACT is helping, I think. I just don’t want to add more to our medical expenses. I’m already running it up as it,” Harlowe counters.

Calum wishes he could shake his wife sometimes. Snap her out of whatever haze she was in. Or just get her to see that he cares not what dime amount it costs. “You know money is not a problem here.” Harlowe opens her mouth. Calum continues before she can interject it. “Finish up in your beds and then come in and eat. Relax the rest of the day. Think you can finish the beds?”

She nods. It’s been weeks since she’s been out here. Calum tries to do it for her. Harlowe’s picky, picking it up from her mother and her grandmother the particular meticulousness when it comes to her yard. He does what he knows she likes and knows how to keep the basics up but doesn’t push it too much further.

He slides off the counter. “Ready to eat little man?” Koha nods.

Harlowe goes back to her yard. Michael calls into the window for something before handing a bottle of water to Harlowe. “Maybe you should get out of LA,” he says holding the bag for weeds open.

“You sound like Calum now. You guys have been working here for years now.”

“It doesn’t mean that we can’t move, you know? We’ve been discussing going back to Sydney, anyway. Going back to our roots, settling down. Cal and Luke already have kids. LA’s no place to raise kids.”

She rips the weed from the dirty. Some mulch flies up through the hair. It lands and Harlowe stares down at it. “ I don’t want to be lectured at about moving.Then I have to look for a new university to work out. I’ve got three years where I’m at.”

“You’re not tenured. You said they’re already discussing making changes to the Creative Writing department.”

“I love the kids I work with. They’re brilliant. I have great reviews from them. They’d be crazy to get rid of me.” She yanks at out another weed.

Michael sighs. “They’ve done crazier things before, you know that better than anyone.”

“Even if the band moves back, it will still take me awhile to find work. I can’t force Calum to take care of the bills alone.”

“Harlowe, you’re making fucking bank. Calum’s smart and has been for years now. He could handle everything and more by his income alone.”

He’s right. Calum’s invested some money. Most of those profits go towards savings for the kids future education plans. Advancements from albums and merch sales have also been sitting in savings for them. Her income is chump change comparatively. Calum’s always treated it equally. The sales from her books helps too for kids savings. Her salary covers half the bills. My income is chump change compared to him.

She could move. Maybe she should. Calum’s been dropping the possibility more and more since everything went downhill. “My family,’” she says softly.

“They’re going to cause you to go gray.”

A sob chokes her. Her chest squeezes. When did she start crying? When did the tears burn her eyes? I’m so used to being able to handle things. I don’t know what to do.”

Michael rubs at her back, shushing her softly. “You’re allowed to be weak. Being strong doesn’t mean being able to handle everything. It’s about knowing your limits, knowing when you need help.”

It takes a few minutes before the tears subside. The water soothes the ache in her throat. The passing moments are filled with silence. Michael points to some small green leaves, making sure it’s okay to pull before he gets a grip on it. He can’t tell if it’s a new plant or not and would rather not cause her another crying fit. Harlowe nods before clipping off some browning leaves.

“You are not alone in this, okay? Remember that.”

“Thanks, Michael.”

She watches, to make sure he gets safely to his car. It’s all the years of drinking as a young woman and knowing that any moment could be someone’s last. It’s the years of being a mother and freaking out whenever Te Koha decides to hide behind a rack or mannequin. She has to see with her own eyes to everyone’s safely.

When she gets inside, after double checking the lock on the door, she notices Esha’s standing with her little horse. Her smile is bright. Harlowe does her best to return it as she goes to wash her hands. Esha clambers right behind her, the clacking of the plastic striking the floors. Harlowe steps to get a paper towel. More clacks are heard.

Harlowe runs in a circle, the clicking following her ‘round and ‘round. She scopes up her little girl, lifting Esha above her head. “You’re getting so big, girlie. I love you.”

She giggles at Harlowe. “You’re not tired?” Harlowe asks. “You should be tired by now. You ran behind Koha today. He’s a fast one. My little zoomer.”

When she looks over to him, sitting at the table, tracing over the alphabet with Calum, he grins. “Nyoom,” he laughs.

“Down,” Esha pleads. It’s softly at first. Then she repeats herself, more firmly, when the request is not immediately fulfilled. “Down.”

“So demanding, you’re my child. Lord help you.” Harlowe sets her down and she runs back to her horse.

Calum chuckles. “Alright, c’mon, Koha. You’re half way done.”

“I’m being Momma’s little zoomer,” he huffs but goes back to tracing.

Calum turns his attention back to Harlowe. “Make sure to eat.”

She nods. She’s not very hungry though. She knows she should be. But she’s just not. Her appetite goes most days. “Want to shower first.”

He points to the fridge. He means right now. “Please, baby. Just something. A turkey sandwich and apple. It doesn’t have to be a lot. I even bought pink ladies, your favorite.”

“I smell.”

“Harlowe.”

She knows that tone. She marches to the fridge to find the plate all ready for her. She knows, during the first couple of bites that she won’t get it all down. Something is better than nothing under Calum’s watchful stare. She pretends not to notice his constant glances and gazes out of the same window that Te Koha was lifted through. They both know the other is watching.

More than half the sandwich is gone and the whole apple is finished. Harlowe tips the plate in Calum’s direction before dumping the core and sandwich remnants. He gives a slight nod. His acknowledgement of what she’s eaten. He worries. Maybe more so than he should. But who can fault the concern? Who can find any issue in the pure love that he carries for her? He wants her to be okay.

Harlowe walks over to the penmanship study and tugs at Calum’s elbows. “You stink, you know?” he teases.

She lifts an arm, turning the armpit to his face. “Wanna try something else smart to say?”

Calum rears back. “God, I can’t breathe. Te Koha, help me. I’m going to suffocate from the stink.”

Koha laughs in his seat. “Sorry Daddy, I have to finish tracing.”

“My own son betrays me,” he gasps, pretending to pass out. No one reacts. “So you all were just going to let me die? Even you Esha,” Calum sits up, pulling her into his chest. He smiles over Harlowe’s shoulder to her. She coos, smacking her toys together in excitement. “Yeah, even you were just going to leave your old man high and dry. No love.”

She stands and walks over. Harlowe end down to pick her up. She reaches for Calum though. “She’s such a daddy’s girl,” Harlowe laughs.

“I love you,” he breathes into her skin, lips brushing over from the forehead kiss.. “I love you so much. Mommy loves you too. You too, Koha,” he says turning his attention to his son, brushing his fingers through the tight coils. “We love you too.”

“I know,” he says softly. A grin taking over his face. “I know.”

Harlowe decides on a soak. But after her shower. The shower will let her cry if she needs too. Though, after her tears in the garden, she thinks today will be decent. The rose scent of the bubbles starts to invade her nostrils. Her eyes close and Koha’s face fills her dark vision. His tears. His plea for her to get better. Her own children take the blame for her brain’s reaction.

The sting starts up behind her closed lids. God, she’s so unfit. With lips pressed together, Harlowe tries to quiet the sobs. It’s just about nap time; she doesn’t want to wake them. But God, how unfit. Unable to remember the laundry she had started. Hardly able to keep the yard together and in good shape. Can’t even a fucking sandwich.

Every second she can sit in bed, she does. Calum must think she’s disgusted with him. Harlowe hasn’t touched him sexually in months. She wants too, just lacks the motivation to go through with it. All her energy is spent before her feet ever hit the floor. Covering her mouth, she lets one nasty sob rip through her. The floor thuds with footsteps; Calum’s heard. Fuck. She sniffles. Pull it together. He can’t see her crying again. He doesn’t even bother knocking, not that he needed to anyway. If he heard the wail, she knows he would’ve broken down the door if necessary.

“Babe,” he rushes out, settling onto the edge of the tub. “Talk to me, please.”

Her hands tremble; her throat hurts. The words are stuck in the dryness that coats her mouth. Grabbing her towel from the counter, he sets it on his lap before pulling her out of the water. Calum wraps the extra fabric, then holds her to his chest. The rocking motion helps. All she has to do is focus on the back and forth motion. She doesn’t have to think about anything else.

“Te Koha thought it was his fault,” she breathes. The words are sour. She feels like there is bile on them as she speaks. “He thought he had done something wrong. I forgot about the laundry. I’m barely eating. I’m falling apart. I don’t want to fall apart. I’m not taking the fertility meds like I should. I want to give up; I don’t want to keep doing this.”

Calum finally speaks, voice thick. “Do you want to get better?”

“Sometimes I do; sometimes I don’t.”

“Right now, do you want to get better?”

“I’m just tired, Calum. I’m so fucking tired.”

“You know I’m here for you. You know I care, right?” She nods against his chest. “Do you trust me?” She nods again, clutching onto the cotton t-shirt. He releases a breathe. “Then we can’t stay here. You can’t keep dodging therapy appointments. You can’t skip your meds.”

“I know; I’m sorry.”

Calum kisses the top of her head, or what he can reach of it behind the pineappled afro. “I need some extra hands. We need some extra hands; I know a nanny scares you. But we’re getting out of LA, as quick as possible. I’m calling your parents, see if they can help for a little bit. But we’ve gotta get out of here. I know you’re worried about insurance costs and such. But maybe it’s time to leave the States. My parents could help us; I’m sure they’d be happy to.”

She is small, in that moment she is that eleven year old girl that cried in a bathroom because she heard her parents arguing. She is that eleven year old girl that needed her father’s comforting touch. She is small again, in Calum’s lap, still damp from the shower and bath. She needs someone to help her. Maybe she can stop torturing herself, her husband, and her kids.

“Okay,” she whispers. “I need the help.” A tiny drop of relief hits her stomach. She needs help. She needs help. She just needs the help. There’s no shame in that, right? There’s nothing wrong in admitting that sometimes the burden is just too heavy to carry all by herself.

#calum hood #calum hood fanfic #calum hood fic #calum hood imagine #calum hood x black oc #calum 5sos #dad!cal #dad!cal series #dad!calum #5sos #5sos fanfic #5sos fic #5sos imagine #5 seconds of summer #5 seconds of summer fanfic #5 seconds of summer fic #5 seconds of summer imagine #h writes

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dontgotothenetherworld · 5 years ago

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secret language (lydia x reader)

so i was scrollin through pinterest and i came across a post (i didn’t save it oops) that was basically an alternative alphabet, and my brain was like: inspo. so basically reader was best friends with lydia in elementary school, but she had to move away after fifth grade. due to plot convenience, she has moved to where lydia now lives for their junior year.

1062 words

cw: femreader.

you know how in tv shows or movies the new girl shows up and everyone either starts making fun of her or they’re scrambling to be her friend? shockingly, that does not happen in real life. not in middle school, not in high school.

literally no one except the teacher cared that you were there. and the teacher only cared because he had an alphabetic order seating chart that you just messed up. maybe don’t do alphabetic seating charts? like mr. teacher dude, they fucking suck.

just like middle school, no one talked to you. they judged your outfit and went on with their life.

you felt a tap on your shoulder. turning around, you saw a girl dressed in a gothic style, definitely outside the norm for what everyone else was wearing at this dreary school, handing you a folded over piece of paper. people still passed notes here?

considering you were in the front row, the note was probably for you. you took the paper and turned back around. the paper was light pink, like the girl behind you was writing on.

you carefully opened the crisp paper. on it were various lines and dots in a thick black pen. obviously some kind of alphabet, but what was it saying?

you looked back at the girl. she raised an eyebrow.

wait a minute… did she look familiar?

it suddenly came back to you. you quickly scribbled the key to the odd alphabet in the corner, and began working on translating it.

h e l l o y n , d o y o u r e m e m b e r m e ? - l y d i a

you grinned. of course, it was lydia. the two of you had been the best of friends when you were in elementary school. truly, you were the queens of the playground.

like, seriously. your grade had decided that every day at recess you’d participate in a high fantasy live action role play. you and lydia had been the queens of the elf/faerie girls, at war against the human boys. in order to keep your war plans a secret, the two of you developed a secret language.

o f c o u r s e i d o , m y f e l l o w q u e e n . - y n

you handed the fresh piece of paper with your message on it over your shoulder, without looking at her.

i c a n n o t b e l i e v e w e e n d e d u p a t t h e s a m e s c h o o l .

lydia sent another pink sheet to you.

m e n e i t h e r . t h a t i s s o c r a z y .

”what period lunch do you have?” lydia asked you when the bell rang. passing notes was time consuming, so you didn’t actually say much to her.

”sixth.”

lydia reached out for a high five, “we both have the shitty lunch! meet me at the door when the tardy bell rings, and i’ll let you sit with me at lunch.”

”sounds like a deal.” you shouted. you were headed to the opposite side of the building from lydia.

by fifth period, you realized why lydia didn’t like the lunch period. you were really hungry.you were a little concerned, if you’re being honest. did you really want your first real conversation with lydia since the fifth grade to be marked by you scarfing down your food like a wild dog? no. oh, and whatever other friends she had. that’d be their first impression of you. yeah, no.

you snuck some bites of food all throughout your fifth. your teacher had explicitly said not to eat in her class, but whatever. fourth period let you eat, so you’d follow the rules tomorrow.

you were originally worried about getting to the lunchroom way before lydia, and just having to stand there and wait, but you ended up walking just behind her for a little bit. you would’ve started talking to her then, but hallways are crowded, and she sure can weave her way through a crowd.

”hey, y/n!” she said when she stopped at the door.

”hey! how has your day been going?” you followed her through the crowded cafeteria.

”ugh pretty shit. like, i know it’s just the first day back, but i already hate all my teachers. except for mr. b. i love him.”

”who’s mr. b?”

lydia arrived to a table in the corner of the room. there were already three people sitting there. they were a strange mismash of people. there was a crimson haired boy dressed in black skinny jeans and a purple sweatshirt, a girl with light brown hair and a lolita style dress with tall socks, and a boy in a button up shirt with dress pants. “mr. b’s my latin teacher. virginia, mike, max. this is y/n. we used to be best friends back in elementary school.”

the three of them greeted you with warm smiles. “so i take it you’re not in latin? or are you in the seventh period class?” the dressed up boy asked.

”uh, no. i finished my language requirements with spanish last year.”

”lame. latin’s the best. i’m mike, by the way.” said the dressed up boy.

”no way, french is totally the best.” said the girl, who you assumed was virginia.

”i’m with y/n. bare minimum.” said max.

you laughed a little, “actually it’s because my old school only offered spanish and i didn’t really like that class.”

”that’s, like, really rude of your old school.” said virginia.

you hoped that you could actually make it into their friend group. they seemed really fun to be around.

after school, you met up with lydia again. “so do you like my friends?” was the first thing she asked.

”uh yeah. they seem cool. sorry if i was a little awkward around y’all today.”

”y’all?”

”i literally just came from the south, don’t judge me.”

”well, you didn’t seem awkward to me. you should definitely have lunch with us again tomorrow.”

”well it’s not like i’m going to ruin my chance at having a friend group for no reason like that.”

@meangirlsx @meangirlmurphy @eliza-is-confused @boredomimi

ok but should i make a series out of this? i mean i know i already got a enemies to lovers lyds series (which i need to update oops) but do y’all want to see a friends to lovers one? also let me know if you want more of these random friend characters that i just made up <3

#beetlejuice #beetlejuice musical #beetlejuice broadway #beetlejuice fanfiction #lydia #lydia deetz #lydia x reader #lydia deetz x reader #fic

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theboyz-engup · 5 years ago

Text

To All The Boyz I’ve Loved Before; Letter Eight

Summary- It was wonderful what a few little letters could do; they could make or break a friendship, cause someone to laugh or smile, make someone remember the time of their life or that moment they wanted to forget. Just some words on paper and poof, everyone knew the way your heart beat and workings of your brain. High school really did wonders on you, as did those twelve boys. Maybe they didn’t know it, but they changed your whole life with each smile, each wave, and each word you typed into paper. You made them permanent, and now they had to know why.

Word Count- 10.6k

Previous Letter - Next Letter

disclaimer: this chapter has mentions of violence, as well as discrimination towards the LGBTQIA+ community. the reasons for this are explained in this post here, which i recommend giving a read before this chapter if this is your first encounter with my blog / this series (and even if it isn’t, it’s a good refresher). this chapter was a way for me to express some of what I have experienced, felt, and continue to feel as a part of the community and, though it isn’t the main part of the story, it is still present in the main character’s life as it is in all lives. thank you for reading and enjoy

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Changmin jogged down the few steps in front of his house, excited to see Jaehyun again. He was coming back today and Ji was told to meet him at his house, where they could take the car and go around town. The boy was always his close friend and he hoped that maybe he could catch a glimpse of Juyeon too. All of them hadn’t been together since the eleventh grade and it made the boy a bit sad. He missed his friends.

As he made his way down the street, he passed the mail woman, who yelled his name. Turning, he made eye contact with the plumper lady, jogging the few steps back.

“We don’t have much for your house today, just this,” she crooned. She looked older than he remembered, crows feet now deeper beside her eyes but smile as sweet as always. He gave her a thank you, bowing slightly before taking a look at the letter in his hands.

“Oh, for me?” His mouth was wide, glasses slowly making their way down the bridge of his nose while his eyes widened.

The woman bid him a sweet goodbye, wishing him a good day, which Changmin quickly returned. Turning back to his original route, he turned over the paper and shook it, confused about what could be in it. Though, he supposed it didn’t matter. As long as he saved the woman a walk up the stairs, he was happy. Quickly, he ripped at the paper, hoping to find out more about what was inside.

—————————

Dear Ji Changmin,

Through our time together, I think I’ve learned how to be strong and it is all thanks to you. You’re a knight in shining armour and I’m beyond glad to have you in my life.

—————————

Mid September, 2016

Amalia’s car came to a slow stop next to the school, sunglasses low on her nose and cocky smile notching her lips up her cheeks. As the window came down, she turned to fix you with a very proud look, one hand on the wheel and the other on the car door.

“Well? What do you think?”

You came very close to the car, ran your finger across the metal and then held it up to show her. “Dusty.”

She smacked at your hand, grumbling a bit as you gave her a loud laugh. It took a small jog to get to the other side and, once you got in, Amalia pouted.

“You don’t like it?”

“It’s your parent’s car, Amalia,” you pointed out, leaning your head towards her, “I’ve seen it before.”

“Yeah but not with me driving it,” she shot back, kicking up an eyebrow at you.

Hands up in the air, you chuckled and said, “you got me there.”

“Tell me you like it and I’ll take you to McDonald’s,” she persuaded, chin now sticking up in the air as she straightened in her chair, ready for the compliment.

Despite yourself, you told her what she wanted to hear, smiling widely at the little giggle that escaped her mouth. As she began to drive, looking very carefully at all her mirrors before taking her car out of park, she chimed, “see? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Before you could respond, Amalia shot off into her usual story time and you were glad to hear her blabbering again. You missed her over the summer, realizing that spending almost everyday together was integral in your relationship. Your days felt rather bland without her, especially when the rest of the group was out of the city. Though, you had to admit that you and Hyunjoon would probably never hang out just the two of you out of some sort of unspoken respect for him and Amalia.

“Sunwoo’s gotten really popular,” she began, talking about the obvious gossip first.

You couldn’t help but agree, feeling a bit small. It had only been a week or two of school, weeks that Sunwoo had taken off to stay and train with his company after his performances, but it seemed like his name was on everyone’s lips. It made you uncomfortable, watching little freshmen walk up to you and ask if you were his friend. Then you thought that, if it made you want to disappear, how would Sunwoo feel? Would he revel in it or would he hate it? A small part of you wished it was the latter, not knowing how you’d feel if the very small bit of growing fame made him into someone you didn’t know.

Noticing the way you quieted down, Amalia’s hand reached off the wheel at a stop and she squeezed your hand. With a sweet smile, she murmured, “he’ll be back soon and it’ll be fine. He won’t be any different. He promised me.”

Taking your bottom lip in and biting it, you wondered if he would keep his word. Without noticing, you began chipping at the polish on your nails, a habit Sunwoo himself had scolded you for endlessly. He would stack his hands on top of yours and press down on them for you to stop but, without your inhibitor, your nail polish began tearing off easily.

With your mind on distant thoughts, you zoned in and out of conversation easily, partially listening to what Amalia was saying. You were trying, you really were but sometimes- almost all the time- it was easy to get lost.

“And apparently Jace got into a huge fight at a party during the summer.”

That rocked you.

Blinking, you found your tongue working again, pulling back to repeat, “Jace?”

Amalia hummed, giving you a swift nod as she pulled into the drive-through. You mentioned you should get Hyunjoon food for practice as Amalia ordered, reading what a usual lunch of his would be like from your notes and listening to her repeat it to the woman on the other end. As you rolled up to the first window, getting all the money out to help Amalia pay, you pressed for more information.

“Jace and Shan are the least confrontational people I know,” you mumbled, trying to wrap your mind around the situation before quickly adding, “besides Joon, of course.”

Amalia shrugged, paying with a smile on her face before slowly coming forward to the second window, where you waited. “I don’t know what happened but, like, nobody does? It happened while he was upstairs at a party and the other guy- Kellen from the year above? Yeah, he won’t tell anyone what happened either.”

“So that’s why he had that bruise,” you said aloud, thinking back to earlier today when you’d passed him in the hallway.

“Not like he doesn’t deserve it though,” Amalia muttered, grabbing onto the incoming bags, turning to say thank you with a sweet smile. The second she began driving, something sour overtook her face and her frown turned downwards.

Your eyebrows touched as you tried to figure out what she wanted to say. “What do you mean?”

Giving you a small look from the corner of her eye, she just shook her head. Underneath her breath, she murmured a small, “nothing,” and kept on driving. Within a beat, she was back to telling another story but that didn’t take your mind off Jace.

You wondered if he was okay, finding yourself genuinely concerned. Did he win? Was he okay? Most of all, though, you wanted to know what everyone wanted to know: why? As you thought it over, the drive disappeared into the past and Amalia had dropped you off back at school. It was decided that you would drop of Joon’s lunch and wait for her at the school so you could all go home together and study for biology. She needed to get gas and snacks and promised to be back for you.

Blowing a kiss at you before leaving, Amalia tossed a loud goodbye out the window and pulled away from the brown building carefully. You found yourself waving with your free hand, the other gripping tightly onto the paper bag with food in it. Once you couldn’t see her car anymore, you feet led you to the practice room, memory taking you half the way there seeing as Joon was always there nowadays.

A few knuckles of yours knocked on the door of the practice room, looking through the glass at the dancing boys before letting yourself in. Juyeon gave you a big smile, one you had grown to love and bury in your heart, underneath emotions that had no right to be surfacing. Hyunjoon immediately bounced forwards, groaning as his hands went to the bag in front of your body. His fingers tipped the paper forwards, opening it so the smell wafted out and the rest of the boys came forwards, begging for a bite of fries. Ji Changmin, the one able to focus, just clapped a bit and got their attention.

“Guys, come on, we've gotta keep practicing. We can eat later.”

The way his eyes landed on yours made you stop your little grin. He always felt so present, like he could see all the way through you and yet see everything about you at the same time.

“Can I stay and watch?” you asked lightly, stepping backwards to feel the wooden box that was propped up behind you.

“We're almost finished, Ji,” Hyunjoon hummed, giving their leader those puppy dog eyes nobody could deny. Changmin took a beat, eyes lingering on your face for more than a second and then nodded.

“We're almost finished,” he repeated and then turned, getting himself in position as another boy, one who just joined, ran to set the music back.

Juyeon walked past you and murmured something about your brother before you reached inside the bag and popped a fry in his mouth. You giggled a bit before feeling the mood change in the room, music starting to fade in. With running footsteps, everyone came into position and then they somehow became one machine. They were oiled so well to the point where each person's arm went up at the same angle, at the same time, with the same emotion. It felt ethereal watching them, knowing Changmin was the puppet pulling their strings, telling them exactly what to do and when and how. He was something else, one of the most perfect magicians because he didn’t have to say anything to make you fall in love with him. He just had to move his thin body in time with the wind.

Practice ended quickly when you were focusing on Changmin. A part of you stole your eyes away to look a Juyeon, watching the way he bent and twisted. Though he wasn’t as fluid, you still found him amazing, and perhaps that’s why you focused on his classmate more. You needed to get your mind off him, it could never happen. You repeated those words to yourself in your head, thinking and crossing your fingers, a part of you wishing it wasn’t true but it was. Your heart was already torn in two pieces. You didn’t need another boy to place your bets on when the first two were already something you were unsure of.

As everyone filtered out one by one, grabbing their bags and laughing, telling stories of what they needed to finish when they got home or their horrible history teachers, you sat on that stage box. Crosslegged and comfortable, you finally got to hand over Hyunjoon’s share, waiting for him so you could eat together. The boy sat down beside you, hair in his face and dripping a bit but his smile was as wide as ever. With a kind grin, you went and handed him a towel, glad to see him this happy again.

“Enjoying yourself?” you asked, taking out both of your meals and handing him his. He nodded, settling down by crossing his long legs as well, knees poking into you. The chatter was slowly dying around you as Joon spoke, more people leaving but Juyeon was at the front, grabbing water and talking to Changmin. When he caught your eye, he smiled with teeth and you had to force yourself to look back at your food, heart leaping.

“Best choreography yet,” Joon appraised, looking almost starry-eyed at Changmin, who was now laughing at a joke, “like Ji wasn’t allowed to make the whole choreography before but now that he’s head dancer, he’s really stepping it up. The newcomers don’t know how great they have it with him being lead.”

You watched Hyunjoon stare a bit more before chuckling and poking him in the side with your elbow. “Did you get that solo?”

Instead of a verbal response, Joon just nodded his head, filling his mouth with his burger. He had barely eaten at lunch and, as he puts it, doesn’t believe in breakfast so you let him chomp down, glad to see his cheeks filled. Exclaiming, you threw your arms around his shoulders and gave him a bit of a shake.

“I’m so proud of you!” you hummed, pulling away to see his extremely large grin despite the food in his mouth. It was clear he wanted to say something more but got distracted, his bashfulness getting the best of him. As you returned to your spot, you found yourself rambling about how excited you were to see him before quieting down and letting him chow down. Through chews, he tried to ask where Amalia was but the question didn’t need answering. The girl burst through the practice doors, looking a bit flustered but mostly happy.

“Guess who just got the best snacks like won’t even be able to figure out what I got,” she started, instantly going on about her haul and the people she met along the way. She loved to say that she was an ambivert and had very introverted tendencies but this girl could be put in the middle of nowhere and be fine. Sometimes you were jealous of it, listening to how her and another girl bumped carts and ended up recognizing each other from elementary school.

“Isn’t that crazy?” she asked to confirm, coming to sit down in the space both you and Joon made between the two of you. As she hopped up on the box, she went to grab a fry from Hyunjoon but you put a few of yours in her hand instead, wanting Joon to eat as much as he could.

“You’re giving those out like free candy,” Juyeon chimed, using his chin to point forwards as he fixed his bag around his shoulders. Changmin was a little way behind him, walking and stretching his legs as he took steps forwards.

“I am a gentle monarch,” you joked, placing a clean hand over your heart. The crescent eyed boy grinned, forming little moons on his face that seemed to sparkle. You hated how much he drew you in when he smiled like that, all big and goofy, like he didn’t care who saw.

“You know, I’ve never had McDonald’s,” Changmin piped up, finally coming towards your group. You looked over to see Hyunjoon’s eyes widen completely, almost popping out of his head as his hand came over his mouth.

“You what?”

Amalia also gaped, neck craning forwards as her jaw dropped. Only Juyeon didn’t seem surprised, throwing an arm over the boy’s shoulders and sighing, “he’s a healthy one, this boy.”

Ji chuckled, shaking his head and suddenly becoming shy. “No, not at all, I just- I never was allowed when I was younger so I never tried it.”

“Well here,” you offered, thrusting your cup of fries forwards. He notched up an eyebrow and almost took one before you brought your hand back quickly and smiled.

“Only if you teach me a cool dance move first.”

There was a small chorus of questions and encouragement all around the small group of you, four people seemingly enough to pressure sweet Changmin into agreeing. He didn’t have a problem with dancing but his whole persona offstage was someone completely different. He went from being this demanding, hard hitting presence to someone so kind. You hopped off the box at the side of the room and followed Changmin to the mirrors, just a few steps away. Looking behind you at the hoots from Amalia, you saw Juyeon taking your place beside her, clapping a little bit. Hyunjoon’s hair was getting fixed out of his eyes by his fingers, back arching forwards so he could watch you. Amalia was giving you a devilish grin and two thumbs up. It felt nice to have that support no matter what though you wished Sunwoo was here to see you. He would’ve been glad to watch you do something so off-brand, so impulsively.

As you shifted your head to the left, Changmin’s large, kind eyes came into view and you felt grounded. You were really about to do this.

“Okay, this is the highlight move of our most recent choreo,” he explained, getting you to stand straight in place before circling around behind you so he could be seen as your shadow. Standing right behind you, he got himself into his starting position and asked you to match him. You did your best, bending your knees where his were and having your arms pointed outwards. Still, Changmin moved forwards to gently press his hands up your back to straighten it in the right direction, his fingers wrapping around yours to give you a proper fist in your left hand.

“This is a bit more aggressive,” he murmured, being just loud enough for you to hear him. Your eyes followed him unwillingly, heart suddenly pounding in your chest. He flustered you almost immediately, gaze finding yours through the strands of hair that fell in his face. Yet, his smile was encouraging and soft. He felt familiar.

Slowly but surely, he took you through the few steps you needed to know to do the most impressive move of the dance, nodding every time you asked questions. You stopped paying attention to your friends, who had started up a little conversation among themselves. Juyeon left at one point, giving you a wave and saying he’d see you ‘at home’ before giving Changmin a hug. Then Joon and Amalia left, probably to change and have some time to themselves. It ended up being just the two of you in that practice room with bars and mirrors and cold fries now tucked away in a paper bag.

He clapped you through the steps, giving you the proper beat before asking if you wanted to try it with the music. His hands were on your shoulders and he was looking at you using the mirror, slender body just a half step behind you. You were left breathless, though you couldn’t figure out if your shallow breathing was his fault or the dance’s. As much as you knew dance was hard, performing and perfecting this was proving to be extremely difficult. Still, you loved it.

The music filtered on and Changmin demonstrated it for the first chorus, which you followed quickly before grinning and nodding. You could do it. As the second chorus came around, Changmin did the move with you, beside you this time and giving you a feeling of togetherness. Then, for the final chorus, he let you do it alone, watching you and clapping excitedly once you finished.

When your hands came down, all the choreography you knew coming together, you collapsed, giggling with tiredness and happiness. You’d really done it, and it didn’t look half bad. The dancer came to sit beside you, laughing a bit at your dramatics but mostly grinning because he was proud of you too.

“You’ve never danced before?” he asked, splaying out beside you on the hardwood floor. You just shook your head, weirdly out of breath and entirely nervous at how close he was to you. Your arms were nearly touching, fingers just a split second away, and you wondered if it was just you feeling this heaviness in the air. Maybe it was just the weight on your chest that made you feel so light and hopeful, or the fact that fantasies created themselves in your head faster than reality unfolded.

“You’re really good for a beginner,” Min praised, giving you a bright grin as he turned his head to face you. Reluctantly, you met his gaze and found yourself lost for a second before gasping.

“Oh my god, those fries must’ve gone cold, I’m so sorry,” you immediately apologized, scrambling to get up and look at the food you’d left. He just laughed, shaking his head and hands at you.

Softly, he said, “it’s okay! Not your fault, I took forever with the details.”

Feeling heat on your cheeks, you apologized again, rolling up the bag after confirming the food wasn’t at its best. You slumped a bit, watching Ji get back up on his feet and fix up a few things in the studio. Finally, he unplugged his phone from the speaker and closed the cabinet, backpack firmly on his shoulders and a towel around his neck.

“I’ll walk you down to meet your friends,” he assured you, noticing you shifting slightly in your spot, unsure if you should leave ahead of him or not. There was something very easy about him, like he could get along with anyone and everyone if they wanted to be his friend too. You nodded, somehow getting quiet again as nervousness slipped back into your skin.

“It must be a lot of responsibility being the lead dancer this year,” you mentioned, hoping it would be something he’d like to talk about. He only shrugged, trying to play it off.

“It's stressful but no big deal, honestly. The worst part is having to lock up, always being the last to leave and stuff but it’s a responsibility I chose,” he finished, clearly being very diligent about the words he was using. He checked the lock of the practice room, pushing the door to make sure it was fully locked before asking if you’d like to go.

Beginning your way down the hallway and up a few stairs to get back to the main level, you pressed a bit. “If it means anything, I really admire you. I come watch your practices all the time because of Joon- who practically idolizes you, you know, like wants to be just like you- but I’ve loved watching your performances ever since grade nine because you’re so good. I don’t even do dance and I can tell, which means you’re impressive, right?”

Changmin seemed to shrink under the compliments, smile growing wider and wider and redness forming on his cheeks. His tongue struggled to find something to say, clearly baffled by your incoherent line of thought and messy sentence, but he landed on a string of thank yous you deflected.

“No need,” you promised, shaking your head as your fingers came between the loops of your backpack, “I’m just being honest.”

You were nearing the front doors, voices echoing through the rounded atrium of your school and you were a bit sad to be parting. Though, you knew you really did have to study for that upcoming test. Changmin only gave you a click of his tongue, shaking his head with his gaze downwards. His thumbs were placed like yours until his feet planted and you came to a stop beside him.

“Um, if you’d want to see more, I’m doing this event at the school dance, like the welcome back masquerade thing. If you’re going, I’d love to see you.”

The invite had your hands shaking, but you nodded nonetheless. “I’ll, um, I’ll let you know?”

He nodded, biting down on his cheek. You saw him contemplate how to say goodbye before awkwardly shifting forward on his feet as taking steps to the front door. You followed closely behind him, walking the rest of the way in silence.

As you breached the outside, wind touching your skin and the sun beginning to set, as it did the later it got in the year, Changmin gave you a small wave.

“See you at the next practice, maybe?”

You nodded, silly smile slipping onto your lips. Now, there was no way you’d miss a single one.

—————————————

I’m sure that maybe you were just being nice but, also, it felt like you saw something in me. I was starting to slip into my lowest and you grabbed my hand to try and help me out. My whole world felt like quicksand and you were an anchor, telling me not to move and that you’ll get me out soon. I remember I would go home and replay your smile in my head. It was shockingly bright and enough to lift my spirits on a weekend or a Friday with no plans (so most Fridays). Still, as irregular as our interactions were, I cherished them. I was glad for little moments where I could just forget and be a typical, starstruck junior who had a tiny crush on a senior.

—————————————

Early October, 2016

The masquerade couldn’t have come quicker, too many things happening all at once. What with school, tests, and getting prepared for what came after, you felt like you really needed a day to relax. Not to mention Sunwoo was coming home and Eric was coming down for the weekend, finally getting a hold of his parent’s car. He told you a few days before the dance, all excitedly telling you he would come down with his girlfriend.

“I- I have a dance this weekend though, I won’t be able to see you on Friday,” you stuttered, making up some excuse to put off meeting her. You knew it was stupid and you should just be happy for your best friend, he deserved to be as excited and giggly as he was then, but something in you stung like poison when you heard her name. Jealousy was an ugly monster and you wanted to keep it at bay for as long as you could.

“Are there still tickets?” Eric sounded eager, like he really wanted this weekend to be a hit. You didn’t want to lie to him, knowing he’d come down and check nonetheless. It would only cause a fight.

You put down your pencil, turning away from your study notes and lying on your back, staring at your ceiling. Your phone was pressed to your ear, elbow bent to an extreme to keep it there.

“I think so, but I wouldn’t know who to ask.”

You could practically see him shrug if you closed your eyes. Sometimes, he was so nonchalant about things, usually needing a plan but earnestness outweighed that impulse apparently.

“I’ll just buy some at the door, no big deal,” he concluded. He was probably nodding, pleased with his decision. Then, suddenly, he had to go and wished you a quick goodbye. Much to your surprise, he added a few little words to the end which seemed to make both of you speechless.

“Love you,” he chirped before stopping. There was a slight breath you both took, you sensing the way it stilled his heart when he said it. You were affectionate, sure, but saying that you loved each other was a very rare thing. It only happened in times of deep sobs and emotional revelations, never so casually tossed around.

An awkward giggle popped past your lips and, though it felt weird, you didn’t force the words past your lips as you repeated what you’d heard. Then, swiftly, Eric said another good-bye and hung up the phone before hearing your response. The line went dead in your ears and you pulled the phone away from your ear, a bit shocked that he was acting like that.

With the entire situation on your mind as you got ready for the dance, you stared at yourself in the mirror. Amalia had asked you if you wanted to try a dress maybe, or a skirt if you were feeling up to it, but you decided against it, opting for pants and a nice shirt. It was the easiest way to dress nicely while also fitting in, not going too against the grain. Amalia said she stood in solidarity with you and bought herself a pantsuit, sending you a picture of her in it an hour ago. You responded, telling her she looked beautiful, and she sent you a bunch of hearts back. There was something that felt difficult between you two recently though, as if communication wasn’t enough.

A frown touched your lips at her response, causing you to simply put your phone down and stare at yourself in the mirror a bit more. Sometimes it felt like you didn’t even know who this person was staring back at you. Chuckles rummaged through your chest as you thought of the animated Mulan movie, voice coming through and humming the tune softly. A little knock at the door took your voice away and you turned to see Haymond in an almost proper suit.

“Ready?” he asked, usually preoccupied with how his hair was positioned or straightening the wrinkles in his clothes, but now he was completely focused on you. His eyes didn’t slip past yours to the mirror and you felt a bit better knowing that your brother saw you, even if you couldn’t sometimes.

You nodded softly, grabbing your phone from its charger and taking everything else you’d need. Haymond’s hand was on your shoulder as he led you down the hallway and stairs, mouth chattering.

“It’s my last welcome back dance and they had to make it a masquerade,” he started, a bit of happiness in his chest as he joked, “as if it wasn’t already lame enough.”

“Then why are you going?” you pushed back, notching up an eyebrow at your brother.

Haymond only shot you a glittering smile, straightening in his spot as he fixed his tie. “As resident ladies man, I really need to make an appearance at every event.”

You snorted as your dad came around the corner, giving your shoulder a quick squeeze. “What he means is ‘I’m popular’. Now get in this picture, pretty boy.”

Haymond began protesting as he came to stand beside you in your usual picture spot, your dad now squinting at his camera and leaning his head forwards as if he couldn’t understand how the modern phone worked. You found yourself naturally smiling, happy for the lightness in the air as your dad complained about his phone and went to look for the actual camera, Haymond stalking after him, trying to educate the poor man about technology.

Then, you heard the knock at the door and your heart stopped. If it was Eric-

You didn’t have time to think about it, seeing as your mum left the door unlocked again, as she usually did on guest days. Juyeon came bursting through the door, dressed in a suit as well and hair slicked so only a few strands fell in front of his face. You found yourself breathless, staring at him for a second before blinking back surprise. Then, you said hello and gave him a light hug, one he returned easily.

“You look great.”

You shrugged, twirling a bit in your spot and giving him a funny face. “It’s just a little something I threw together.”

This caused a laugh that ruptured through the whole house, his eyes curling into moons again and you found yourself still taken by him. It was funny how so many people could take up residence in your heart, as if the chambers of it constantly expanded to let new people stretch their legs and set up shop. Barly came through, barking at the boy for pets and hugs, which he gracefully gave as your family filtered into the living room.

“Juyeon!” Your mother was exceptionally chipper, hair tied up with silk for the moment but face still gracing a bit of makeup. She hugged the boy as well, making comments about how handsome he was before offering everyone drinks.

Your father and Haymond came back in as well and your dad seemed glad for the extra companion. “More people, more pictures. Everyone get in- yes, you too, Barly.”

There was a bark and swiftly, more people came in through the front door. Eric showed up, grinning and with a girl on his arm. You didn’t catch her name, somehow preoccupied with how awkward the hug with Eric was. He seemed scared to touch you, as if he’d cross a line. You did your best not to show the discomfort on your face as him and his girlfriend piled into the pictures, the girl very excited to finally meet you. She gave your body a tight squeeze, gushing about how she’d heard so much about you. Your dad didn’t fail to take a picture of that. You wondered how awful your face must’ve looked in it because Haymond was sniggering about it behind the camera as your dad showed him the preview.

Flustered, you decided you couldn’t take any more of this, desperately wanting to leave as all this chatter and light filled your house, Eric’s girlfriend wearing a sparkling golden dress, as if her laugh wasn’t loud and obnoxious enough. At that thought, you found yourself biting your tongue, upset at yourself. You couldn’t just let her live? She wasn’t doing anything wrong to you and she sure as hell wasn’t mistreating Eric. You could see in the way she was looking at him, stars in her eyes, that she really did care for him. You decided to pick up her name, hearing your dad call her Raven and keeping it in your heart, hoping that there would be room in it for her too.

Your feet managed to sweep you off to the backyard, where the sun was setting now, just hiding behind the sun. You wished it was darker because then maybe it wouldn’t be as embarrassing to hide the tears you held in your eyes. You didn’t want to rub under your eyes with your sleeve, not wanting to possibly stain it, so you just used the pads of your fingers, hoping to catch the tears before they left salt on your cheeks.

“Been a rough week, huh?” His voice was enough to fix you and send you off the edge of your seat all at once.

You launched forwards, burying your head in his chest and hiding it as your arms wrapped around his slender body. He had gotten skinnier while he was away.

Sunwoo’s laugh was soft and not directed at you in any way. His arms were light but secure, fixing around you as if to keep you safe- like he never wanted to let you out of them for those few moments.

“I missed you,” you said, though your words were muffled by his jacket. He repeated the sentiment, rubbing a few circles into your back before pulling away.

“But hey, stop crying, okay? It’s supposed to be a good day. Eric’s here, I’m here, Changmin’s performing. It’s gonna be great, okay?”

You nodded, finding your eyes taking in every part of your best friend before giving him another squeeze. As Sunwoo found his place beside you, daring to lead you back into the living room and through it to the front where cars waited, as did people, he began to speak.

“So, tell me what I missed what I was gone. I want to hear all the hot gossip.” His eyes shone as he spoke, something mischievous about him.

“From me?”

He shrugged. “Who else? Amalia’s a gossip but not a good storyteller. You, on the other hand…”

So, you spent the entire car ride sitting between him and Amalia, who indeed did look beautiful in her pant suit, talking his ear off. Eric was sitting in front of you, commenting as he was listening in and you were glad to see him slowly relaxing. Though, he always flicked his eyes away from yours when you held eye contact for more than a moment and you figured he still felt uncomfortable. You didn’t pay it much mind, having a healthy task of catching Sunwoo up.

Amalia and you tag teamed at times, explaining the whole Jace situation as best as you could, though neither of you had any real information about it still. Even he wouldn’t tell you what had happened, though you figured that was because Amalia really couldn’t keep a secret sometimes. Yet, Sunwoo didn’t seem too fazed by it, giving his shoulders a shrug.

“It’s good someone told that di- guy- to shut up,” Sunwoo grumbled, clearly offset. Maybe he knew more than he let on but neither you nor Amalia had time to press as you arrived at your school.

They were handing out masks at the front, really trying to keep the whole masquerade bit of the dance held up but they were all from the dollar store and very uncomfortable. Some people brought their own, which you noticed happily, glad for the few people who referenced the Phantom of The Opera. It was a whole affair, with streamers and cheap decorations strung together. Not the fanciest of dances, but nice nonetheless considering how underfunded your school was. Though, the anonymity of the students was lost. You could pick out anyone you wanted from the crowd, though the younger kids were a mystery to you. Amalia, who did he fair share of leadership events, did end up getting distracted by some sophomores who complimented her dress.

In your ear, Sunwoo murmured, “I was on T.V. and she’s still the more popular one.”

You understood it was supposed to be a joke but it still caused a bit of panic in your body. Did he want to be noticed? You supposed all aspiring idols wanted to be famous, whether it was for their skill or looks or music. Still, it made you worry. With a forced smile, you pushed forwards, looking for an empty table all of you could sit at. It wasn’t until you heard your name that you turned, finally face to face with Jace and Shankeri.

“We saved seats for us over there,” Keri grinned, grasping your hand before tugging you the complete opposite way you were walking. Her mouth chattered on, clearly loosened up by the loud atmosphere.

Jace gave you a little knowing smile, preferring not to say much nowadays. Whenever you’d seen him in class, he’d keep more to himself, only talking to a few from your friend group and even then, it was rare.

“Who dragged you out of the house today?” you asked, looking at his very mismatched clothes, hardly strung together but you figured that was Jace’s appeal. He could make the messiest of atires look natural and purposeful. He just pointed his chin at Keri, who’d found the widest table and draped different articles of clothing across the chairs to reserve them. The girl gave him back a warm smile, presenting the seats.

“See,” she crooned over the blue lights and humming music, “I even made sure to get enough for Eric.”

Hearing his name snapped you back into reality. Sunwoo had caught up with your group, greeting both Jace and Keri easily, and they showered him with compliments. Jace, who was much taller and blonder than Sunwoo, leaned back and even began to resemble the boy you knew in grade nine. Then, Hyunjoon appeared, Amalia on his arm as she waved to other people before giving Keri a running bear hug. The two hopped around, squealing about something and being impossibly sweet. It made you grin but, when you looked behind you, you couldn’t find Eric anywhere.

Excusing yourself, you found yourself searching for the boy and Raven, a girl who you were trying hard to warm up to. As you shifted through the growing crowd, the gymnasium filling quickly and the night passing slowly, you stumbled across your brother and grasped his arm.

Haymond flinched for a moment, turning his head to see who it was only to land on you and sighing a bit. “Who’d you lose?”

“I can’t find Eric anywhere,” you began to say before you thought you heard his laugh. It was so loud in here and still, you thought it was him. You flicked your eyes around the room, praying for a look at his dyed brown hair but catching nothing.

“You’ll find him, it’s not that big of a gym,” Haymond assured you, trying to move to his table but you followed him.

“But have you seen him?”

Your brother, though he’d been warming up to you, looked a bit exasperated in that moment. With another curt sigh, he pressed, “no, y/n. I’m not your friend’s babysitter.”

You raised your eyebrows at his quick tongue and let go of his arm. He must’ve seen the way a million emotions flipped past your eyes in a split second because he began to say something else but you cut him off with a snipped goodbye. The music seemed to swell as you took more steps through the gym, honestly confused at how you hadn’t come across the boy yet. It really wasn’t that big of a room and yet-

Your shoulder crashed with another person’s and you didn’t even look as you apologized, hoping to power through until you got stopped by the sound of your name. It was a sweet voice, drifting above the music and almost fitting into the melody. There was only one person who could do that, instantly grounding you and taking a bit of the edge off from the pronounced wrinkles between your brows.

Changmin’s smile was radiant, mask covering just the top of his face and fanciful as always. The glitter on its borders gave him extra luminance, as if he needed it when he shone so brightly form within. He extended his hand as if it were the nineteen twenties, bending at the waist for a moment before asking if you wanted to dance.

“I- I’m looking for my friend, we’re supposed to sit together,” you said, completely skirting around the question and probably sounding like an idiot.

The boy just straightened, lips moving a bit before he seemed to land on the words, “I’ll help you if you want.”

“I’ll owe you a dance,” you decided, hoping it came off your tongue as smoothly as you thought it would. Changmin’s smile widened as he nodded, taking his place beside you. It was quiet for a moment as your filtered through people and the current dance floor, hoping to make it to the refreshments before more people joined the floor.

By the time you got to breathable air, you’d figured out where you wanted to strike up a conversation. “When’s your performance?”

“Middle of the night,” he said softly, glancing over people that were too tall for you to see over, “so nine-ish, I think. Why?”

“Because I’m excited to see it,” you admitted easily, not very keen on hiding your admiration for him just yet. This seemed to give Changmin some courage, his shoulders straightening in the slightest as he turned his eyes back to yours.

There was some pause in his words, like he was trying to figure out what he wanted to say before saying it. Then, slowly, he began, “do you see your friend?”

You shook your head, eliciting the same response from Min. He said he couldn’t see a boy of that description, at least not here with this lighting, and you frowned. He suggested messaging Eric the table number and you secretly cursed yourself for not thinking of that first. That gave him a bit of a laugh, probably seeing the look in your eyes before questioning if you’d thought of that. When you shook your head no, he placed a hand on his stomach, laughing ridiculously.

“Stop,” you drawled, holding back giggles of your own at how little you were thinking that night. Your hand came up to swat at his chest lightly, which Min took rather well, just barely dodging you.

With a bright smile, he simply grabbed your hand and murmured, “do I get that dance now?”

A nod was all he needed, Ji sweeping you closer to the heart of the dance floor and giving you a bunch of moves you’ve never seen before. You were quite sure he didn’t know how to dance if it wasn’t choreographed but it was fun seeing him play around as he hit all the beats so casually, mask still fixed on his face but yours now resting as a headband in your hair. The song slowly drifted into a slower one, which you let the boy pull you in for. His hands were respectful but firm, leading you as you expected he would. You didn’t need to say much, or anything at all because it weirdly felt so comfortable, like you’d already befriended him in a past life.

That didn’t stop your heart from racing.

Just as you were deciding to break your bit of silence, Min stole the show with his little question. “Can you tell me about you and Juyeon?”

It was a soft request, one that needn’t be answered but you felt it was serious that he wanted to know. You met his eyes then, pulling away a bit to assess the gravity of his question. Without knowing what to say, you began to splutter. It was just a summer crush, one that you had to press down- one that confused you amongst your other emotions. They were all so strong and you felt torn to bits, grabbed every which way by different people. If there was ever a moment for panic to show on your skin, it would be then.

“It’s okay if you don’t- I just figured since- you know he talks a lot about you and I…” he stuttered and trailed off, clearly not wanting to set you off but you just shook your head, hoping to make this not an awkward moment.

Though, the more you tried to fix it, the worse it got. Both of you wanted so badly not to press too hard or be too nosy, which was difficult for two people who sure did like to talk. A string of apologizes followed each other, blush possibly forming on Min’s cheeks but you couldn’t see too well under this deep sea lighting.

Catching a breath, and a look at the clock on the wall, you patted Changmin on the chest and pointed at the clock. “It’s almost showtime.”

This sent the boy off in a hurry, a small hug being graced upon your body before he disappeared somewhere. You walked in what felt like a daze back to your table, where most of your group was waiting for food. Amalia slumped against her chair, looking unnaturally tired but she perked up seeing you.

“There you are!” Her voice was loud and grand, able to take your mind off anything for a brief moment. “We’ve been looking for you, but we found Eric.”

The only empty seat left at the table was between him and Sunwoo, who was talking easily with the boy. Just behind them, you noticed a few younger girls gawking at your friend. Pushing a little smile for Amalia, you made up an excuse of being in the washroom and took a seat, apologizing for getting between the conversation.

“You okay?” Eric asked. There was genuine concern in his eyes, though there was a tightness in his skin as he looked over your face. You didn’t know what to say. All you did know was that this night sure as hell wasn’t an escape from your everyday life.

If anything, it made it worse.

——————————

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that a lot of what I was feeling towards you - am feeling towards you- is misplaced. I’m calling it love but maybe it’s more so adoration and intense affection. You came into my life at such a tumultuous time and tried to make it better. Maybe you could see that I was struggling and was trying to help. Maybe, when you danced with me, you could feel the waves of the ocean inside me pushing against the shore angrily and wanted to calm it. You wanted the storm to pass, while fighting with your own as well. I wish I could’ve known. I wish I could’ve seen it.

——————————

Mid October, 2016

Lunch was rolling around the corner and you found it easy to slip out of class early, making up an excuse for having to help with dance preparations. Your chemistry teacher, though not necessarily the most understanding, had a migraine and waved you out of class without paying you much mind. A boy with a large smile, one you hadn’t seen before, gave you a bit of a look before you wandered out of the classroom. With a small blink, you whisked the image of him out of your head, realizing you had a lot more to worry about than someone you didn’t know. Your whole life seemed to be crashing in on you, the pressure of all those boys and what they meant to you making it hard to breathe.

There was Eric, who had kept his distance as your friend for a very long time. He never invaded, or said anything too touchy, but he did keep you in line. He knew you through and through, at least the person you used to be. Maybe that’s why it was so different seeing him now. He didn’t understand the way you grew, the friends you began to have, the way you seemed to cling to people who showed you that they loved you- especially people like Sunwoo. The boy was popular and loud and likeable and funny and totally someone you usually wouldn’t go for; and yet, seeing him now made your heart rock. You would wait to just catch a glimpse of him between classes or eagerly sit beside him at lunch. There was a hunger for closeness that seemed to grow the more he was away from you- the more you realized he wasn’t going to sit here and wait around for you forever.

Then, there happened to be Juyeon, who muddled your head even more. He was meant to be a passing crush, much like Chanhee was. Just something that you fell in and out of love with easily, grace on the tips of your wings as you dipped into and out of his pond. Yet, he seemed so consistent. He was a constant reminder of what you couldn’t have, familial responsibilities and concerns holding you back. Haymond would much rather have you date anyone in his year except for his best friend. He was off-limits, as you were to him.

Lastly, Changmin’s face fell in front of your eyes when you blinked and you found yourself so utterly perplexed. In the middle of all this turmoil was this shining light, someone so bright and happy, who could spin you around in circles and teach you dance moves without any judgement. His laugh was clear and sharp, voice loud and filling. It was like you were being pulled by all four of your limbs and weren’t giving way to any of these people, who seemed to feast on your heart rather than living in it.

As you shook the graphic image from your mind, you started to take a look at your surroundings and realized you’d been walking in the opposite direction of your locker. People began filtering out of their classes and the bell was on time as well, piercing through the growing chatter in the halls. You were close to turning on your heel but instead saw Changmin and found your feet leading you forwards once more.

“Changmin!” you called, giving him a wave. You still had your chemistry textbook locked tight against your chest, both arms wrapping around it to keep it safe. The boy, though tall enough to reach the top shelf of his locker, was standing with his foot inside his locker to give him more height. He stepped down once he saw you, eyes wide and mouth perched open as he searched for who called out to him.

Softly, his features changed into something warmer, smile hitching up the ends of his lips, cheeks bunching up against his curled eyes. It was enough to leave you breathless, the bit of sunlight he had locked inside him branching out in rays wherever his skin showed. There was never a moment where you weren’t absolutely caught by him, but sometimes you wished there was. It sure would make it easier for you to talk to him.

“Hey, y/n,” he hummed, book in hand now. He was fixing it into his bag, which was hanging by the hook of his lock for ease.

“Practice today at lunch?” You hoped it sounded natural, shoulder pressing lightly into the locker next to his.

The boy shook his head. “Hopefully going home. I’m exhausted, I need a nap.”

“Can I join?” The question was meant to be a joke, you saying it between breathy laughs, but you saw the flicker in his eyes and realized how he might’ve taken it. Widening your eyes, you tried to take back what you said and rework it but he just laughed, taking the edge off for you.

“No, trust me, I get it,” he promised, waving his hand and shaking his head in time, eyes shut for a moment. You seemed to blink with him because, the next thing you knew, his back was getting pressed into the locker beside his and his shirt was caught in bundles in someone’s fists. The slam of his body into the metal doors was enough to shock you, sound seeming to ricochet like a bullet would.

Suddenly, the chatter lowered and spectators formed. Words came spilling out of Kellen’s mouth, his skin no longer bruised around his eyes. You supposed the lack of injury gave him enough courage to strike again, this time with slurs dripping from his tongue. It was the first time you’d seen something like this happen, though you’d heard of it all the time. You always said you wouldn’t stand for it. You’d step in, try to help, but your feet were stuck to the ground. There was an impeccable amount of fear in your body and it grounded you for long enough to hear him use the word gay as if it was the most disgusting thing he’d ever say in his life.

It caused a rift in your heart, most of you not completely understanding what the problem was, though you could reason it out. It was a word you heard whispered over dinners or used in reference to an older cousin you had living out in South Africa but nothing more elaborate than that. Maybe your ears weren’t trained for the intricacies of life, your brain hardly in the know about the more scandalous, dreadful things that happened around school. It was in that moment you realized you were entirely sheltered, kept from things you knew would hurt you as much as Changmin’s scrunched up face- one made of pain and anxiety- did in that moment. The worst part was that you didn’t know what to do.

One more slur was enough for you to blink back the sadness in your eyes and turn it into anger. Something in your body stirred, flinging your body forwards until you found your hands ripping at Kellen’s, voice yelling to get off him. You’d never been this mad before, never found it in your body to be violent. It was completely out of left wing but you supposed this whole situation was. It was new to you and slowly, it created someone new out of you.

“Y/n!”

Your brother’s voice was the first thing you heard, head switching back to look at him. That was when you felt the elbow in your chest, shoving you backwards into the few people on standby, away from Changmin. Your brother was the first to catch you, arm slinking around yours and body pressed up against your back. His eyes were on yours, concerned but then angered in a minute. Maybe it was a family trait.

Still, the brother you expected you had disintegrated and he was immediately trying to tug you the opposite way. Under his breath, he mumbled, “come on, y/n, I want to make sure you’re okay.”

You pushed away from his hold, staring at him with some sort of disdain. In that moment, it seemed so hard to push words from your mouth but you were mad. And sad. And torn to pieces. It wasn’t happening to you and yet, you were feeling the bruises form on your shoulders with every push Changmin got. You were feeling the tears drip from your eyes as words got catapulted at his face and nobody tried to stop. Nobody tried to help. People just saw it, feared the situation, and walked on by with their heads down.

“What the hell’s your problem, Kellen?”

Jace’s question rang loud enough for you to turn from your brother back to the situation. He seemed to attract a bigger crowd. He was a larger boy than Changmin, with a reputation that preceded him. Everyone knew about Jace but nobody really knew him. Not even you. His eyes flickered to you for a moment before he looked back at the thick fingers that pressed Changmin against a locker. The dancer’s eyes were vulnerable but knowing. It set you off.

Kellen looked confused, grip loosening for a moment. A breath was taken. “J- Jace, why are you d-”

“You know, maybe if you read a book, you’d stop being such an asshole. Men sleep with men sometimes and sometimes they don’t but it’s not your fucking business.” The words sounded strained and, when you looked at Jace, his teeth were gritted. The muscles in his cheeks were sharp.

Kellen had seen that look before, you bet. You realized that was the only reason he was backing down. His pride had been stung once before and, though he was mean, he wasn’t dumb. He knew Jace was better than him and you supposed that’s why his tongue was more wicked.

“Is he your little boyfriend, Jace? Don’t pretend I didn’t see you and him at the party- why don’t you tell people why you really be-”

A blow was enough to make you stagger back, Jace suddenly letting out a yell that was enough to rip your soul open. Kellen was knocked to the floor, the blonder boy now on top of him with anger building up in a way you didn’t understand. Despite all of it, you made a run for Changmin, pulling him closer to you as teachers came running down the hall. It was chaos, a cacophony of yells and screams, desperate attempts to get the two boys to pull apart as people watched. People filmed and Changmin tried to hide his fear in your shoulders.

——————————

A lot of my letters are happy and I want them to be. I want every crush and every experience to be a good one but sometimes, they’re not. More often than not, they’re upsetting. They crush me and make me feel bad but, in some ways, I can find consolation. It all happens for a reason, I could say to myself, but this isn’t something I can get over. It’s been days and weeks since the incident but I just can’t get it out of my head. I can’t understand it. I don’t want to even understand something so painful for you.

After that, I remembered you telling me that it happens all the time and it’s no big deal. You told me not to worry and cupped my cheek with your hand, though there was a bit of a mark on your chin and scratches on your chest. I’m sorry for not being there for you, for not understanding. I’m sorry for distancing myself after this, even though you told me that maybe it was better for us to hang out less. I’m sorry that I’m making this about me.

Changmin, I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’ll never know what to say.

Love, y/n y/l/n. On November 27th, 2016.

——————————

The casual reminder of his high school life gave Changmin a bitter taste in his mouth. He tried hard to reconcile with it too, to understand, to not be upset about what people had called him or felt about him but it was hard. It was hard not to be angry, just like Jace was. His hands shook lightly as he folded the paper away. In some ways, it was too real. In other ways, it was completely fantasy, a life he entered without knowing why. You were a story he had no idea he’d dipped his toe into and now, there he was, a bright light, as you called him.

A part of him was undeniably happy. He enjoyed being that person, someone who consoled and helped and eased pain. He only ever wanted to make people smile. Well, that and dance, the latter of which had become his life part high school. It saved him. With a small frown, he found himself wondering if you had been saved by something too.

“Changmin!”

The sound of his name ripped him from his thoughts, the tall boy standing up on his steps and waving. He must’ve been waiting. Hurrying up his steps, Min jogged forwards, meaning to talk to Jae about some of this. Maybe he’d gotten something similar too and would be able to understand. If anything, he lived beside you and maybe there’d be some explanation. Some insight into your mind.

After a quick embrace though, Min seemed to forget all about it. His mind was troubled but, for a moment, he was so caught up in his friend. He missed him, the boy with the sad eyes and a loud laugh to cover it up. His parents probably didn’t come to pick him up from the station but there was something else bothering him, Min could tell. He was a bit touchy and there was a small burn on his wrist.

“Hey, you okay?” Min found himself asking, grasping the boy’s hand and turning it to see the red skin there. Jaehyun quickly retracted his hand, nodding and rubbing just above it.

“Yeah, I just wasn’t paying attention, I guess.” The eyebrows on his face came forwards, eyes downcast as he stared at his own injury. There was a beat of silence before both of them seemed to perk up at the sound of tires pulling into the driveway and a laugh- your laugh- floating through the air.

Jaehyun exchanged a look with Min for a second, almost disregarding it before getting serious. “Did you get one too?”

Changmin was shocked enough to be rendered speechless for a second before blurting out a quick, “a letter, yes.”

“Oh, fuck,” Jaehyun exhaled, sitting down on his steps, “do you think maybe-?”

“Juyeon,” Changmin finished, glancing towards the house only to see the door open and your older brother step out, Juyeon trailing behind them.

“Haymond, stop!” Juyeon’s voice was loud enough to carry through the lazy neighbourhood seats. Changmin nearly took steps forward but his friend was enough to stop him, hand grasping his calve.

“Wait, Min. We all have questions. It’s better if we just wait.”

Changmin watched you disappear inside the house, Hyunjoon catching his eye. The boy gave an awkward wave before ducking inside as well. Min slumped, finding a seat beside his friend.

“What did y/n say in yours?”

Jaehyun simply handed him the papers, crumpled from his back pocket but there nonetheless. Changmin exchanged his as well. Maybe, slowly, he could put some pieces together starting from Jaehyun.

170 notes · View notes

beeblackburn · 4 years ago

Text

Pretender Reads A Little Hatred, Part I, Chapter Three

Guilt really is a luxury for the living, isn’t it. Goes without saying spoilers ahead for the entirety of The First Law works beyond the keep reading. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Title: Guilt Is a Luxury Point-of-View: Rikke

The snow had all melted and left the world cold and comfortless. The icy slop that stood for ground seeped into Rikke’s boots and spattered up her sodden trousers. Cold dew dripped endlessly from the black branches, through her sopping hair, onto her soggy cloak and down her chafed back. The wet from above met the wet from below around her belt, which she’d been obliged to tighten on account of having hardly eaten anything in the three days since she killed a boy and watched her home burn.

At least it couldn’t get any worse. Or so she told herself.

In short, it’s really goddamn cold. As an opening, it serves as a microcosm of the lack of small comforts that Rikke’s endured since watching Uffrith burn, a relentless litany of the miserable chill upon her person, but as a contrast to the Original Trilogy, it’s a difference in prose craft and characterization between our two Northern voices, from Logen’s more stripped-down viewpoint to Rikke’s longer ruminations on the comfortless environment. Just compare here:

The sky was a brilliant blue, the sun was blazing overhead. He turned his face towards it, closed his stinging eyes and let the light wash over him. The air was painful cold in his throat. Cutting cold. His mouth was dry as dust, his tongue a piece of wood, badly carved. He scooped up snow and shoved it into his mouth. It melted, he swallowed. Cold, it made his head hurt.

Whereas Abercrombie went for a more bare-bones description of how cold it is, note the repetition of cold and how the descriptions don’t quite connect as neatly here, Rikke’s descriptions have a greater sense of continuity, going more directional as she notes the dew above dripping down her hair, soaking through her cloak, then her back, then from above to down below. There’s a sense of seamless rhythm here that Abercrombie’s earlier word craft doesn’t quite have, in terms of being refined by the later books. I definitely think Logen’s more bare-bones voice in reaction to his condition is intentional, but I also think the comparison shows concretely how much he’s improved since then.

And, character-wise, you can see the difference between the two: Logen acknowledges that things can always get worse. He’s a survivor, a hardened man who’s been through tougher and been through far blacker conditions than the cold. Rikke, though? She’s not there yet. An inexperienced naif who thinks it can’t get worse, even though past books in the Circle of the World make a point that things can always get worse, and the difference between the winners and the losers being how clear-eyed you are about taking reality as it is.

One can argue that makes Rikke less compelling compared to the savage experience Logen had, but she’s still learning, and everyone in this world learns about how this world works in full.

“Aye, and his uncle Scale Ironhand’s, and his father Black Calder’s. The thorns may scratch your downy-soft skin, but a lot shallower than their swords would.”

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! CALLED IT!!!

CAN’T WAIT TO MEET STOUR!

On a more serious note, yeah, this makes sense on how Stour’s taking back Angland plan would have the traction it got. If Black Calder wasn’t involved, he’d plot to assassinate Stour Nightfall in a heartbeat. That being said, I wonder what made him decide to cut Bayaz’s strings now? Did he meet with King Casamir Shenkt already? If not, then Calder’s playing a hugely dangerous game, given Bayaz’s history with the North and their talk in The Heroes.

I hope you can slither your way out of Bayaz’s wrath, Calder.

“It’s almost like an unfriendly army swarming over your land is an inconvenience in all kinds o’ ways. You’re used to reckoning the world your playground. Beset by dangers now, girl. Time to act like it.” Isern slipped on through the thicket as quick and silent as a snake, leaving Rikke to struggle after, pointlessly cursing.

She liked to think of herself as quite the rugged outdoorswoman, but in this company she was a towny oaf. Isern-i-Phail knew all the ways, that was the rumour. Even better’n her daddy had. Rikke had learned more from watching her the last couple of weeks than she had from that fool Union tutor in Ostenhorm in a year. How to build a shelter from ferns. How to set rabbit traps, even if they hadn’t worked. How to reckon your course from the way the moss grew on the tree trunks. How to tell a man from an animal in the forest just by their footfalls.

Aw, Rikke calling the Dogman daddy instead of da’ or father’s a cute detail.

This chapter really digs into how lacking Rikke’s been in real experience, giving this picture of a coddled Northern girl. And, on the one hand, that’s honestly kind of sweet: Dogman getting out of a life of relentless violence to try and give his girl the peaceful sort of upbringing he didn’t get to have, drenched in blood and the violence that comes with being the following dog to the Bloody-Nine.

But, at the same time, life in the Circle of the World is pretty pitiless to those with illusions. As someone who’s lived through the old trilogy, but isn’t in a familial capacity like the Dogman, Isern is an old hand at how this world works, and she’s giving Rikke a crash course on how to survive it.

Union tutor, eh? I wonder if that better life for the Dogman’s daughter also included giving her an education. Though, Rikke certainly isn’t appreciating it now.

Some folk said Isern was a witch, and no doubt she’d a witchy look and a witch’s temper, but even she couldn’t magic food out of rocks and bogwater at the arse-end of winter. Sadly.

Snrrrk. I’m noticing a patterns with how much Abercrombie shades magic and magicians from other series in Rikke’s chapters. Which, you know, makes sense, given how much the Long Eye pervaded her first chapter, and I imagine that not stopping in later ones. Magic isn’t a cheat code in this world, no substitute for lived experience and knowing how to survive.

Rikke knew what folk said about her, and maybe her head didn’t have the right parts in the right places, but she’d always had a sharp eye for things. So in spite of the gloom and Isern’s nimble fingers, Rikke saw the hillwoman only ate half as much as she handed over. She saw it, and was thankful for it, and wished she had the bones to insist on fair shares, but she was just so damn hungry. She stuffed her shred of dry meat down so quickly she swallowed her chagga pellet too without even noticing.

1. That first bit makes me think of a growing thought about how Rikke could be read as neurodivergent, given the whispers and the consideration that her brain isn’t wired “right.” In some ways, I’m not entirely sure how to feel about this, considering the magic = disability trope is a thing, but I think Abercrombie’s earned enough credit in the bank, and the writing with her mundane difficulties with the Long Eye makes me feel that Rikke isn’t really written as a figure of pity as some poorly-written disability-coded characters can be, so much as someone who has to deal with the inconveniences of a mental condition, but is still their own person beyond that. 2. Awww, Isern! That’s really nice of you. Though, I will admit, what’s Isern’s skin in this game? She says it’s the Long Eye, but why not just knock Rikke out and give her to Stour’s men? Would be the selfish thing. Would be the easy thing. 3. Rikke really isn’t a bad person at heart, but, when the practicalities of hunger push us, we find it easier to lean on our self-interest to make our choices. Selfless choices are rare in this world and a good way to determine the choices of characters in this world is “how does this benefit me?” Not always, but you’ll rarely be disappointed.

While she licked the wondrous taste of stale bread from her teeth, she found she was thinking of that lad she shot. That bit of dyed cloth around his scrawny neck, like mothers give sons to keep the cold off. That hurt, confused look he’d had. The same look she used to have, maybe, when the other children laughed at her twitching.

Man, Rikke really is a soft person and it’s such a tonal contrast from Logen’s “welp, I didn’t really have a choice, best not think on those I killed” attitude towards killing. The difference between lived experience is a chasm between them. An evil older man in a harsh world, and a decent younger woman in it.

Also, I know a friend similar to Rikke, who’s got a mental condition. It inconveniences her more often than not, and she’s not particularly happy about it, but, at the same time, she was born with it and she appreciates all the people in her life that don’t define her by her disability.

And when I read that last part, my heart hurts for Rikke. And my mouth tells those children to fuck off.

“I killed that lad.” And she sniffed up a noseful of cold snot and spat it away.

“Aye.” Isern trimmed off a chagga pellet and stuck it behind her lip. “You killed him all to bits, and robbed everyone who knew him, and cut all the good he might ever do out of the world.”

Rikke blinked. “Well, you’re the one split his skull!”

“That was a mercy. He’d have drowned on your arrow for sure.”

Oh, Rikke. I get the defensiveness, I do, but Isern’s right in that you effectively killed him first, so don’t deflect the blame there. Sure, it might’ve been an accident, but sometimes, intentions don’t mean anything to the reality of actions. Just ask Khalul.

“Deserving won’t make much difference to an arrow. The best defence against arrows is not a life nobly lived but to be the one who shoots them, d’you see?” Isern sat back against her, smelling of sweat and earth and chewed chagga. “They were your father’s enemies. Our enemies. Wasn’t as if there was any other choice.”

The difference between the killer and the killed, the hunter and the hunted, the living and the dead in this world.

Rikke hunched into her cold cloak and her bleak mood. “No justice, is there? For him or for me. Just a world that looks the other way and doesn’t care a shit about either one of us.”

This chapter is basically The First Law 101, one of the fundamental truths of the Circle of the World: the world is full of shit, and the people living in it just have to make the best of it through the eyes of a naif who wishes she didn’t have to kill to preserve herself. Someone like Logen would’ve given up on the idea of existential justice or wishing things were better, he’s long past that point.

Rikke still wishes for that, and it’s a heavy feeling borne from her youth.

She felt Isern’s hand firm on her shoulder, and was grateful for it. “If killing folk ever starts to feel right, you’ve a worse kind of problem. Guilt can sting, but you should be thankful for it.”

“Thankful?”

“Guilt is a luxury reserved for those still breathing and with no unbearable pain, cold or hunger demanding all their fickle attention. Long as guilt’s your big problem, girl …” Rikke saw the faint gleam of Isern’s teeth in the gathering darkness. “Things can’t be that bad.”

In short, “I am still alive.” When you’re alive, you can feel all these emotions, you have the luxury of guilt. Because once you go through the Last Door, meet the Great Leveller, guilt’s your last worry. So, at the very least, be grateful to be alive. Because there are some who don’t get to be grateful, especially the corpses you made to keep yourself breathing.

She slapped Rikke’s thigh and gave a witchy cackle, and maybe there was some magic in it after all because Rikke cracked her first smile in a day or two, and that made her feel just a bit better. Your best shield is a smile, her father always said.

Awww! This is so much more emotionally warm than Logen’s first few chapters, trying to survive in the bitter cold. And I love how, after a dig against fantasy’s penchant for easy magic, Abercrombie flips it, giving a sort of magic to just these mundane gestures. Abercrombie’s gotten more optimistic as the series went on, and I just smile at how much it’s carried over to the official start of the new trilogy. There’s a sweetness to this I adore after the first trilogy’s more cynical touch.

“Why haven’t you just left me behind?” she asked.

“I gave my word to your da.”

“Aye, but everyone says you’re the most untrustworthy bitch in the whole North.”

“No one should know better than you what the things everyone says are worth. Truth is, I only care about keeping my word to folk I like. I seem untrustworthy because there are only seven of those outside the hills.” She made a fist of her tattooed hand, trembling tight. “To those seven, I am a rock.”

Rikke swallowed. “You like me, then?”

“Meh.” Isern opened her blue fist and shook out the fingers with a clicking of knuckles. “About you, I remain to be convinced, but I like your father and I gave him my word. That I’d try to put an end to your fits and coax your Long Eye open and bring you back to him still breathing. The small matter of an invasion may have nudged him out of Uffrith, but the commitment still stands, far as I’m concerned, wherever Stour Nightfall’s bastards might’ve driven him off to.” Her eyes flickered to Rikke, cunning as a fox that sees the coop unguarded. “But I’ll admit I’ve a selfish reason, too, which is a good thing for you, since selfish reasons are the only reasons you should trust.”

“What reason?”

Isern opened her eyes very wide so they bulged from her filthy face. “Because I know there’s a better North waiting. A North free of the grip of Scale Ironhand, and the one who pulls his strings, Black Calder, and the one who pulls his strings even. A North free for everyone to choose their own way.” Isern leaned close in the darkness. “And your Long Eye will pick out our path to it.”

Hah! Setting up the joke, only to deliver that “Meh” punchline. Perfect.

Well! That explains why Isern hasn’t abandoned Rikke yet. Though, frankly, that’s pretty non-selfish as far as motives go, Isern. You’re a nicer person than you give yourself credit for. Few of the characters in the first trilogy gave a shit about their countries in terms of better. I think only Jezal did, by the end, and... well. We all know that sad story in the end.

Though, whoa, does Isern know about Bayaz? Or is she just smart enough to realize Calder’s got strings around him, just like everyone else? Intriguing...

And I have to laugh a little about this ending. Isern’s sentiment’s in earnest, don’t get me wrong, but at the same, this feels like the typical “protagonist with magical gifts is set-up for a huge destiny” and... well, we all know Abercrombie doesn’t entirely roll that way. His character and genre deconstruction work is way too notable for him to play that sort of trope entirely straight and I relish that expectation coming true.

In short, this chapter is definitely a bit more light-weight than the others I’ve read, but it definitely serves a crucial purpose: The First Law 101, the Lesson. Imparting to a new reader, unfamiliar with this world, that this is how the Circle of the World works, but also, for old readers, pointing out that we’re getting different blood fore-running our stories, a huge difference from Logen’s world-weary mindset.

And, I got to say, it’s a lovely contrast so far! It only makes me like Rikke all the more, as she wrestles with her guilt and the reality that the world doesn’t care for her guilt. Her first steps in being a survivor. And Isern really helps bring out the naivete in her, but there’s also a splash of character, both wild and warm, in her that makes it a more winning combination than the first trilogy’s Logen-Quai roadtrip duo.

PART I

Chapter One: Blessings and Curses Chapter Two: Where the Fight’s Hottest Chapter Three: Guilt Is a Luxury Chapter Four: Keeping Score Chapter Five: A Little Public Hanging Chapter Six: The Breakers Chapter Seven: The Answer to Your Tears Chapter Eight: Young Heroes Chapter Nine: The Moment

#a little hatred #a little hatred spoilers #the age of madness #the first law #joe abercrombie #rikke #a little hatred part I

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migleefulmoments · 5 years ago

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"Hahaha. A friend pointed this out. W online shops too!" What does this even mean?! I don't know anyone in 2020 who doesn't online shop besides my 80 year old grandparents because they refuse to learn how to use a computer 😂 I don't get how Will, a 30 something year old man, online shopping is worthy enough for Abby to comment on it. I'm sure Chris does it too. And Darren.

On Nov 5, Darren wrote this post and the cc fandom lost their shit.

They decided that organizing 10 costumes for multiple events in two different states for two different people was not worthy of acknowledgment- especially since they wore several purchased costumes. They spent the next 30-ish days mocking her “online shopping skills” like the petty idiots they are and now they bring it up two months later.

Anonymous asked: this is funny, C posted a photo of beard, D posted photos with the beard. Almost like they were sitting next to each other and saying “ok ok I will say this”

ajw720 answered: The only difference, C controls his SM and the bearding, D does not, but they knew the Halloween post was coming when C posted his belated b-day wishes (not that he acknowledged they were late).

It really is, if you can remove the very human, tragic element, like a script for a really bad D Movie. C posts “Happy Birthday, Babe!” a day after the man’s actual b-day and “D” praises his fake bride for MAKING TEN costumes. Sure praise her if she actually designed them and sat with her sewing machine. No, she went online and ordered things (I doubt she even went to a store). And 3 couple costumes were cheap frankly. The only thought was how narcissistic she could be in their execution (as @flowersintheattic254pointed out even the Mario costume had a reason, it was a reminder of Japan and the fake encagement by referring to the ad that paid for their trip there).

And seriously how are people not questioning that she spent the entirety of her month picking TEN costumes? Who has time for this? I know, i know, a person whose only role in life is to play fake plus one.

I am just so tired by D in particular being utterly dragged down by the useless dead weight by his side and his team’s sole ambition to promote her and make her sound like a decent person.

If they wanted to praise her, maybe they should have forced her to participate in the zero waste initiative instead of sitting drinking by the pool or have her volunteer to help young girls who have been kicked out of their homes, or have been raped. Or pick any cause and truly volunteer her time to promote it. If she is not going to actually get a job and pursue a career, please force her to do something that is actually of value and contribute something good to the world. But to praise her for picking TEN costumes?

Praise that comes from a man who this year alone won three awards, is starring in a show he created and wrote the music for, has his first big movie premiere this week, is exec producer and star of a huge show on N/etflix, just announced his starring role with 2 A++ lists actors next spring on Broadway, celebrated the 5th anniversary of the festival he created, volunteered his time for the zero waste initiative, performed at several charity events, and was just yesterday name limited series actor of the decade. Where is the praise for him from his “bride”? He at least deserves it.

How do they not see how ridiculous it is for someone with D’s accomplishments in 2019 alone praise a person for purchasing TEN costumes for Halloween? And stans, how do you accept that this is right or normal. You really know nothing about him and have such little respect for him as a person if you continue to accept the character his idiotic team has created on his behalf. It is so far from the person he is and that he generally holds himself out to be when given the opportunity.

This isn’t about being a “gay fetishist” or “hating woman” this is about wanting for D to be fairly and accurately represented and no longer forced to participate in this stupid, life sucking game to promote a person that contributes absolutely nothing to the world. If you want to have a strong female role model, there are so many, i’ve talked about a few in the past few days (thus far Nancy, Lea, and Phoebe) and will continue to do so, but please stop worshiping a person whose sole reason you are speaking about her is her connection to D, even if you refuse to accept it is fake.

klainecentric Finished reading the funniest ig story of the day, the qween being praised for sitting in front of either a sewing machine or computer...bravo your majesty qween....your my hero well done.👏👏. And all I can think of is how irrelevant the statement D made about being an emotional horder, being a very private person and finally D saying he's lazy when it comes to social media, I'm internally screaming in frustration because yeah we know D wouldn't have written a post praising that lazy good for nothing waste of space but he's coming across as a lier and it's extremely damaging to his character as a person. I absolutely hate lying and every time another "private" moment is posted to the world is another small piece that's chipped away from what D has originally stated about privacy. PBB, nobody cares about your cheap arse highly flammable costumes you buy online, did you forget about your piano baby adult strip club. I'm sure there are still plenty of people out there you can hire to rub and flaunt their flanges all over the beer taps, why don't you keep busy on that instead. If you want to make costumes, I'm sure you can sew some mighty fine titty tassels together. It'll be cheap nasty, sound familiar.

souly So, let me get this straight. We should all praise a person for going online, looking up different costumes in online stores, putting those in their shopping basket and hitting “buy”? Because I do that at least once a week with other stuff. Do I get praised for that now? Pretty please? I’m doing good work there and buy a lot of stuff, therefore I must be the best person ever!

notes-from-nowhere You’re my Queen. Please, love me.

souly

(I think I got it right. I’m getting the hang of what said person is doing. Wheee! ;))

notes-from-nowhere You nailed it 🤣

ajw720 Yesterday I got a delivery of car food. And instead of his usual seafood mix up greats, I got him shrimp flavor. I’m awesome!!!!!

souly Oh, hey! I think we should all take pictures of whatever we bought online during the week or month and make individual posts on all of our social media accounts about it. Because, you know…

cassie1022 I picked up stuff I ordered online at Target and PetSmart. Does that count? Should I receive accolades because my cat will have fresh litter to do her business on?

souly Only if you post the pictures to prove it! ;)

ajw720 As soon as I get home. Pictures forthcoming. Shrimp cat treats and I also got a burgundy blanket for my new comforter!!! Life goals!!!!!!!!!!!

souly Okay, so, let’s see… What did I buy online during the past month that can be shared as pictures? Some things are gifts, so I obviously can’t post anything about those yet. But I think these here are safe.

Let’s start with one of my fav new shirts. (Excuse the grainy quality. I had to quickly edit it for privacy reasons. :p And yes, that’s a butterfly mirror.)

The rest are behind the cut to save your dash from drowning in too many pictures. ;)

cheekyface72 You’re my queen from now on…

ajw720 I think emmy/sag/gg/CC winner DC should write a post @soulypraising your awesome, amazing, unparalleled online shopping skills! You earned that praise. That cat toy is particularly spectacular.

*********************

Just A Taste of M’s Amazing Online Shopping Skills that are worthy of such Praise

ajw720

Super Mario with inflatable Dragon $54.66 (x)

Princess Peach $78.99 (x)

chrisdarebashfulsmiles. i can’t

flowersintheattic254. When you add the fact that the wedding was sponsored so heavily, and her history of outfits I think it shows Mi@rren is something that’s always been done very much ‘on the cheap’.

From work vacays (honeymoon included), RC ‘glue gun’ looks, thrift shoes and subsidized weddings.

It’s BUDGET BEARDING!!!

leka-1998. It’s not worth more than this, that’s for sure.

notes-from-nowhere We are so ungrateful. She worked hard to find the gloves.

I bet she had to click on another link to find them. She deserves another accolade.

ajw720 @flowersintheattic254 Budget Bearding! I LOVE It! (and something tells me D’s SW costume in particular was far cheaper than either of these).

souly That Snow White dress can be found for about $25 in a ton of online shops. I stumbled upon it even before Halloween way too many times. 😂

@notes-from-nowhere The plush question mark block can be found in a couple online stores like this one. She simply glued it onto some gloves - or asked L to do it with that glue gun of hers.

flowersintheattic254 Well funnily enough I think we may have confirmation that 🚽🚽 glued on the puppies so I guess YES to the question mark block too!!!

cassie1022 They can’t even glue things properly. Why am I not surprised?

leka-1998

So, so amazing. Bow to the kween and her not so helpful helper.

************************************

There are lots more...I figured enough of your brain cells died reading the ones I posted. On Nov 30 she is STiLL bringing it up”

Anonymous asked:

Whenever I see miarren gifset they always use the same quote underneath (the rolling the windows down quote) and at first I rolled my eyes and thought uh not that quote again, and I can't believe it took me this long to realise it's because there is literally no other quote that can be construed as loving. You can hardly put down "she's a big girl" whenever you make a set of gifs with M beaming and D looking like someone murdered the dog he's allergic to.

ajw720: And I love the Emmy quote as it was an absolute reference to his character who was a psychopath. Pretty telling if you ask me. But that reference is over their heads.

And pretty much the only one. Guess saying he’s a ball and chain kind of guy isn’t romantic. They can’t even take pooping exes as he clearly steered the conversation away from her. Lovely lady of many moons? Nah she sounds like a stranger. Saying nothing changes after marriage? Sounds boring. It’s a struggle. But hey she’s an excellent online shopper that he done got hitched to!!!

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harry-lloyd · 5 years ago

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While Season 3 was still shooting, Collider got the opportunity to tour the incredible sets at Paramount Pictures in Hollywood and participate in a series of interviews to talk about all things Legion. Here are the highlights from what actor Harry Lloyd, who’s playing iconic X-Men character Charles Xavier, aka Professor X, said during a group interview on set where he talked about not fully realizing who he would be playing when he was offered the role, what it’s like to take on such a well-known comics character, the homework that he did, how this version is different from what we’ve seen previously, how Charles reacts to meeting his adult son, time travel, the Shadow King, what’s still to come in Episodes 307 and 308, and whether we might see him in the famous wheelchair.

Question: How does it feel to play Professor X?

HARRY LLOYD: It’s great. So, I got this call in December saying, “You’ve been offered a part in Legion.” And I was like, “Amazing!” And the breakdown was, “His name is Charles. He’s a war veteran, but believes in the good of humanity.” And I was like, “Sounds interesting.” I didn’t realize. And then, they said, “You’ve gotta Skype with Noah [Hawley] on Monday.” So I spent the weekend watching the first season of Legion, and realized, which I hadn’t done before because I hadn’t seen it, that the X in the title was the big link back to the Marvel Universe. So then, I was talking Noah that Monday and asking him questions, and he was told me about Episode 3, and then about Episodes 7 and 8. He was chatting and saying, “Of course, Charles does this. Charles Xavier . . .” And I was like, “Wait, what?! Oh!” I pretended that I knew, but I hadn’t pieced it together. But then, obviously, that made it even more exciting. I’m not really in the business of being offered parts, out of the blue, so it’s been a wonderful adventure. And then, I had to sort out moving to L.A. for three months. Luckily, my wife and dog and baby all followed me, and it’s been great. It’s such a fun show to work on. Even just doing a few episodes, there’s a crazy creative crew who are always doing really interesting stuff in the camera. They’ll say to you, “This is how it’s written, but we’re gonna do something a bit different.” It’s just really collaborative and playful, and it’s a really close knit, little family. It’s been absolutely brilliant.

Did you look at any previous performances?

LLOYD: I did my homework. I watched all of Legion, I watched all of the X-Men films, and I’d seen a couple of them, back in the day, and I went to this great comic store, called Mega City Comics in Camden, in London, and I found a really good geek there who found me a lot of different source material. One of my favorite things about Legion is that, having watched the X-Men films, and seeing [James] McAvoy and [Patrick] Stewart in these live-action portrayals of him, and the comics, and the different things that they had in common, but then you look at Legion and it gives you permission to throw that all away, to a certain extent. I’m glad that I saw it, so that I knew what I was getting into. It’s such an irreverent, ridiculous, surreal show, that I didn’t feel that I had to do the straight-laced Charles that we know. The story that we’re telling doesn’t really allow for him to always be in control and very pope-like. He’s a young man, and he’s been thrown into his own story before he’s ready because of what’s happening in the future with David. He’s actually quite lost for most of it. So, to play someone who’s normally quite grounded, thoughtful and deliberate in his actions, and to see him before he gets there, as a young man who’s confused and doubtful and exploring his own powers, and it’s his first time ever on the astral plane, that’s been really fun.

How is your version of the character different from the past live-action versions?

LLOYD: We started off doing Episode 3, which is entirely in flashback, and that’s the story of how Charles came out of the war and ends up in this sanatorium, or mental institution, and falls in love with Gabrielle. The way he uses his powers, at that point, is to get into the heads of men with PTSD and help them, but he hasn’t really unleashed them, or thought of them, in terms of doing a wider good. He’s still keeping a lid on it, and keeping it very secret and private, and living in hiding himself. And then, he goes and moves to suburbia and has this child, and he stats this new life with this woman. He makes this prototype of a cerebral type contraption. That’s when he sees Farouk, for the first time, in his basement. It’s this man in Morocco, who has the same power as him, and then, this big change happens. When he realizes that he’s not alone, he becomes very serious and quite fraught, and actually abandons his wife and child. He’s quite perturbed by it, but he also cannot avoid it. I felt that he realized that he’d been in denial, for a long time, about what he had, and he has to explore this. Charles, suddenly, is now in the realm of someone else with seemingly even greater powers than he. He’s constantly waking up in a different place, and he feels like he’s in a dream. You realize, watching Dan Stevens’ performance, from the first two seasons, there are so many times when he seems to be reacting to something that’s not there, and it’s very staccato and confused, and it’s almost like he’s in a dream. I found this Charles, who was quite composed in Episode 3, suddenly becoming more like his son, in terms of how he’s reacting to baffling situations.

Since he hasn’t met other mutants yet, how does he react to meeting his adult son?

LLOYD: Before I read the script, I was thinking, “How’s that scene gonna go?” I, myself, have a baby daughter who’s about the same age as baby David is to Charles, and I was imagining that, if I met her when she’s in her 30s, my first reaction would be, “I’m so glad you’re okay. This is great. I’m so excited. I have so much to ask.” But then, very quickly, Charles learns about the reality of the life his son has had, ever since he was given up for adoption, and the miserable life that he’s had, in mental institutions and causing death and dealing with his powers. We haven’t really started filming the aftermath stuff yet, which we’re doing in the next few days, but after then, he’s just massively guilty. It’s very emotional for him, and he’s still just dealing with the joy of having a baby. He doesn’t actually know yet how to be a father, or to take responsibility for his son. For Episode 7, his journey is to take responsibility for this mistake that he made. Trying to save him actually exposed him to this danger, so he wants to help him, and then going into the final episode, they’re now a team.

So, time travel is not a problem for Charles Xavier?

LLOYD: Time travel is not a problem for Switch, piggybacked by David. So much happens that, suddenly he’s in Morocco, and Charles is a smart guy. We don’t have to telegraph it, but when he’s out of his depth, he’ll also be using his own powers. When he’s looking at someone who he doesn’t understand, he’ll also be reading their mind, so he’s not gonna be quite as lost as someone else. And I feel that he’s someone who after awhile goes, “Maybe I am in a dream, but I’m gonna go with it.” He’s just very perceptive and very thoughtful, and he’s watching. Sometimes things still come out of nowhere, but as you get into the episodes, he embraces the weirdness. And then, when this man turns up, he doesn’t just say, “I’m your son.” He says, “Open your mind.” So, he knows it’s his son. It’s not that he doesn’t believe him because he sees inside. And then, he’s introduced to the astral plane. He’s introduced to so many different facets of the series, quite quickly. It would be too much for some people, but I feel that Charles just about can handle it.

Who was Amahl Farouk, before he was the Shadow King?

LLOYD: From what I can see, based on the Farouk I’ve seen in the last seasons, and the Amahl that I’ve met in Episode 3, the one simple difference is that Amahl is excited and naughty and playful and mischievous, whereas Farouk is more cynical.

Does this show make you think more about the effect of a parent’s actions on a child’s life?

LLOYD: Yeah, I think so. When you get to the end Episode 7 and into Episode 8, you’ll really see how that feels, in these scenes that I do with David, in a room that’s in his own mind. He creates a safe place so that we can actually talk and catch up, and that’s when I learn this barrage of information that’s air-dropped into my brain. I think about any parent taking responsibility for aspects of your child that you don’t want to. You can’t disassociate yourself, as you would with anyone else, and be like, “Well, I didn’t do that.” For Charles, parenthood is accepting the whole package.

What do you think is the most important aspect of having Charles in this part of David’s story?

LLOYD: I think because this is the third and final season, you can’t really wrap it up without at least talking about him. It’s great that you actually get to explore him, and it’s great that you have an episode almost without David, setting him up, in time for this finale. One of my favorite scenes, in Season 1 of Legion, was that scene when he finds himself in a blackboard room, in that university classroom, and he’s piecing it together, through all of the madness. He knows that he must’ve had a father, and he pieces it together. I didn’t know much about it originally, but when I saw that scene, I was like, “Okay, so when are we going to meet him?” It became a big question. Through all of the wackiness and weirdness, that’s something that kept you going. You do want to go back to the beginning and find out when the Shadow King entered his mind. Season 1 played with getting Farouk out, and how slippery is. So, it was very clever to introduce the time travel because we really get to see the heart of the matter, and relive it and change it, rather than talk about it, at a distance. I feel that it’s essential for a cathartic resolution, which hopefully, we’ll be able to provide

Do you get to sit in the wheelchair, at all?

LLOYD: I haven’t seen it, but we still have some left to shoot. There’s been a little bit of rubbing at the temples, which I feel he just does when he’s turning it up to like 11. If I close my eyes, it’s at level two, but if I touch my temples, it’s an 11. That’s when he’s really focused.

#harry lloyd #interview #legion

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thehivemindwrites · 5 years ago

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A Series of Disconnected Thoughts, Cast into the Void in No Particular Order

1. I’ve been finding myself thinking more and more about Kill Six Billion Demons recently. Not just because it’s absolutely gorgeous artwork and Moebius-meets-prog-metal stylings are extremely my shit (KSBD is responsible for adding Gojira to my rotation of workout music, and that alone has me in its debt), but because I can really appreciate a main character who is a walking disaster coming to some kind of enlightenment through a combination of getting her ass handed to her repeatedly, making questionable decisions, and basically just deciding to struggle forwards because I don’t know, what the fuck else is there to do? It’s hardly original (see: basically any shounen about The Power of Friendship and Not Giving Up) but damn if the presentation of it in this particular case isn’t particularly delightful. Plus it gave us the image of a giant hulking demon wearing a jacket that says KILL BOSS and that’s rad.The creator of KSBD is also co-creator, as it happens, of the newly released Lancer TTRPG, which I backed on Kickstarter and will, one day, get a rad fucking hardcover copy of (but for now I’m reading through the pdf and swearing oaths that one day I will play it). Anyway, as someone who also got where he is through a series of questionable decisions and getting his ass handed to him by life in general (oh, and an enormous amount of luck), I can relate. Plus the phrase “Reach heaven through violence,” while kind of terrible on the surface, feels good to shout at yourself while you’re off for a run.

2. Part of this whole exercise thing - a side-effect of it, if you wanna call it that - is that generally I feel better about myself like in general. I’ve mentioned that before. What it doesn’t do, of course, is magically mean that I’m now 100% good and not still dogged by a persistent sense of self-loathing that I’ve just had to accept will never really go away. Like for example: I’ve lost 35 kg since starting this whole gym thing, except you might remember the goal was 40. I still haven’t hit that goal, and frankly I’ve spent the last like three months bouncing around the same like, 3 kg zone because I’ve been traveling a lot and that basically fucks up my workout and eating routine. It’s frustrating, and it sure does let the part of me that knows deep down that I’m a fat fucker and always will be no matter what I do run wild from time to time. Which is, I’m coming to understand, just gonna always be there. This stuff doesn’t go away! Ever!

Which doesn’t mean it’s right, even a little. You tune it out and throw yourself into battle with it over and over again. You get bloodied and broken and claw back and then you get bloodied and broken some more. Insert that gif from Princess Bride of Westly saying LIFE IS PAIN, HIGHNESS here. Thing is, there’s something about the struggle that’s nice. I am not sure how motivated I’d be to do anything if part of it wasn’t motivated by the desire to prove my dumb brain wrong about, uh, me. If I wasn’t fighting the various little demons that plague me every so often, I doubt I’d be so well-adjusted. I certainly wouldn’t be mentally healthy. None of this makes sense as I read it back, of course - it sounds like I’m saying “boy it’s nice to be miserable,” which isn’t true. Being miserable sucks shit! I don’t recommend it! But it is nice to see misery coming and punch it in the face (metaphorically speaking). Sometimes I think the thing that makes me go to the gym and work so hard (this sounds like I’m bragging, but I can assure you I’m not - “work so hard” means “not collapse and fall off the elliptical after five minutes because oh god I don’t want to be here”) is out of some desire for self-annihilation through pushing myself past my physical limits. Reach heaven through violence (see, I told you it sounded cool).

3. The world has gotten really fucking bad for a lot of people, and I don’t know that it will get better for them any time soon. In fact, given the latest talk from the ol’ UN Climate Change report, it’s gonna get even worse. I would very much prefer that were not the case! It’s motivation enough to get out and vote and shit, at least for me - and as someone who is, you know, ridiculously privileged, that’s the absolute least I can do. Which is why I try to do more, mostly involving donating money to causes that seem like they’re able to cause the sort of trouble that needs to be caused. Or just use expertise to protect the people I don’t know how to protect, because I’m a lot of things, and one of them happens to be smart enough to know that I don’t know shit. So I make sure people that do know shit have the money they need. Pretty straightforward, I think.

The other thing I try to do, because giving money isn’t really something I think about much at all (I’m stupidly fucking fortunate to have a job that pays well, remember), is occasionally go out and actually be present at protests and the like - there are a lot of climate protests and they’re all a good time. Occasionally it’s worth overcoming one’s intense social anxiety to do so. Lord knows it’s significantly less of a risk for me to be out shouting at cops than most.

4. She-Ra might be one of the best shows out there. There’s something nice about a show that both does and does not present a simple world. Yes, the Horde is bad. Like, objectively bad! They do a lot of looting and subjugating and are generally just deeply not chill people.On the other hand, the people who make up the Horde are still people, and I have a lot of time for a show that can manage to humanize its Big Bad Villain whilst still making it very clear they are still, you know, not good. It’s messy, and complicated, and sad, because sometimes you have to fight people you used to be friends with! Sometimes you have to make the call that hey, we can’t be friends anymore, because I can’t support the things you’re doing anymore. I’ve made that call before - I bet everyone has, at some point (if you haven’t, I’m sure you’ll have to eventually). Fortunately for me, it’s never been that difficult of a choice, if only because the people I had to go against weren’t people I’d known for very long.

Anyway, that’s part of it - you gotta just cut people out sometimes. There’s more to it though, because the other thing the show believes is that everyone - even the real shitty people - can change. It doesn’t mean everything’s forgiven, and it doesn’t erase all the bad shit, but they can still change. It’s worth changing, even if it isn’t a cure-all.

So yeah, I like She-Ra a lot. It’s also just well-written, and funny, and it’s a real good time to see a bunch of diverse characters running around having adventures and being fuckin’ rad. Plus, they’ve shown an incredible willingness to completely change the stakes from season to season - the end of season four in particular is the equivalent of detonating all the things you thought were important. It pulls a bait and switch so ruthless that I might have applauded if I wasn’t so self-conscious about making noise that my neighbors might hear. The combination of season 3 and 4 was a masterclass on raising the stakes and then explaining that actually, you were playing for stakes even higher than you could’ve thought possible. Oh, and the people you thought you could trust were just using you, and hey, what if we got rid of the thing that you’ve more or less defined yourself by for the entire show? Good luck in season five, motherfucker! I’m a fan, is what I’m saying.

6. Work on Vanquisher 2103 continues apace. I mentioned this before, but we’re doing a once-a-month schedule while the holidays and work beat my ass into the ground, and as it turns out I really enjoy taking a full month to write a chapter. It’s a comically slow pace, but it’s working for me and hopefully the fact that the chapters have tended to be a little longer (and allowed me to expand on ideas a little more, and do a little more research here and there) makes it worth the longer wait. I’d like this thing to be good! There’s a part of my brain, again, that will always insist that nobody reads this and it’s bad and I’m fucking up, constantly - that point, at least, is probably accurate. I am writing characters who in theory have life experiences that are very much Not Mine, which involves a lot of reading things from people who would know better than I do. It’s nerve-wracking, and the only thing I am bone-deep certain of is that I’ll fuck up and hopefully y’all will forgive me for fucking up when that happens. I’ll keep reading and refining and eventually maybe it’ll be okay. Hopefully, anyway.

7. I went to Ireland and guys, Ireland is bullshit. I am offended by its gorgeous cliff-sides and open grasslands and heart-rending beauty. The immense friendliness of the people I met and the fact that you can’t sit in a pub without hearing some dude play a jaunty reel on a tin whistle or accordion or something is a personal insult. I was Arthur Dent angrily demanding to know why this bloody fish is so good the whole time.

I cultivated an immense drinking habit while there. I was also approached by a random German tourist who somehow clocked that I could speak German and we shouted about socialism for an hour auf Deutsch. I met some woman from Louisiana and we ended up having drinks a couple nights in a row to talk about traveling in general and Germany in particular, because her ex-husband is German. There were some Swedish retirees who were both very pleased by their country’s social safety net and also depressingly sour about the fact that refugees got cheap dental care - we might have had some harsh words exchanged before more drinks helped smooth over our frank discussion of differing viewpoints. I had to explain American health care to some people from the UK who were surprisingly gung-ho about the idea of privatized medicine until they talked to me (one of them talked about how the UK used to be an Empire and could be again in such a way that made me want to throw things. We did not talk for very long because I couldn’t fuckin’ handle it). These were strangers that I willingly engaged, because I was having an adventure, and I guarantee none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been going to the gym and committed to the idea of proving the voice in my head that tells me I’m an awkward mess that nobody would ever want to talk to in their life wrong (also, let’s be honest, if I hadn’t had several pints of cider at the time).

By the end of the trip if I heard one more pub singer’s version of Whisky in the Jar though, that I was gonna produce my pistol and fucking shoot myself in the head.

Go to Ireland if you can. If you live there, fuck you how dare you live somewhere that rad.

8. I didn’t have an eighth thing but I’m committed to this “each thing is numbered” bit which means that even the end of this thing has to follow the trope. This is the end of the post where I say “okay bye I’ll be back the next time I get the urge to throw a bunch of highly unpolished ideas out.”

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totalrockfiend · 4 years ago

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5 Rock Albums I Can Get Behind Released in 2020...

Have I reached that “Get off my lawn!” stage of life?

At 46, I’m certainly no spring chicken. But I’m still a looooooong ways from retirement age.

Which is significant, because that’s the era in you life when you’ve got too little to do, and too much time to do it with. And thus banal trivialities, like errant lawn treading, reach DefCon 5 status and require an aggressive rebuke.

So, I guess I can assuage my fears on that front. Except, perhaps, went it comes to music. Because I’ve DEFINIATLEY lived long enough to reach the “I don’t really like any ‘new’ music” stage of life.

In other words, I’m continuedly amazed how much new music appears every year, and how little of it I actually appreciate.

This year, however, I’m please to report that five albums made the cut. That said, don’t get your hopes up...

Four the bands/artists have been in the game for 25 years or more (in some cases, MUCH more). Actually, only one entrant qualifies as “new.” And this outfit is punk rock “supergroup” of sorts. With a record that’s likely a one-off outing.

Thus, my 2020 of “best of” rundown (yes, I realize I’m running behind on this. The procrastination struggle is REAL!) includes very little of what could be legitimately be called “new music.”

Anyway, enough with the blather, let’s dive in...

Fake Names, Fake Names

Other than the fact that famed punk-hardcore-and-early-emo guitarist Brian Baker (one-time Minor Threat bassist, Dag Nasty founder and guitarist, and current Bad Religion lead guitarist) is member, I didn’t know much about this band. But as a uuuuuuuge Baker fan, I couldn’t resist and bought the record strictly based on the strength of his punk “street cred.”

The purchase, however, proved a winning gambit as the album TOTALLY RAWKS. Moreover, it turns out Dennis Lyxzén, best known as the scorched earth lead singer of Swedish punk legends, the Refused, also contributes his vocal stylings to the record.

And the result is a glorious album filled with amped up guitar rock boasting classic DC Hardcore overtones and a tasteful dash of ‘90s alt-rock that reminds of just how musically amazing both eras were in their respective primes.

Sugaregg, Bully

Really only a “band” in name, Bully is actually a vehicle for singer-guitarist-song writer, Alicia Bognanno. Feeling called to a life in music, native Minnesotan Bognanno convinced her less than enthused parents to underwrite her enrollment in a recording engineering program. Meanwhile, Bognanno parlayed her schooling into an excuse to start a band, relocate to Nashville, and live out her rock ‘n roll dreams. Which, after a couple of albums, a good amount of buzz, and loads of pear respect, appear to be coming true.

Supported by a revolving cast of musicians, Bognanno has released three albums, including her latest, Sugaregg, since launching the project in 2011. And at the risk of sounding cliched, Bully’s grungy, ragged tones sound very much at home on the outfits current label, one time grunge hit-makers and Seattle institution, Subpop.

Case in point, Sugaregg, like it’s two predecessors, is filled with noisy guitars and squalling vocals, delivered in Bognanno’s sandpaper growl, and tortured songs that detail no small measure of soul grinding pain.

Albeit rendered with irrepressibly catch hooks, like the ear worm I Don’t Know Where to Start. Meanwhile, I’ve been loving the record since it’s midyear release. And take a certain satisfaction knowing it could reasonably classified in the “newish music” category.

Father of All... Green Day

After nearly thirty years in the game, pop punk stalwarts Green Day are still at it. That said, they haven’t rested on their laurels, as their music has taken a few twists and turns of late. Shifts that have proven hit or miss for the band, especially of late.

Their three album compilation of a few years back -- Uno, Dose + Tres -- (which, personally, I loved) -- featured a decidedly power pop sound. Many fans, however, weren’t thrilled. And 2016′s Revolution Radio, with it’s more later Clash era, straight ahead rock sound, didn’t energize their core fan-base, either.

Well, Father of All... is likely to continue aggravating the Green Day faithful. To my ears, however, its sounds are heavenly.

With a kitchen sink of influences, Billy and the boys toss in a bunch more power pop; ‘70s Bowie-esque glam rock (even going so far as to lift some “vocal inspiration” from the Gary Glitter hit, Doctor Who, on the track Oh Yeah); a Chuck Berry guitar rave up on Stab You in The Heart; and the album’s. centerpiece, I Was a Teenage Teenager, which positively oozes classic New Wave vibes.

Ultimately, what makes the album such a delight (to me anyway) is Green Day’s irrepressible charm. It’s there in every groove. And if you drop the disc in the tray and hit play with an open mind, you’ll find it impossible to wipe the grin off your satisfied mug.

Blue Hearts, Bob Mould

Having attained Punk Godfather status, as the co-founder of Husker Du, and the man that brought melody to punk rock, Bob Mould could have coasted on his well-deserved reputation.

Meanwhile, having released 22 albums (including his work with Husker Du + Sugar) Mr. Mould’s relentless work ethic could rival James Brown for the title, the Hardest Working Man in Show Business.

Continuing down the hardworking path, Mould, and his Bob Mould Band eschewed their typical 2-3 year album cycle, releasing Blue Hearts barely a year after 2019′s Sunshine Rock.

No doubt a pandemic-influenced decision, with band’s normally relentless touring schedule toss out the window. But the results of this accelerate recording timetable are stunning, as Mould turns in perhaps his best album of the New Millennium.

With a bevy or roaring rockers and few choice ballads, Mould and band sound as vital and vivacious and driven as any Bob Mould back effort since his mid ‘90s outfit, Sugar.

Stand out track include American Crisis, a jittery rocker that speaks directly to the worldwide riots that erupted in wake of George Floyd’s death at the hands of Minneapolis police. And the ballads Forecast Rain, Mould’s plea to reverse humanity’s planet destroying ways, and the album’s opener, the delightfully moody, Heart on My Sleeve.

Power Up, AC/DC

Given AC/DC is accused of “making the same album every time,” are there any surprises on the band’s 19th studio release?

You betcha! Chiefly that the band pulled together it’s (mostly) original lineup* and turned in their best album since 1990′s Razor’s Edge.

Positively dripping with that “classic” AC/DC sound, Power Up has all the hallmarks fans have come to know and love:

Drummer Phil Rudd’s uber-heavy behind the beat time-

Singer Brain Johnson’s nails on chalkboard wail

And of course, Angus Young’s comfortingly familiar guitar heroics

The ingredients are all there, and they sound as fresh, current, and powerful as when the group burst on the scene with their roaring 1975 debut, High Voltage. All of which makes Power Up a must-listen hard rock devotees!

*AC/DC has struggled through series of trying challenges over the past decade...

Co-founder, co-songwriter, and rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young left the band in 2014 overwhelmed by complications related to Alzheimer's and sadly died in 2017 at the age of 64.

Singer Brian Johnson and drummer Phil Rudd sat out the band’s last tour -- Johnson sidelined by a debilitating hearing issue, while Rudd was ensnared in a bizarre attempted murder for hire plot (which I still don’t fully grasp).

But rather than hang it up, which I advocated for at the time, the group soldiered on, and managed to put out yet another outstanding record. In other words, these old dogs might not have new tricks, but they can still impress with their classic moves.

Honorable Mention: Gigatron, Pearl Jam

Not sure if tacking on an “honorable mention” is cheating, but this is my blog, so I'll what I want, bub! Anyhoo, I haven’t actually heard all of Gigatron, the 11th studio album from Seattle Grunge stalwarts, Pearl Jam. Which is why I didn’t included it as a full fledged pick.

Dance of the Clairvoyants, the album’s lead single, however, piqued my interest when it dropped last spring. Stacked with sequenced synth lines and drum loops, the band is clearly still reaching for a new approach to augment the classicist rock sound the band has adopted over the past couple of decades.

Other stand out tunes, among the few I’ve heard, include Superblood Wolfmoon, (the album’s second sinlgle) and Take The Long Way, which both showcase Pearl Jam’s uncanny knack for merging a driving, ‘70s hard rock guitar dominant sound with a snarling punk attitude. Retrograde is another tasty ballad, in the now well-established vein of tasty Pearl Jam ballads.

Again, Gigatron only gets an honorable mentioned because I was neither motivated to buy nor listen to the whole thing. But it could be worthy of both. So maybe check it out?

What About You?

No doubt, you’re reading this list and saying to yourself: “what the fork is this guy’s problem? He totally l missed awesome record xyz!?”

And you’d be right. I did miss it. So enlighten me!

I’ll always in the mood to hear great rock + roll. Which perhaps proves I’ve yet to reach full-on “get off my lawn” status.

#totalrockfiend bully fakenames bobmould greenday eggsugar bluehearts fatherofall acdc powerup pearljam gigatron #sugaregg

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underachievers-please-try-harder · 7 years ago

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Interview // Ezra Furman

I interviewed Ezra Furman for 7digital.

When did you begin work on Transangelic Exodus?

I think we made two demos, like, December 28th and 30th 2016. But we kept pieces of the demos we did and they ended up on the final thing. So it really started at the dawn of 2017, and we worked on it into September. I think it was due at the end of August, actually. The same day I moved out of my house, and the same day I had to hand in the final draft of the book that I wrote. (Laughs) Madness.

Ah, so you’ve finished your book for the 33 1/3 series on Lou Reed’s Transformer?

Yes. It’s coming out in April.

Your last album felt like a breakthrough record. Looking from the outside in, it seemed like you were in the middle of whirlwind. What was it like being at the centre of it all?

It was really quite crazy. So [with] me and all of my bandmates, our instinct is to work harder than we need to. Just go to the limit, you know, like, “Oh, we’ll save money if we drive all night, so let’s just drive all night.” To a fault. At some point we had to be like, “We shouldn’t do that to ourselves, like, we’re endangering our endurance.” We just toured hard and slept in the cheapest place we could possibly find.

Also making [Perpetual Motion People], that record was the first one that felt like it wasn’t being released to a very tiny audience. You know, because our album Day Of The Dog came out and nobody cared, and that was true of all my albums basically. It was almost the last straw and I didn’t know if I wanted to keep doing it. Anyway, it just took a few months and then suddenly [Day Of The Dog] connected with some people in the UK so then it was like, “We should make another album, soon.” I think that had a distorting effect, almost. Like, suddenly there’s an audience listening, so what’s the next product? What’s the next thing?

That almost ended up being a theme of [Perpetual Motion People]: just keep in motion and do not rest. So we didn’t even take a second to stop to think about what we should do, we were just like, “Let’s just keep being this band.” I think we did really good work on that album but it was a feeling of franticness, responding to a situation already in progress.

How did that experience inform your creative approach on Transangelic Exodus?

We were like, “Let’s take a year off to do this in an entirely different way.” I mean, all of the records I’ve ever made have been done pretty quick – in a month or so – and this one took eight months of recording. And I’m so glad we did it that way. It’s funny because I think even a couple of years earlier I would have had no patience for that. We took maybe two months to do Perpetual Motion People and I was like, “Come on! Finish this!” But at some point I think I developed some skills as a producer. With this album, the whole thing is a different approach. It’s a different kinda record: it’s not love letters to 20th century music anymore. We’re trying to step into the arena of music that sounds like it’s being made now.

Having eight months to experiment with songs, did you ever struggle with knowing when you’d hit on a winning idea?

Well, I would say every song is not the way that I originally played it. Our goal was not do our instinct. Usually I record myself playing a song as a demo, and we’d be like, “Ok, let’s listen to the way Ezra plays this song and find a way that a band would do that.” And that leads you to be like, “Well, I’m a bass player so I’ll play bass.” You just do your default thing, go with your first instinct. And that’s one way to do it but I felt like we wanted to take our first good idea and throw it away almost completely and replace it entirely with a better idea, see what that lets us discover and then get rid of that and do it again.

If you would listen to a collection of songs as written on guitar you would not come up with this album. (Laughs) Unless you spent eight months changing it and messing with it. We also had many more songs that we left behind. And despite all this time that went into it, there’s not layers and layers of instruments: most of the songs there’s one or two things happening at once. It took us a long time to figure out what the most exciting thing was and only do that, let that really shine. Stop adding an extra guitar just because you can think of a guitar part, you know? A lot of the time was spent subtracting things.

Do you seek external opinions or do you keep it within the band?

It’s us five with almost no input from anyone else. I’m pretty protective of it while we’re doing it. I actually don’t trust people’s opinion who aren’t invested in it, or deeply part of it. And before we had anything, I went into this record knowing what the final thing should feel like. There’s an over-arching impression that the record leaves as a whole that I knew we had to nail, and I feel like we nailed it. And I’m just so happy about that.

Do you normally feel this satisfied with your work?

I felt the same way about Day Of The Dog. I just had a concept of my perfect rock’n’roll record and where I knew how it should feel from the start; let’s do a record like this, and it turned out that way. And you know, I think records turn out better when you go in with those really strong cravings, like, it’s got to turn out like this. But then again it’s just my taste. I don’t mean to knock Perpetual Motion People. I actually think that album became about being unfocused and a mess of a human being, and a bunch of conflicting identities. My albums all turn out to be more meta than I realise.

Can you tell us the story behind ‘Maraschino-Red Dress $8.99 at Goodwill’?

It has to be one of the saddest lyrics to me. It’s just brutal. That’s one of the things on the record that is from life. There are only a couple of songs that could be called straight confessional songs, and that one is confessional. It’s about the experience of dressing feminine in secret and feeling unable to leave the house – the frantic, spiralling problem of not being able to breathe either way. Either you’re caged in a gender not your own, or you are afraid to face the world because you feel like you appear as a monster to other people. I don’t know, I love the way it came out musically. It’s very tense and the sadness of it is buried in this very tense exuberance.

The overarching concept of the album is about an angel on the run, which ties in with ideas of migrants and refugees. Can you tell us how is it to live in Trump’s America, and how – if at all – it has inspired this album?

Yeah, it has. I mean, well before Brexit or the US election I had a mounting sense of paranoia. I think that America was starting to notice a decay of what passes for an acceptable person to be on the public stage, or of acceptable things to say. (Pause) I can just feel vulnerable people getting more vulnerable and you can’t tell how paranoid to be, so I was feeling more and more afraid of my country’s future.

I got a lot of Holocaust education when I was young and there was always the implicit question: what would you do if this was happening to your society? If there was an authoritarian regime rising, and certain people were threatened, would you protect them? Or if you were the one threatened, would you leave home? A couple of my grandparents survived the Holocaust by leaving home. So even at a young age I was like, “I’m ready to get out of here if I need to, if things go south.” It might be inherited trauma? And so the fact the President seems to pretty clearly be a Nazi sympathiser is just aggravating every childhood nightmare. So it caused me to make a record about paranoia and people stigmatised for their bodies.

I’m reluctant to explain too much behind the choice of an angel or whatever, because essentially it’s a dream that I had. It’s not a dream that I had at night, but the song ‘Suck The Blood From My Wound’ just showed up in my life almost fully-formed. It wasn’t a crafted thing – I found it in my brain, well before the election or Brexit.

I think it’s also me being more and more out as a queer person. Now I’m more visible I feel more vulnerable. A lot of times people are like, “Oh, isn’t it great that we can have these queer celebrities – transwomen on TV – aren’t we a progressive society?” And it’s good, but also being more visible makes you more vulnerable. Like, the people who aren’t on TV get murdered. And so it’s like, nobody has ever attacked me, but then you hear someone say something to you on the street and I can see how my safe world could get unsafe suddenly. So it’s all combined into this story.

Can you tell us more about the narrative?

I don’t think there’s any story to the record. I took out any progressing narrative. It’s a setting. It’s set in a car, being pursued, me and my angel companion. That’s basically all you need to know. I mean I wrote a lot of back story and mythology and ended up realising you really don’t need any of that. It’s emotionally alive. I didn’t have any of that story in my mind when I wrote ‘Suck The Blood From My Wound’ – it just showed up as the angel with bandaged wings, escaping from the hospital.

How helpful was the record in helping you work through those feelings of fear and paranoia?

People ask me about catharsis and working through stuff with songs and I don’t think any of it is therapeutic at all. I don’t think it helps. I don’t know, it’s like a journal entry. I don’t think writing in a journal soothes me at all but you’ve got it on paper and you can be like, “That’s what I’m feeling.” It doesn’t get rid of the feeling. Though I’m sure some people feel differently about that. But it is satisfying to feel like I expressed it.

I think the album is an exercise in empathy. To spend time living in a car, being pursued, it’s an exercise an empathy with vulnerable people. Amidst various emotional reactions, political reactions, political opinions I find myself returning again and again to the fact I just care about solidarity with the vulnerable, with the poor, with people who have no place to go. That’s what guides me politically. I don’t feel this tribalism with the left or the right. I’m going to go to the people that seem to stand the most in solidarity with the vulnerable. And that doesn’t seem to be the proudly callous son of a Wall Street tycoon who’s in power now.

#interview #ezra furman #interviews #7digital #bella union #new music #music #recommended #transangelic exodus #perpetual motion people #day of the dog

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 7 years ago

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asks (40)

Anonymous said: Holy frick that is so encouraging and I needed that so much bc I literally visited my college to measure my dorm room and drove home in tears bc I panicked myself into a frenzy about whether or not everything leading me to this point has been a mistake and what if I fail and ruin my life before it even starts (I have since calmed down a little) so your encouragement was much needed & is much appreciated

I’m glad I could help <3 <3 <3 Good luck at school! I’m sure you’ll kick its ass

areverieofchaosdreams said: It's Fanfiction Writers Appreciation Day. So thank you for all your amazing stories!!!

Oh goodness I’m all a blushin :’)

Anonymous said: *HAPPY WRITER APPRECIATION DAY* Send this to someone whose talent has blown you away, who you'd like to encourage to keep on writing always, and who you'd like to thank for working their butt off to provide fandom members with breathtaking stories to consume! THANK YOU :D

Aw thank you!

Anonymous said: Hi! I Hope you're well! Do you still take fic requests? Because I really miss Colin Wilkes and I'd love to a story of him with your writing!

Unfortunately I don’t often take requests these days, but I’ll definitely keep Colin in mind!

dirtycherrypie said: hey! applying for WE for the R&D department (may or may not be aware of producing bat gadgets)

dirtycherrypie said: SHit forgot my name - Bea, at your service!

[Bruce Wayne voice] hired

tigers-and-weeds said: Literally just fell down the rabbit hole on your tumblr for the last 12-24 hours. I am in love with with you headcannons and fics! The angst feeds my soul... So I figured I would request: anything angsty with Dick and Damian please please please

Okay again I don’t usually take fic requests BUT I like me some angst so the odds that this will eventually happen.... are extremely high. I’ll try to remember to dedicate the next one to you :) And thank you!

math--ew said: I went on a little birthday vacation to california and I've never been to the beach before. I was bending down to grab a pretty shell and this huge wave knocked me face first into the sand. Like, five people saw and laghed but I got the shell so I guess it's a win win.

Duuuude back at Lake Michigan last month the same thing happened to me. I was taking care of my little sister and her five year old friend, so I was so busy making sure they were okay that the wave plowed me halfway across the beach

babybatbrat said: when i was in ap physics i once spent an entire study period in my physics teacher's room working on one problem. as far as i could tell i was doing all of the work correctly and had all the initial values right so i was racking my brain trying to figure out why i wasn't getting the right answer. the third time i went up to my teacher and asked for help he told me to start at the beginning and walk him through my process bc he couldn't tell why i was getting it wrong either (1)

babybatbrat said: (2) so i start the problem and explain how i got through all the values - "okay so the rod is 5 inches long and half of 5 is 3 and a half -" and i stopped there bc it occurred to me that 3.5 is not half of 5. "it's what?" My teacher asks. i put my head in my hands and stood there for a minute before picking up my work and walking to the back of the classroom while he laughed, bc i had just spent 45 minutes convinced that half of 5 was 3.5 and not, in fact, 2.5, and that was the only thing wrong

Honestly??? Relatable

babybatbrat said: One time i woke up at six in the morning to hear the neighbor's dog barking and instantly realized that meant my dog had jumped the fence, so i went racing outside and sprinted down the street to catch her. when i did i picked her up and turned around to go home and then saw my neighbor standing on their front porch, realized i was in only an oversized spiderman tshirt and snowman pajama shorts, holding a twenty pound labrador and thats how i met my new neighbors

Incredible...... 10/10.....

thrakaboom said: Not a funny story,but two days ago at comic con I met Tom King and he showed me a picture of his kids while he was signing my books

Well hey that’s pretty cool

Anonymous said: I adore your Tumblr. It was a wonderful way to get into the Batfamily fanbase; prior, I thought that there was only one Batman and a single Robin, dearie me was I wrong. And those stories you write, just great. The Headcanons are just as enjoyable. As for Batman, that has come to be a sibling enjoyment. Thank you for your contributions and existence!

!!!!!! Welcome to the crew!

frnkensteingrrrlz said: hey!!! i just went through ur reasons to be happy tag and!! i'm so so happy bc of it (esp the damian hcs, they're spot on imo and he's my favourite) so i hope u have a good day!!!

Thanks! I am having a good day today! Although I’m sure it’s been a long time since you sent this :////

Anonymous said: HELLO I have just discovered and binge-read all of your fics with my homeboy Damian in them, and just wanted to pop by and say that I love you & you are my hero & you write my boy so well so thank u and I hope your life is blessed & you achieve your wildest hopes & dreams

My day is made :D

badfaith00 said: Best batman storyline you've ever read ?

Ooooooh hm I’m mighty attached to n52 Batman and Robin? Particularly the first storyline, but the second is also fantastic

Anonymous said: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHAMELESSLY REBLOGGING YOUR OWN WORK BC I HADNT SEEN IT BEFORE AND ITS HONESTLY SO PHENOMENAL ITS GOING ON MY LIST OF ALL TIME FAVORITES THANK U AND BLESS U

THANK YOU!!! THAT ONE IS MY FAVORITE AND I AM VERY PROUD OF IT

onwardmotley said: In today's Detective Comics someone finally told Bruce and co that Tim's alive. They didn't explain where he is, or how to get him back, but hey. It might've had more impact if anyone was seen actually mourning Tim and it wasn't just played as him being in cosmic time out, but at least it should end soon idk. Hopefully.

Tim Drake? It’s been years since I heard that name.....

Finally. Thank goodness.

Anonymous said: Idk if I prefer your soul crushing angst or your heartwarming fluff... actually I like to suffer so I'll stay with angst lol

Y’all seeing this? Anon gave me permission. Can’t yell at me next time because it won't be my fault (thanks babe :))

Anonymous said: for music, idk what kind of music u like so here is variety: St. Vincent - Paris is Burning, Sea Wolf - Dear Fellow Traveler (tbh everything by Sea Wolf is great), Dirt Poor Robins - Eleanor Rigby, Between Wind and Water- HAEL, Ellem - Kings and Queens and Vagabonds, The Rigs - Rise & Fall, Tally Hall - Light and Night, and Streetlight Manifesto - The Hands that Thieve.

Thank you! I’m excited to listen to these! I’ll start right now!

Anonymous said: 1) What are the good comics to read for Batfamily stuff (from any point in time) and 2) what are the best Jason Todd comics? Thanks!

Okay for Jason I would definitely start with the big ones, which are A Death In the Family and Under the Red Hood. After that you could try Red Hood: the Lost Days and Countdown to Final Crisis. I would avoid the n52 series until you have a good enough grasp of the character to recognize bad writing when you see it.

For the generalized batfam.... that’s pretty broad. My personal favorites are Red Robin, Batgirl (2009), and both B&R series. If you have more specific questions, you should IM me! I promise I’m better about answering those than asks

yellowwallsbluesky said: Have you heard Swooner by The Zolas? I've really been jamming to it lately

Listening to it right now! Sounds like a bop so far :)

Anonymous said: Hidden citizens paint it black 💜

Much obliged!

Anonymous said: Harry styles "sign of the times".

[adds to list] thank you!

neo669 said: I MISS CASA OLE!! Sorry just read that you lived in Bryan/College Station and I used to live there as well. It's kinda hard to find people that even know that it exists. But I'm sure you can kick law schools butt. You got this!

Yooooooo I miss cstat too :((((

palliddark said: Adalgiza, and I'll be a translator (English to Brazilian Portuguese)

[Bruce Wayne voice] also hired

maeofthedead said: I love your headcannons and now I sort of want to cry thank

Excellent that is the exact target response

Anonymous said: Love your rant in the tags about the pizza making I'm laughing so hard

Listen..... I have strong feelings

Anonymous said: Did you hear they're making an omnibus of Tomasi's entire run on Batman & Robin?? I just heard and now I kinda want to get this massive book in honor of my favorite batkid and the series that made me love him so much

Man I already have all the individual volumes but if I didn’t......

sonicboom00724601 said: Hi. :) Nice headcanon. :)

I’m not sure which one you’re talking about, but thank you! You're real sweet

Anonymous said: can you maybe write an interaction between Wonder Woman and Captain America? I absolutely adore your style and would love to see your take on it.

Hmmmm I don’t really have a good enough grasp of Captain America’s characterization to try that one :////

Anonymous said: i tried to kill on mosquito that was on my ceiling by slamming it with a book but mosquito was on the move so i bounced swiftly and jammed both my wrist and thumb and now my existence is Pain. also my thumbs swelling and looks purple, so that's nice

Oh shit anon you good???

daziy said: Do we know who Barbara's mother usually is?

Yeah! In her original version, Babs had a birth mom and an adopted mom. She was originally Jim’s niece, so her birth mom’s name was Thelma Gordon. After the adoption, her parents were Jim and Barbara Gordon, with her adopted mother being her namesake. So two Barbara Gordons.

I think for awhile the canon was that her mother died in a car crash, but the current version has her still alive. She left Jim when Babs was young, taking her son (Babs’s brother) with her. James Gordon (the son) turned out to be a serial killer.

Barbara Gordon Sr. and James Gordon Jr. both appeared in the n52 Batgirl series during the Death of the Family arc. There’s also a very good story about James from the Dickbats period. That one’s called The Black Mirror, if I’m not mistaken?

Anonymous said: Hi! What do you think of the upcoming metal event? Dick and Damian seem to have a big role in it ( I hope Jason is involved too but there's still no sign of it)

Hmmmm I don’t know that I have an opinion just yet, but as always, I hope to be pleasantly surprised

Anonymous said: bless you are your wonderful tagging system. know that i may have avoided death because of how easy it was to f ind the thing I wanted in your tags. bless

Oh goodness anon I hope you’re not serious about almost dying.... but thanks?

Anonymous said: hi amy! would u say that damians narrative is written as a child abuse one? like there are definitely many allusions to it but its also not as explicit as say, cassandra or rose. like how much of it would u chalk up to comic world dynamics and how much to actual abuse? also would u consider jason to also be a case of this?

Oh I have very strong opinions about the role of abuse in Damian’s narrative. It’s absolutely there, and the effects are staggeringly large. There is no doubt in my mind that the league was an abusive environment, and I can’t justify some of the things Bruce did either.

I think I would say the same thing for Jason, if not quite as strongly. I definitely think that some of the things that happened to Jason as a child shaped his story later on, but less of those were abuse than outside circumstances. The n52 takes a different track on that one, I think, but I don’t put much stock in that characterization.

Anonymous said: has jason forgiven bruce for not killing joker? if so, what made him?

Unlikely. They get along better these days, but I would argue that comes from poor characterization of Bruce, not an actual resolution process.

mellenabrave said: My mom accidentlly threw my Damian doll away (╥_╥)

Tossed in the garbage by yet another parent--

Anonymous said: Whoa where'd you get that bat and oracle shirt you're wearing in your necklace pic? It's so cool! (The necklace is also gorgeous!)

Shoot I think it was from Redbubble? But I can’t find it now

Anonymous said: Omg that necklace was so cool!!! Kudos to the maker of it!! Also I really like your top!!

Thank you <3

#......dont look at me #listen i JUST got wifi again #asks

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experiencepoints · 8 years ago

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2016 Favorites

Games

Final Fantasy XV

My favorite games of the year tend to be ones that stay in my head long after I’ve completed them. Final Fantasy XV is a game that couldn’t possibly live up to the 10 year hype, and in the end it didn’t. What it ended up being was something completely unique, gorgeous, at times irritating, but ultimately a game that resonated with me that none other did as much in 2016. 10/10.

The world is gorgeous, the characters are beautifully realized, the music is god-tier, and the battle system is dynamic and fun, flawed only with a funky camera every now and then. It’s everything Final Fantasy, translated in to modern day open world AAA game design, and the story, while told in a very back handed kind of way towards the end of the game, still managed to hit home.

There are also so many tiny details that add so much to the overall production. From the interactions between the characters in battle, to the amazing feature that every game should now have in which it automatically captures moments from the game on a day to day basis that enable you to save and share; it’s teeming with detail and heart that many games just don’t even bother with. It’s a game that delivers across the spectrum with incredible over the top moments, and lovingly crafted small ones. It’s a game with glaring flaws, blatant overambition, and beautiful moments, and has a secret sauce gameplay that has a great hook. For all its short comings, I can’t help but look past all of them and find an experience and world that I love spending time in. It’s my favorite game I’ve played all year.

I’m also the guy who enjoyed Kingsglaive (moreso after watching after I completed FFXV’s story); so take that for what you will.

Witcher 3

Yes, Witcher 3 released in 2015, but I didn’t get around to playing it proper until the early part of the year. I started it when it first released; maybe got through the Bloody Barron quest, and then for some reason moved on to something else. I know, terrible.

But after getting reacclimated to the game (plus coming back post-update in which the inventory systems were much improved), I found myself supremely hooked on the game, enjoying damn near every side quest along the way. Witcher 3 definitely edges out FF15 from a diversity in story telling standpoint in which while FF15 does an excellent job of delving in to the central characters of the game; Witcher 3 brought me in to characters I had no idea I gave a shit about through excellent quests and story telling. Even as someone who didn’t have the same attachment to many of the main characters since I did not play the first two, I loved etching out Geralt and Yennifer’s relationship, I super dug Ciri’s motivations and everything she brought to the table, and I found myself invested in the world. Don’t get me started on the excellent DLC. Both DLC releases were amazing, with the final one being a lovely good-bye to the game that still left it plenty open for CD Projekt Red to come back to it some day.

Dishonored 2

Back in 2015, I’m pretty sure the original Dishonored was on my list, and I was happy to see Dishonored 2 have a spot in this year’s list. While it didn’t bring a ton new to the table from a gameplay perspective, the original had already set a fantastic foundation to return to. I still need to play Hitman, but the Dishonored series has been my game where I’ve felt the most agency as a player, albeit with a strong reliance on saving and loading often. I played as Emily in my play through and loved her new abilities as I went for a largely stealth leaning playthrough. Taking a deliberately stealth approach made for many standout moments in Dishonored 2 that truly transported me in to the grimy yet beautifully realized worlds (via some of the most amazingly designed levels..ever) these characters inhabit. I couldn’t ask for a better sequel to the original, and will continue to look forward to what Arkane Studios will be doing.

Abzu

Abzu! A beautiful game about going on an undersea journey with Austin Wintory providing a wonderfully realized score. It’s short, it’s lovely, and transcendent. Coming from some of the artists and creative minds that worked on Journey, it comes as little surprise on how much Abzu cribs from Journey. And while it doesn’t quite hit the secret sauce that made Journey a classic, it still provides a wonderful, yet succinct escape.

No Man’s Sky

What a cool ass game. I’m aware of the things that the devs said that ended up not being in the game. I’ve seen the hilarious vine of a wonky ass dinosaur being compared to the majestic E3 201X trailer that featured more majestic creatures. I know, there’s some jank in that game. But I came in to No Man’s Sky with no preconceptions, minimal hype, and just a love for sci fi and space. I was not disappointed.

I recognized the basic similarities between all of the planets fairly early on my 30ish hours I played, but that didn’t take anything away from the fundamental thrill of zooming to a new galaxy every time. I mined away for materials on planets that didn’t really do anything for me except power my next blast off from the planet, only to turn around and let the amazing soundtrack by 65daysofstatic envelop me as I turned my spaceship to take in the always spectacular and unique views. Hell I even enjoyed the space combat for what it was.

I don’t look at it for what it may have been, but for what it ended up being. I know that it’s not the easiest thing to reconcile if you were hyped to high heaven, and I can understand being frustrated at the devs for some of the things that didn’t end up coming to pass. But I found myself loving the resulting experience.

I never completed the main ‘quest’. I didn’t really feel the need, and I don’t think the devs wanted me to feel that way either. I think they were happy to provide a unique escape from not only the real world, but the usual stuff that comes out in virtual worlds as well; and I was happy to take them up on that.

Inside

Inside was wild. Anytime a game delivers a ‘hollllly shit’ moment, it usually finds its way to my favorites. The first 90% of Inside would probably be just enough to be on this list. An immersive and intense atmosphere is laid out for you to take a young lad through a heavily guarded scientific military installation with each area providing a brain scratcher environmental puzzle that are always just the right level of difficulty to stump for a few, then make you feel smart when you figure out how to move forward. While not quite on a Portal 2 level, it’s right there in the same ballpark. If you haven’t finished Inside, I won’t spoil it here, but again, the last tenth of the experience delivers a mix of excitement, horror, and giddy-ness that left me stupefied. Classic status attained.

Uncharted 4 – Naughty Dog raising the bar yet again. While it doesn’t reach the heights of TLOU, it’s an amazing showpiece that proves Naughty Dog continues to be the master of blending a compelling narrative, unparalleled cinematic expression in gameplay, and oh yeah, it’s super fun to play.

Overwatch – Multiplayer-centric shooter with amazing playability, accessibility, and super fun characters. I didn’t get in to it as much as some; but I appreciated the universe that Blizzard has built here. Even though I don’t play it as much as I did those first months, I still love seeing the community be so passionate about it. Hoping they add in a single player story campaign at some point.

Rocket League – yes it was on my favorites list last year but ehhh…Rocket League is love. Rocket League is life. The game that keeps on giving.

I Am Setsuna – I AM UP FOR MORE GAMES LIKE THIS. What a lovely game. Unapologetically cribbing from the same elements that made the 16 bit JRPGs from the SNES / Genesis / PS1 era so damn good still work today.

The Last Guardian – a beautifully told story with gameplay experiences you won’t find anywhere else. It doesn’t live up to Shadow of the Colossus (what could), but as a continuation of Team Ico’s legacy, it’s a beautiful piece of the puzzle.

Downwell – Old-school challenging as shit, but expertly crafted.

Final Fantasy XIV - Continuing to play FF14 on an on again off again basis and eternally trying to catch up to the story. While I don’t think I’ll ever be in fully caught up, I continue to love this game anytime I spend time with it.

Titanfall 2 – Super snappy action packed shooter with plenty of variety in story telling and multiplayer that made it my shooter of choice this year.

Rise of the Tomb Raider – a great sequel; and I actually really enjoyed the narrative too. In many aspects, I prefer the aesthetic to that of Uncharted 4, but both games deliver an amazing adventure. Really hoping Crystal Dynamics not only continues to bring more Tomb Raider adventures, but also gets back to exploring some of their more dormant series. I’m looking at you Soul Reaver.

Music

Thrice – To Be Everywhere is to Be Nowhere

Amazing to see my favorite band reunite this year and release what I consider to be their best album ever. The album’s themes are awesomely realized, and each song has a resonance to it that seems to leverage a mastery of their creative aural tool set. I hope these guys keep making music for many years to come.

tricot – the

Japanese math rock never sounded so good. While this album came out back in 2013, my discovery of it this year colored many of my days. A favorite to put on while memorizing Kanji on lunch breaks.

Final Symphony – Music from Final Fantasy VI, VII, X.

A more perfect symphonic realization of the music from some of the most classic and highly regarded Final Fantasies, you’ll likely never find (and I’ve listened to a lot of them). If you have an appreciation for the music in these titles, you owe it to yourself to make some time to listen to this album in full and be moved. Can’t wait for Final Symphony 2.

Movies and TV

Arrival

A wonderfully shot tale exploring how humans react to aliens visiting Earth when not prompted by much else beyond their arrival. My favorite movie of the year.

Moana

Continuing to love Disney’s resurgence in their animation, and Moana turned out to be a beautiful film that hit all the right notes. No One Knows still playing on my Spotify every other day.

Star Wars - Rogue One

Finally, the creative license has been obtained to explore other elements of the Star Wars universe on film. Rogue One’s story was a great place to start by telling the story of the theft of the original Death Star’s plans. While I’m excited for the mainline movies, Star Wars fans know there is so much to dig in to outside of the Skywalker story, and I honestly find myself more excited for the side story potential, then the primary episode ones.

Westworld

I loved Westworld’s inaugural season so much, I’m frankly concerned about them doing a second if only for thinking that there is no way they can top S1. Robots!

Doctor Strange

Really glad that Marvel is starting to expand their universe to include some of the atypical characters that don’t get a lot of cinematic love. While I didn’t know much about Doctor Strange before the movie aside from seeing him pop up in certain comic book stories, the nature of his powers I’m sure will make for some awesome crossover stuff in the movies to come. And of course, the movie, as it was, was super fun.

Game of Thrones – Season 6

At this point, my affinity for the books has completely waned in favor of the show’s ability to get the story moving. Hoping that George Martin releases the final two books alongside each of the final two seasons.

10 Cloverfield Lane

A more unnerving movie I don’t think I saw this year. John Goodman brought his A-game to this story set in the weirdo Cloverfield universe. I enjoyed the original maybe more than the average person, but with the end of 10 Cloverfield Lane, it looks like they’re taking a potentially very unique approach to this world.

Dragon Ball Z – Resurrection F

Fuck yeah, why not! DBZ was a massive part of my childhood, and it had been a long time since I was able to just enjoy some crazy DBZ action. Resurrection wasn’t the end all be all anime movie, but it was a perfect injection of everything that I loved about the series and a great addition to the movies.

Kingsglaive and Final Fantasy XV: Brotherhood

Ask yourself, when is the last time a video game had a complete feature length film and well crafted anime mini-series release, in anticipation of the game’s release? I can find plenty of issues with Kingsglaive as a film, and Brotherhood provides a detailed, yet surface level introduction to Final Fantasy 15’s heroes, but as things that didn’t have to exist, but do; I found them massively entertaining and awesome as predecessors that built up and invested me in to the world of FF15.

Kabeneri of the Iron Fortress

Seemingly available only streaming on Amazon Video, this relatively short anime season (13 episodes or so?) seemed to crib a lot from Attack on Titan at first glance. Not surprising I guess since the director is the same guy who directed AoT, along with other awesome stuff like Death Note. What I loved about Kabeneri was its ability to not dilly dally too long on world building and exposition. AoT does this, which to its credit, engenders a dramatic, more tension filled effect. In favor of reducing tension, Kabeneri briefs you on the set up, and then sprints all the way to a satisfying finish of the first season, while keeping the story and character development moving at a good clip. Relatively small story arcs from episode to episode always pay off in fantastic action pieces, and the music is beautiful throughout.

La La Land

I might just love the music and dance numbers in the first half of La La Land more so than the movie as a whole. Westside Story being one of my favorite movies of all time, this is as close as I’ve seen a modern day film capture that same energy. I’m just sad that it’s only largely there in the first half. Thematically that fits with the movie’s narrative, and what’s there in the second half is interesting, but it’s just not as fun. Still, really thankful that a movie like this could get made, and be this good.

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